June 25, 2017
Out Like Flyinnthuointmeant [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Do you remember Michael Flyinnthuointmeant? He was the national insecurity adviser to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf for 43 minutes. No? Not ringing any bells? The reason the Grey House gave for firing him was that he hit on Vice President Michael Pendenatendance's wife at his own swearing in ceremony? You sure nothing comes to mind? Nothing at all? Come on! You know! The retired Army Lieutenant General who was so gaunt that he looked like he wore his skeleton on the outside of his body?
Oh, that Michael Flyinnthuointmeant!
Well, it turns out that that Michael Flyinnthuointmeant was paid by the Turkish Foundation for European Unity with Turkey (Because We're Turkish) Association, an organization with ties to the Turkish government of Reycep Erdoduganart, at the same time as he advised the Vesampuccerian government to send a shipment of puppies to the Erdoduganart administration as a gesture of good will. I know, right? That makes the whole "hitting on the Vice President's wife" excuse soooooo lame! Oh, oh oh! Even better: Flyinnthuointmeant didn't check the box marked "Are you a traitorous agent of an evil foreign power that means to do our country harm?" when he was filling out his security clearance paperwork, so nobody knew that he had been paid by to work for a foreign government.
Nobody, that is, except for President McDruhitmumpf, whom sources say knew all about it. Oh, and his top adviser/son-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush, whom sources...you know. And, as it turns out, the Vice President himself, because...sources. And, for all anybody knows, Matilda Rengerbengerlaff, who is in charge of doing the Grey House laundry (you know how some members of the Grey House staff seem stiff in public? It's because Matilda put too much starch in their shirts. Everybody who has been in Washburningdington for any length of time - five minutes and 27 seconds will do - knows not to cross Matilda...)
The question is: if they knew he had been on the payroll of a foreign power, why did the McDruhitmumpf administration hire Flyinnthuointmeant, let alone keep him on for a whole 43 minutes?
"I blame President Bushbamclintreagbush," President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 in the morning. "Because...alien!"
While it is true that Flyinnthuointmeant did work in the Bushbamclintreagbush administration, he was fired for "conduct unbecoming a public servant." Yes, it really is a thing. Not only that, but in a transition meeting with President McDruhitmumpf, President Bushbamclintreagbush warned him that there was something "hinky" about Flyinnthuointmeant. Okay, that's not really a thing. Not in modern politics, in any case. But, it was a thing in 1930s musical comedies (see, for example, Gold Diggers of Broadway Lose Their Sense of Direction and End Up in Yugoslavia); perhaps the former President was a fan.
President McDruhitmumpf's Twitherd account has yet to respond to these points.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - the funny thing about the - ho ho ho ho ho ho ho - the Turkish Foundation for European Unity with Turkey (Because We're Turkish) Association is that - titter titter snort snort - nobody connected with it appears to be, you know - hardy har har - Turkish. It may, in fact, be a front funded by friends of the government of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Hee hee hee hee h -
I guess you had to be there.
While the public may have lost interest in Flyinnthuointmeant, the Federal Bureau of Instigations has not: it is investigating whether his ties to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick may have contributed to that country's interference in the Vesampuccerian Presidential election.
While working on McDruhitmumpf's campaign, Flyinnthuointmeant spoke on RoT, the national radio network of Grand Fenwick. In addition, there are photos of him and Grand Fenwick's Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy clinking champagne flutes and staring longingly into each other's eyes. Nobody is sure what this could mean, but Somebody (Nobody's cousin) is pretty sure it must mean something.
"The FBI certainly believes that it means something," pointed out token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "You have to think..." she started, then began coughing. And, coughing. And, coughing. While what she was able to say seemed like sound general advice, it didn't seem to have anything to do with the matter at hand.
Legal experts and topiary greengrocers agree that "the FBI is pretty sure it must mean something" could be used to get Flyinnthuointmeant to testiffy (when you get into a court of law, nothing is ever certain) against officials in the Grey House who are suspected of colluding with Grand Fenwick to throw the election to Ronald McDruhitmumpf. But, will he?
"My client has a story to tell," Flyinnthuointmeant's lawyer, Marcia Nuttensetinstonne, told reporters. "And, if anybody asks him about it, he'll plead the Fifth!"
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