June 11, 2017
The Daily Me - Charles Adamantium Strumpet
Thank you, Charles Adamantium Strumpet, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we learned that United States President Donald Trump has been giving his private phone number to world leaders. The very morning after he first did this, he angrily tweeted about a woman who called him in the middle of the night and asked him if his refrigerator was running.
We love Angela Merkel!
The Daily Me Staff
We Mean, Look At All She Has To Put Up With!
SOURCE: T-dot ts
Now, If He Moved To Lebanon...
A popular theatre in Texas announced that it would hold an evening of screenings of the film Wonder Woman for female viewers only, which engendered (in a glorious variety of meanings of the word) much whining from some male patrons. "Oh, so, women can get together with each other to see a movie," said Giacomo del Ranier, who, oddly enough, lives in Manchuria, "but men can't get together to make rude jokes about women and figure out ways to keep them from making as much money as we do? That's sooooooo unfair!"
When it was pointed out that he had previously called the film "a sexist piece of anti-man filth," and stated that the only way he would see Wonder Woman was if he had been lobotomized, del Rainier explained: "How am I supposed to boycott something if they won't let me into it in the first place?"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
May As Well - You Know The President Will
On the campaign trail, Donald Trump courted the black vote by asking, "What have you got to lose?"
Health insurance. Public housing. Voting rights. Civil rights. A clean environment...
Need I go on?
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pill
What Are The Odds?
Zbigniew Brzezinski, national security adviser to President Jimmy Carter, has died at the age of 89. We're sure that his death has nothing to do with the fact that President Donald Trump was in the middle of his first trip abroad.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
Markovic Should Get Lessons In Diplomacy From Angela Merkel
U.S. President Donald Trump shoved Montenegrin Prime Minister Dusko Markovic aside as he pushed to get into a group photo at the NATO summit on May 25. Trump put his right hand on Markovic's right arm and pushed himself ahead of the man as NATO leaders walked into the alliance's new headquarters in Brussels.
"The President meant to disrespect to the Prime Minister of Montenegro," said White House Press Weasel Sean Spicer. "He was getting sick of pretending that he actually gave a...crap about what any of the NATO leaders thought, and he just wanted to get things done as quickly as possible so he could get the hell out of there and back home."
SOURCE: CBBS News
I'm Partial To "In All Thy Aardvarks Command"
But I Recognize That I Am In The Minority In That Regard
Conservative Senator Don Plett, who believes that the Canadian national anthem is fine just the way it is, thank you very much, has tabled an amendment to a bill that would make the lyrics gender neutral. The amendment would change "In all of us command," which is meant to replace "In all thy son's command," to "In whoever's whatever, blah blah blah."
"It's like he's not even trying!" complained Catherine Boulanger, the widow of the MP who pushed the bill through Parliament. "Why would he do that?" Because if the bill is amended, it will have to go back to Parliament, where the Tories will kill it by not giving it unanimous consent?
SOURCE: The Irrational
Rising Sea Levels? No...
Extreme Weather? Nyuh Unh...
Shrinking Food Growing Seasons? Nope...
What, Exactly, Do You Think You're Protecting America And Its Citizens FROM?
"In order to fulfill my solemn duty to protect America and its citizens, the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate accord."
- President Donald Trump
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Do As We Say, Not As We - Actually, You Know What? Don't Even Do As We Say
Australian Immigration Minister Peter Dutton has complained about a booklet advising Muslims travelling overseas to be sure to remove anything on their phones that could be construed as advocating violence. The only problem with Dutton's complaint is that the Muslim Legal Network New South Wales got the advice from his government.
How does Dutton explain this? "When the government says it, we are pure of heart and intention," Dutton stated. "When Muslims say it, they are evil and mean us harm. I thought that would have been obvious."
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
They Got The Power!
A new report from Ontario Power Generation affirms its long held position that the best place for a nuclear waste bunker is on the Lake Huron shoreline. "Please move on. There's nothing to see, here, people. Really, you're just wasting your time. Be gone! Get elsewhere with you!"
But, what about the potential of contaminating one of Ontario's largest sources of drinking water? "It's a rock! We're going to bury the nuclear waste under a big, solid rock! It only has to stay there for 10,000 years - what could possibly go - nothing will go wrong!"
What about local First Nations, especially the Saugeen Ojibway Nation, which objects to the existence of the Bruce nuclear power plant, much less the nuclear waste storage facility? "Yeah, yeah. We're in negotiations with them to drop their objections. And, let us tell you, with the amount of money we're talking about, they will be able to afford bottled water for the next...seven or eight thousand years at least!"
Hmm. Testy. Have things been rough? "You have no idea!" the report stated.
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
They Seem To Be Trying To Fill The Positions, And Yet...
Junior Undersecretaries for Defense, Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, Justice and many, many more (1,796 positions available at this time). No experience necessary, although a skill set that includes backstabbing and leaking embarrassing information to the press seems to be an asset. Absolute loyalty to the President a must. Apply: the circular filing cabinet in the Oval Office.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed