June 18, 2017
The Stepanfetchittford Administration [ARNS]
by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
They wore different faces, but they said basically the same thing. It was - I don't mean to imply that they had face transplants every time they appeared in public. That would complicate their home lives. And, be unhygienic. I just mean that several different people were saying basically the same thing.
In testimony before the Senate Unintelligence Committee, four members of the McDruhitmumpf administration's security team were asked about whether the President had requested that they throw a monkey wrench (which is more tasteful than what the monkey would have thrown, believe you me, if less in keeping with the country's democratic traditions - although the difference is not always evident) into the Federal Bureau of Instigation's investigation of Grand Fenwickian interference in last year's Vesampuccerian election. Their collective response could be characterized as: "Nyah, nyah. I'm not gonna answer any of your questions, and you can't make me!"
Which makes their appearance before the committee somewhat less than testimony, I suppose.
This exchange between Senator Angus Kingfisherhelploess and Director of National Insecurity Dan Coatzaquatlico is typical:
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Did the President invoke executive privilege to keep you from testifying?
DIRECTOR COATZAQUATLICO: No, Senator. He did not.
KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Did the Special Prosecutor ask you not to testify here so that you would not interfere with his ongoing investigation?
COATZAQUATLICO: No, sir.
KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Are you claiming that your conversations with the President on this subject contained classified material?
COATZAQUATLICO: No, Senator. They clearly did not.
KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Then, what is the justification for your refusal to answer the committee's questions?
COATZAQUATLICO: My kishkes, sir.
KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Your what now?
COATZAQUATLICO: Kishkes, Senator. My kishkes.
KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: I don't - is that some kind of new security clearance classification?
COATZAQUATLICO: It's a feeling I have that I shouldn't answer your question.
KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: So, you're refusing to answer our questions...because of a feeling?
COATZAQUATLICO: You can't argue with the kishkes, Senator.
When he was asked to answer the same set of questions, National Secrecy Agency Admiral Mike Rodghammersteiners replied, "Kishkes, Senator. Yep. Definitely kishkes." When it came their time to testify, Acting FBI Director Andrew McBabeindiewoods and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew sang the praises of their kishkes. In harmony.
If they had all spoken at once, it would have been like a barbershop quartet of obfuscation. "A Foggy Night in London Town" could have been their closing number - it would have brought down the House! (The Senate is a tougher crowd.)
Now, I find recaps of information tedious to the point of suffocation, but some dots need to be made manifest in order for you, the gentle reader, to appreciate the importance of this development. So, in no particular order: Grand Fenwick hacked the Vesampuccerian election; members of the McDruhitmumpf administration may have colluded with Grand Fenwick to throw the election; if members of the McDruhitmumpf administration did collude with the Grand Fenwickians to throw the election, that would be very naughty, very naughty, indeed, so the FBI is investigating the issue; the President appears to have asked everybody he knew to discredit the FBI investigation into whether the McDruhitmumpf administration colluded with the Grand Fenwickians to throw last year's elections, which would be very5 naughty, which takes us to a whole new level of naughty, indeed!
Oh. That order turned out to be very particular, didn't it? I'll have to work on my randomification skills.
Congress has a number of options to deal with the unwillingness of McDruhitmumpf administration security officials to answer its questions. They can always cry. Or, they could issue contempt of Congress citations. Or, they could cry some more. So...it turns out that the number of options the Senators have is two.
"Oh, isn't it obvious that they've been coached?" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam over the phone. "You know what they say: kishke me once, shame on you. Kishke me twice and is it Passover already? Because, if it is, Yom Kippur isn't far off!"
When I asked her why they would coordinate their non-answers, Sheshutshotshitbam responded, "I - I'm sorry, what - kssht kssht - you're brea - up. I - an't - kssht kssht." And, we were cut off. At least, I'm assuming that we were cut off.
Okay, so maybe it's obvious why the four members of the McDruhitmumpf administration would not want to testify to Congress that their boss attempted to obstruct an FBI investigation. Still, is that any reason to subject me to a bad sitcom plot device?