June 11, 2017
The Mouse That Hacked [ARNS]
by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
The Democratic process is one of the most sacred aspects of Vesampuccerian politics, one that is a model for countries around the world. Except, of course, for the gerrymandering of district boundaries to create safe seats. Oh, and let us not forget the passage of state laws that are ostensibly about stopping non-existent voter fraud but actually keep real people from casting non-imaginary votes. Oh, and no list of the failings of Vesampuccerian democracy would be complete with no mention of the Citizens United Will Ever be Defeated Extreme Court decision that allowed wealthy people to give unlimited amounts of money to Political Ugliness Committees (PUCs).
Okay, umm, Vesampuccerian democracy does have its share of flaws, but you should see the other guy!
And, umm, speaking of the other guy...
Two weeks before the recent Presidential election, the Dumbopratic National Congress was hacked, leading to thousands of private Hillary Roocartoncleveman campaign emails being published on WiwiLeaks. The emails were a laundry list of calculations, grievances and gossip (apparently, Roocartoncleveman used extra starch on her underwear in order to help her achieve the right level of presidential gravitas). The emails were sufficiently embarrassing to the campaign (Roocartoncleveman's favourite Stooge was Shemp...Shemp!) that they may have discouraged enough Dumbopratic voters to show up at the polls before showing up at their local bar, changing the results of a very close election.
"We did that?" said a bemused Julian Asshatbadmelange, founder of WiwiLeaks. "Oh, please. We're just a small organization trying to bring the light of truth to a dark and ignorant world. Swaying a Vesampuccerian election? That gives us too much credit! We -"
Asshatbadmelange was right: WiwiLeaks published the emails, but it didn't hack the Dumbopratic computers to get them in the first place. According to sources within the cybersecurity community, that was done by -
"Well, we deserve some credit," Asshatbadmelange insisted. "You know, a little. Because of the whole shining of light thing..."
Right. As I was saying, the actual hacking was done by a group known as AK48, which is based in the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Little is known about these
* LITTLE IS KNOWN ABOUT US? HEEEEELLOOOOOO! WE HAVE A WEB PAGE, YOU KNOW! IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TRYING TO BE SECRET OR ANYTHING! JOURNALISTS! HONESTLY, YOU PEOPLE - GET WITH THE 90S! *
I'm sorry. I have no
* OH, AND IT'S PRONOUNCED FEN-ICK, NOT FEN-WICK. LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE SICK FROM WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MARSH, NOT THAT YOU WANT TO LIGHT IT ON FIRE! YOU DAMNED ILLITERATE YANK! *
Actually, I'm a damned illiterate Canuck, but that's not important now. What's going on, here?
* YOU'VE BEEN PWNED, BABY! I'M IN UR PUTER AND MAKING YOU CR - OH, HOLD ON. TIME TO GIVE MY BABY BROTHER HIS PILLS. BRB *
Grand Fenwick has been looking for a way to get back on the world stage ever since its Q-Bomb was discovered to be a hoax. While rumours that it has been behind cyberattacks on European democracies have circulated for the last couple of years, the attack on the DNC is believed to have been the first time
* OKAY. I'M BACK. ARE YOU - ARE YOU STILL GOING ON ABOUT THE DNC HACK? THAT WAS NOTHING - MY TWO MONTH-OLD BROTHER COULD HAVE DONE IT BETWEEN DIAPER CHANGES! YOU KNOW WHAT THE REALLY CLEVER BIT WAS? THE ONE THAT SHOULD GET ME A STARRED REVIEW IN 2600? CREATING THE BOT THAT MADE ANY NEWS OF THE HACK A TRENDING SUBJECT ON TWITHERD. THAT EVENTUALLY GOT THE ATTENTION OF THE PRESS. SWEEEEEET! *
* MY NAME IS WILL GOODONYAFELLOW, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME...WILL THE DARK PWNER *
Are you connected to Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick?
* HE'S MY GREAT-UNCLE. WHAT CAN I SAY? IT'S A SMALL COUNTRY. EVERYBODY'S RELATED TO EVERYBODY ELSE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. *
The Prime Minister has been described as a "Machiavellian, schemer," a " weasel I wouldn't trust with the keys to a public loo" and "a bad, bad man." And, that's just by his family members.
* NOT ME. I'M A FAN!
Okay. He's been called all that by family members other than you. How does he respond to allegations that his government interfered in the Vesampuccerian election?
"You might say that," Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy answers with an offhand grin. "I couldn't possibly comment."
* AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME! *