May 28, 2017
The Daily Me - Wade W. Woodward
Thank you, Wade W. Woodward, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about a President who was facing impeachment and obstruction of justice charges because of the corruption of his government, and we thought, Ho hum. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt for a $20,000 donation to a PAC. But, wait! It wasn't an article about American President Donald Trump - it was actually about Brazilian President Michel Temer!
Well, that's different!
Temer insisted that he wanted a full investigation because it would clear him of any wrong-doing. This made a nice change from mindless vituperation and an ever-evolving rationale for bad behaviour - President Trump, are you paying attention?
"Russia investigation worst witch hunt since Salem hosted an involuntary swimming party!" President Trump tweeted at 2:37 this morning.
Clearly, he's not paying attention.
The Daily Me Staff
They Also Offered To Designate Bushes For His Press Secretary To Hide Behind (A Magnanimous Gesture In A Desert Country)
Donald Trump has gone on his first international trip as President. His first stop is Saudi Arabia, where they have gone out of their way to make him feel at home, serving him steak and ketchup for dinner and announcing that they will appoint a special prosecutor to look into his administration's ties to Russia.
In The Alternate Version Of His Life, He Was The Hero
Science fiction writer Roger Ailes has died at the age of 77. Ailes, founder of the Fox News Network, pioneered the genre of alternate reality fiction. His greatest hits included stories about blacks rioting in the streets, associates of Bill and Hillary Clinton being killed on their order to cover up their nefarious activity and, on a lighter note, tax cuts for the wealthy having nothing to do with the disappearance of the middle class. The fact that many people mistook his fiction for reality is a testament to the power of Ailes' imagination.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
Real Banksys Of The Boulevard, They Are
The Toronto sign, much beloved of tourists (to the consternation of arts organizations across the city), is getting a much-needed makeover. The climbable icon will now feature raccoons, hearts, maple leaves and the word "love" in 60 languages.
"It's about time we got recognition!" enthused a raccoon who wanted to be known simply as Rockefeller Jumbalaya. "I mean, after all that we have contributed to the burg, we earned it!"
You mean, contributions like garbage all over city streets?
"Hey, pal, we didn't create the garbage," Rockefeller Jumbalaya enthusiastically groused. "We just...redistributed it in new and creative ways. We're artists that way."
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
The News These Days Should Come With Air Sickness Bags
FBI Director James Comey testified to Congress that he felt "mildly nauseous" at the thought that his reference to Hillary Clinton's emails could have turned the election. That's what he said: mildly nauseous. I think he got off lightly. It took everybody else hours to stop throwing up!
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
Because The World Needs More Stories About White Investment Bankers Finding Themselves
White Bread and Guilt was the first work to win the Canadian Cultural Appropriation Award. The novel, by native author Tanya Tagooqlaqlak, tells the story of a white man in Toronto who loses his job as an investment banker and must confront his assumptions about what it means to live a meaningful life.
"This is, umm, not really what I had in mind when I supported the award," said former National Post cadfly Ken Whyte.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
Le Pen Is Mightier Than Le Word
The end of the European Union has left some people terribly confused.
"What do you mean, I no longer have an office and staff?" asked Marine Le Pen, a far right French politician who leads the racist National Front. "How am I supposed to consolidate my power in France by railing against the European Union if the European Union no longer exists? C'est une absurdite!"
"What do you mean, I'm no longer getting a salary?" asked former UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who was unconscionably responsible for the Brexit vote. "Does this mean I'll have to get a real job, now? That's outrageous!"
SOURCE: The Smarmian
You Probably Weren't Watching Housing Prices Rise Faster Than Your Income Even Though You Were Holding Down Three Jobs, Either
Economics Is A River You Never Piss In The Same Way Twice
"When I was trying to buy my first home, I wasn't buying smashed avocado for 19 bucks and four coffees at four dollars each."
- Australian real estate developer Tim Gurner
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Children Have Better Twitter Manners
Representatives of NATO are denying reports that they are preparing for their first meeting with American President Donald Trump as if they were "preparing to deal with a child."
"The North Atlantic Treaty Organization Facts and Issues Colouring Book is something every world leader gets before their first meeting with us," NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg assured reporters. "It really isn't as though we are coddling President Trump - after all, he is expected to bring his own pencil crayons to the meeting!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
You Could Say Texans Believe In Child Welfare Religiously
The Texas House of Representatives has approved a bill that would allow foster care and adoption agencies that receive state funding to refuse to place children with families they disapprove of on religious grounds.
"This is great news," said Reginald 666, owner of the Little Devils Adoption Agency. "You know, I didn't want to give our little sacrifices - that's our...pet name for the children in our care - little sacrifices - I didn't want to give them to just anybody!" Lowering his voice, he added, "You know who I'm talking about. Those people. Christians. I'm sorry, but they just don't have the values that we look for in adopting couples!"
"This, umm, ack!" responded the bill's sponsor, Representative James Frank. We assumed he was trying to say that he disapproved, but random hacking sounds can be ambiguous.
SOURCE: CBBS News