June 4, 2017
The Daily Me - Alonzo Indefatigable
Thank you, Alonzo Indefatigable, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we realized something...strange had happened to us. Whenever we heard somebody in film or TV say, "Come with me," we always added in our heads, "...if you want to live." And, no matter who said the original quote, we always heard our addition in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. Although we've been doing it for years, it only just occurred to us that our minds were auto-filling the sentence!
Digital technology is responsible for some scary shit!
The Daily Me Staff
The Bar Is So Low, Snakes Have To Limbo OVER It
United States President Donald Trump did not drool or fall over for the first four days of his first foreign tour. The White House considers this a monumental success.
"He exceeded all expectations," crowed Press Secretary Sean Spicer. "He was so...so - yes, I will use the word - Presidential! Suck on that, Trump critics!"
This perhaps overstates the quality of the president's performance. When he got to Europe in the second half of his trip, he did drool a little on German President Angela Merkel during a G7 summit. And, in the middle of a speech to NATO, he did fall over and have to be propped up with a shower curtain.
"No, no, no - that's picnicking," Spicer insisted. "Look at - if you look at the big picture, it was a success. I don't want - I don't think I'm giving away the President's tweet early tomorrow morning when I say that it was the best foreign trip any president in the history of representative democracy has ever taken ever!"
Did Spicer...did the Press Secretary mean nitpicking?
"That's what I said. Backpacking."
That's not it eith - oh, never mind!
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
If You Were, You Wouldn't Know It
Three men were shot in the leg in North York late Saturday night. And, I thought, Am I living in an episode of Person of Interest?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
You Think He's Willing To Be The Subject Of His Own Thought Experiment?
I've often wondered if Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson bathes in deplorable before he speaks in public. Perhaps he has a small voice in his head that goes, "No, no, no. That's too reasonable. If you really want to piss off liberals, you need to go bigger, go more tone deaf and offensive." Maybe he's just not that smart - wearing glasses doesn't make you Einstein, you know.
Irene Adler works three jobs to put food on the table for her six children, at least four of whom she is considering selling for medical experiments to help make ends meet. She was raised on The Power of Positive Thinking; she says affirmations hourly (and twice an hour on Sundays). Is she poor because she doesn't have the right attitude? Never mind that there are few full-time, good paying jobs available, or that the education needed to get them is too expensive for her - attitude determines altitude uber alles.
I have no doubt that two thirds of Adler's children will enjoy participating in medical experiments. It's all a matter of how you approach the experience emotionally...
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
Laws Against Taking Things That Don't Belong To You - Like Gold Ingots In A Bank Vault - Put A Crimp In Some Professionals' Retirement Plans, Too
Usurers in Alberta are starting to dwindle thanks to laws that limit the terms under which they ply their craft.
"Yeah, well, it ain't right, guv. It ain't right," sniffed lender Ahminotep Vercotti. "I was making a 600% vig weekly before all this government meddling - now, I can barely make 200%. I mean, at that rate, it doesn't pay for me to send loan collection assistants out to break anybody's fingers, do it?
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
Other Will Be Played By Robert Redford In The Movie
Other has surprised everybody and won the Conservative leadership race on the 13th ballot. Other barely edged out the front-runner, Maxime Bernier, with 50.013792% of the vote.
"I won?" Other asked in disbelief. "I mean, yeah, sure, of course I won. I ranm a great campaign, and knew I would win the whole time. The whole time. I...I would like to thank all of the people who had enough faith in me to choose me...on the 13th ballot. But, now is not a time for looking, uhh, backwards. Now is a time to...unite the party? Yeah, sure. Once I get over the shock, I'll work hard to unite the, uhh, unite the party. That's what I'll do. Yep. That."
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
Call Me Sentimental, But I'm Rooting For KellyAnne Conway
Well, last month's office pool was something of a bust. None of our employees thought that Donald Trump would last as long as he has in office.
"Four months? That's just nuts!" said Nathan ben Nathanson, the winner with thirteen days, thirteen hours and thirty-three minutes. "I mean, it's not like I'm going to give up the money or anything. But, nobody would have expected this - it's just crazy!"
So, we're going to start a new office pool: Who will be the first member of Trump's team to be indicted for a criminal offence? So far, here are the odds:
Michael Flynn: even
Paul Manafort: 2 to 1
Carter Page: 3 to 2
Steve Bannon: 10 to 1
Jared Kushner: 25 to 1
Of course, we went to press just as news of Kushner's meeting with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kisliyak to discuss a secret back channel communication between the Trump administration and the Kremlin was breaking. So, if nobody has won the pool by next month, those numbers could seriously change!
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
Not Being Details Oriented, The President Had An Aide Precis The Comic For Him Before He Gifted It
On his international tour last week, President Trump met with the Pope. The two world leaders traded books: the Pope gave the President Laudate si, his 2015 encyclical on the need to protect the environment; the President gave the Pope a Superman comic. As you might expect, the Pope was disappointed with the exchange.
He has long been a Batman fan.
SOURCE: USA Whenever