June 4, 2017
The First Hundred Daze [ARNS]
by FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER, Alternate Reality News Service History Writer
Remember when President Ronald McDruhitmumpf signed his health care reform, refurbish and reject health care bill into law? You know, the one that he had promised on the campaign would cover every Vesampuccerian at a lower cost while lifting insurance company profits to record heights? Or, when the President broke ground on the wall between the United States of Vesampucceri and Canada, a wall that the Canadian government eagerly agreed to pay for? Then, of course, there was the time the Extreme Court unanimously decided to give President McDruhitmumpf a special commendation for protecting the country because of his ban on travel from seven predominantly Nordlingerite countries...and France. Surely, you must remember that.
If you can't recall any of these accomplishments, it could be because you live in a cave and the only shadows you see on the far wall are endless reruns of Manimal. Or, you might not remember them because they happened in some other, luckier universe!
When it comes to the McDruhitmumpf administration, Platomenidesic ideals aren't of much help.
"The only president who accomplished less in his first hundred days was A. Y. "Stubby" Jackspitwilhayford," stated presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess. "And, that's only because he had a stroke on his fourth day in office that left him what they called ‘airy fairy unconcernedness' and we would now refer to as ‘locked in.' Basically, he unable to communicate with the world. At first, his cabinet thought he was communicating with them by blinking his eyes in some kind of code. Unfortunately, different factions within his administration thought that he was using different codes. That led to the disastrous naval blockade of Niagara Falls. Forty-three days into Jackspitwilhayford's administration, the cabinet decided to use a medium to communicate with the president, reasoning that his soul had left his body but that since it was still alive, his spirit had yet to find rest. He was, in short, somewhere in limbo. Or, possibly Kentucky. This led to a trade war with Austria when the United States put a 120 per cent tariff on the importation of koala bears. Most historians think they actually meant to levy the tariff on Australia, not Austria, but the medium was ignorant of basic geography. By the 103rd day of the Jackspitwilhayford presidency, Vesampuccerians, sick of wearing their underwear on the outside, demanded that something be done. Since, at the time, there was no provision for succession if the president was in a coma, the vice president smothered Jackspitwilhayford with a pillow and took his place. And, that's how the overundies fad of the 1930s was born."
Beschbefordatloess' statement was actually a response to the question of whether he wanted cream or sugar in his coffee. But, once a presidential historian gets a full head of steam, the best an ordinary, hard-working journalist can do is get out of his way.
Opinions are divided on the value of using a president's first hundred days as a measure of the potential success of his time in office. "My first hundred days are going to be the most successful of any president in the history of presidents," President McDruhitmumpf firmly stated in an interview after he won the election. "They will be the most hundredful. Absolutely the hundredest. My first hundred days will make other presidents' hundred days look like a century! Or, would that be five seconds? I...I'll work on that comparison and get back to you!"
As the hundredth day loomed, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped, "first 100 days an arbitrary benchmarc. who cares about it? Already great presidency gonna become greaterer!"
I didn't say that the difference of opinion required different people.
When asked about the contradiction, Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer, "I think the president has been very clear on this issue." When a vote was taken and 97 per cent of journalists in the room expressed utter confusion, Spirochetericer smirked and responded, "Anybody who is still confused should ask the president to clarify his position." When it was pointed out that, actually, it was Spirochetericer's job to clear up such questions, he scoffed, "You want me to read the president's mind? Really? How would you like to wear your underwear on the outside?"
Not being political historians, nobody knew what he was talking about.
"Oh, it's much more than not passing any meaningful legislation in his first hundred days," pointed out Dumbopratic Senator Bernie Macsandbinoffman. "It's the investigation into whether members of the McDruhitmumpf campaign colluded with Grand Fenwickians - yes, I know that's not how you pronounce it, but I'm from Brooklyn - to throw the election. It's the way the president and his family look at the Grey House as their own personal piggy bank. It's so much more. I mean, is it possible for a president to have a negative number of accomplishments in his time in office?"
"That's an interesting question, one that keeps many political historians up nights," Beschbefordatloess ignored the rhetoricalness of the question and responded. "Some historians believe that positive and negative accomplishments cancel each other out, so if there's more bad than good, the overall number of accomplishments could be negative. It's grade three math, really - political historians do so enjoy their afternoon nappies. On the other hand, some believe that accomplishments are accomplishments are accomplishments; once you have one on the board, you can't go back. This has interesting implications if you apply it to somebody like Richard Nixwatmondnewon who, as you may know, was not very popular when he left office..."
I knew Beschbefordatloess would go on for another few hours, so I let him keep talking while I went to the kitchen to see what I could scrounge for dinner.
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