June 25, 2017
The Daily Me - Verma Ip
Thank you, Verma Ip, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we started hearing rumours that Wonder Woman was a "Jewish" movie because the title character is played by Gal Gadot, an Israeli Jew. Using this reasoning, half the superheroes in movies released in the last 20 years are gay...and not necessarily the ones you think.
Is this somewhere comic book fans really want to go?
The Daily Me Staff
They Should Be Boiled To Death In Water - Or, Better Yet, A Hearty Broth
At least three people are dead and six wounded after police in Bangalore got into a firefight with rogue dumplings in a shopping mall early this morning. Official reports claim that the dumplings were threatening shop owners with pistols; although their motivation is unclear, police have not ruled out the possibility that this is a case of dumpling terrorism.
"You see? Do you now see?" exclaimed Ramesh Arora, a member of the state legislative assembly in Jammu, India. "I warned everybody that street dumplings were killers. But did you believe me? These dumplings are bad, bad to the bone - they deserve the death penalty!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
This Should Appease All Of The People Who Are Fearful That Politicians Know Where They Live
Liberal Party constituency letter
Dear [Constituent's name],
I was [appropriate emotion] that I recently sent a letter to you celebrating [special day] that referred to my "(riding name)" instead, of course, of [riding name]. Please accept my [appropriate action] for this lapse in [appropriate noun]. Please believe that I am not a generic politician - I [appropriate level] [appropriate expression of remorse] this action, and would like to [word of assurance] my constituents that it will never happen again.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
Wait! I've Heard That Before. Does That Mean...?
Robert De Niro believes that he has found a way of explaining the United States to the world. "History happens twice," he stated. "Once as inspiring uplifting drama. The second time as tragic dumbass comedy."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
When Asked To Explain Himself, Sekulow Claimed He Had Never Said Anything Negative About The President
President Donald Trump tweeted that "I am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director! Witch Hunt". This would appear to be an acknowledgement that he is, in fact, under investigation, right?
According to Jay Sekulow, one of Trump's blossoming posse of lawyers, there is no possible way in this or any other reality that the President is under investigation by the FBI, the KGB, the Men in Black or any other security agency. When asked about the tweet, Sekulow responded, "Well, he's a befuddled old man who blathers on about whatever he thought he read in some newspaper within the last 30 seconds. And, he doesn't even read newspapers!"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Sounds Like Somebody Needs Couple Counselling!
The Trudeau government's decision to greenlight a Chinese takeover of a Canadian high tech firm that sells satellite-communication systems to the American military jeopardizes U.S. National security, a congressional commission warned on Monday. The federal Environment Minister says she has told the head of the Environmental Protection Agency directly and also in a meeting with her G7 counterparts that Canada is extremely disappointed with the Trump administration's decision to pull out of the Paris accord on climate change.
"Canada's approval of the sale of Norsat to a Chinese entity raises significant national-security concerns for the United States as the company is a supplier to our military," Commissioner Michael Wessel said. "I expressed Canada's deep disappointment in the decision by the United States to walk away from the global consensus of the Paris agreement during a bilateral meeting with Mr. Pruitt and also at the table of G7 environmental ministers," Ms. McKenna told reporters on Monday during a teleconference from Italy.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
The Last Of The Summer Wine Has, Alas, Turned
Death, Grommit, death! No special contraption or doohickey could save Peter Sallis from the hand of the Grim Reaper at the age of 96.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
I Don't Think Words Are The Problem, Here
Pentagon Math Word Problem: The Ground-based Midcourse Defense system (GMD) reportedly cost over $40 billion. In its existence, it has successfully sent a rocket to intercept an incoming missile in mid-air ten times (out of 18 attempts). Question 1: What is the average cost of a successful use of this defense? Question 2: How long will the American public be convinced that these tests are "vital" to the national defense?
Extra sheets of paper are available at the invigilater's desk if you need more room to show your work.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Race-baiting Is Revealed As A Canadian Value
Conservative MP Kellie Leitch - she of the "Canadian values test" - got a negative reaction when she tweeted "A battered wife and a bloodied hockey stick. That's the legacy of Trudeau's Syrian refugee program." Leitch has been accused of, among other things: cherry-picking one negative incident out of a programme that has by and large worked well; attacking a vulnerable Canadian minority for partisan gain; and, being very, very tacky.
"But...but...but..." Leitch sputtered in response, "Donald Trump makes it look so easy!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Don't Listen To The Man Behind The Iron Curtain
Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered an interesting defense against allegations that Russia interfered with the American election: his government is being treated like Jews. "It reminds me of anti-Semitism," he recently said in an interview. "A stupid man who can't do anything right would blame everything on Jews."
The Absurd Ironyometer will allow that any Russian leader could speak knowledgeably on the subject of anti-Semitism. After all, Russia had a Pogrom a Day Programme against Jews until well into the 20th century. And, even now nationalist politicians who support Putin are not shy about saying that the only reason Russia is no longer great is because of an international Zionist conspiracy. Yeah, there's nothing anybody could teach Russia about anti-Semitism.
The Absurd Ironyometer suspects that, once again, we will have to redefine the term "chutzpah."
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page