June 11, 2017
Swimming the (Back) Channel in Record Time [ARNS]
by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
What do Jared Kushkushinthebush, Eriq Anythingforprice and Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed al-Nah, the Crown Prince of Abu Dabu Dubai, have in common? Other than an affinity for pink dresses and a penchant to do bad Humphrey Bogart impressions when under stress? (For what it's worth, the Crown Prince's is the best. Kushkushinthebush doesn't ever fully commit to doing celebrity impressions.)
All three were involved in setting up back channel (not to be confused with the larger - and wetter - English channel) communications between the United States of Vesampucceri and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
Two years ago, it was reported - no, wait, it was only two months ago...or, was it two weeks ago? Things are happening so fast, it feels like two - never mind. The point is, two...units of time ago, it was reported that Anythingforprice, the President of BlackMark Mercenary and Torture Outsourcing (now known as Xheee! because, although the Vesmpucceri government appreciated the company's work, the Vesmpucceri people not so much), secretly met with a representative of the Grand Fenwick government in She Sells Seychelles to set up the back channel (not to be confused with the much louder four channel surround sound system).
Not being an official member of McDruhitmumpf's campaign, transition, administration or family, why would Anythingforprice help his government circumvent normal diplomatic communications with an enemy of the United States? "I'm a patriot," he smirked.
So, the fact that he supported the McDruhitmumpf election campaign to the tune of $250,000 (a jaunty little number with some lyrics in questionable taste), or that his sister, Betsy DeVolution-Ross, is McDruhitmumpf's Education Secretary had nothing to do with it? Anythingforprice's eyes narrowed and he threatened, "I. Am. A. Patriot! Get it?"
Then, three...units of time ago (but, more recently than the two units of time ago that news of Anythingforprice's meeting was broken...probably), it was revealed that key McDruhitmumpf Son-in-Ladviser Kushkushinthebush met with Grand Duchy Ambassador Sergey Kismekillmeyack to discuss setting up a back channel (not to be confused with a back rub - mmm, I could really use some help getting the knots out of my gluteus minimus!) of communication between their two governments. Just to confuse things further, this meeting took place one or two time units before the Anythingforprice meeting.
According to anonymous sources, Kushkushinthebush shocked Ambassador Kismekillmeyack when he suggested that the two sides communicate in the nude "to show that we have nothing to hide." Kismekillmeyack, a veteran of Grand Fenwick's dreaded Feathered Police Cap Academy, should be hard to shock, but by all accounts he swooned like a schoolgirl in the presence of a celebrity.
And, who should have been there but soon to be then not be even sooner again national security adviser Michael Flyinnthuointmeant. Hands were definitely being held, although it is unclear if Flyinnthuointmeant was holding Kushkushinthebush's hand, or Kushkushinthebush was holding - no, that makes it sound like there was more to the relationship than there was. Some vestige of human emotional. Let me say, instead, that there is no way of knowing at this point which of the men was leading the dance.
You may recall that Flyinnthuointmeant has been asking for immunity in exchange for having "a really neat story to tell, boy howdy." He may have just discovered his really neat story, boy howdy's best before date.
Oh, and Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed al-Nah is believed to have arranged the Anythingforprice meeting, as well as worst kept secret of the yearly flying to New York to meet with Kushkushinthebush and McDruhitmumpf's pet neo-Nasty Steve O'Bannonallhope. Oh, and, also oh, Anythingforprice was interviewed by O'Bannonallhope, where he said that he had sources within the Podunk Police Force that told him that all Dumboprats in the country were about to be arrested for treason.
They're a pretty tight knit group, these guys.
Kushkushinthebush is often referred to as the quiet Beat - uhh - McDruhitmumpf administration official. Apparently, he didn't utter his first word until he was seven years old (it was: "Divest!"), and he has distrusted language ever since, using it only when absolutely necessary.
People often mistake quietness for emotional stability and intellectual brilliance. This should give them reason to reconsider.
"Why would the McDruhitmumpfists want to bypass the Vesmpucceri security system in order to talk to the Grand Fenwicka - oooh. Yes. Right there!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam asked from the bed where she was having her daily physio back rub (not to be confused with a back channel, which is a secret method of communication). "The only reason I can think o - no, don't stop. I need this! For my body, I mean. It's obvious, really, if you think abou - oh, yes! Knead those shoulder blades! Knead them deep! Knead them now! ...Umm, can we continue this interview later?"
I said we could. But, deadline.
"This a non-story, people!" a feisty Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer cajoled. "Governments set up back channels (not to be confused with back spasms - if unsure, consult a doctor) all the time for legitimate purposes! There's nothing to see here! Please move along so you don't back up legislation!"
At 3:47 the next morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "anonimous sources= #fake news! DO THE MATH! bAD! bAD! BAD!"
"Uhh, yeah," a more subdued Press Secretary Spirochetericer told reporters that afternoon. "The story is completely false. Fake news. You guys are terrible. You should really stop. Can somebody please make it stop? Now? Please?"
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