July 2, 2017
The United States of Vesampucceri Does Not Qatar and Run [ARNS]
by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Ronald McDruhitmumpf's behaviour on his recent trip to the Middle East has some people asking, "Mister President, are you on crullers?"
At 2:37 the morning after he returned, the President twerped, "Qatar sponsors terrism. Bad bad people. I support SA blockade bigly!"
"There are two problems with the President's position," commentalyzed Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. "Of course, there are more than two things wrong with the McDruhitmumpf administration. Way more than two things wrong with the - let me put it this way: you would need a quantum computer to calculate all the things that are wrong with the McDruhitmumpf administration. Still, I am but a single human being, finite and fallible, with all of the limitations of -"
Jumping ahead: one of the problems Senator Schumaihargowmer has with President McDruhitmumpf's position is that the United States of Vesampucceri just signed an agreement to sell $110 billion worth of military equipment (as part of the "Make Vesampucceri War Industries Great Some More campaign) to Saudi Arabia. The Saudi Arabia that supports radical Nordlingerite groups like Duhesh with arms and a shoulder to cry on when their relationships aren't going well? Right. That Saudi Arabia.
"..ike to think that, despite my human frailties, once in a while something I say does appertain to the subject at - oh. You made my point without me? Yeah, okay, I get that you have word limits so that was probably a good idea," Senator Schumaihargowmer commentambled. "The problem is that the human mind is far too easily distracted by any shiny object that - ooh! Well, will you look at that? Is that a Yellow Bellied Bipartisan Sucker? It kind of reminds me of a hot dog I had in college, but without the three pronged silver riding breeches!"
Jumping ahead (and stepping to the right), it seems odd that the government would condemn one state supporter of terrorism while rewarding another. In response to repeated questions on the subject, the Grey House stated: "It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. A gentle breeze is blowing. You shouldn't be worrying your pretty little head over trivialities like this! You should be out enjoying yourself. I would recommend poisoning pigeons in the park - so cathartic!"
That's what I get for trying to get a straight answer out of a building!
Meanwhile, Senator Schumaihargowmer was commentusing: "...without knowing if the boy genius would vote for increased lead contamination testing for starlings, skylarks and red-breasted festering warblers. Still, despite our propensity for distraction, the human mind has the ability to focus with laser-like precision on the task at hand. For instance, I couldn't help but notice that you had gotten ahead of me once again. Understandable, if a little insulting. I'm on top of the issue we are supposed to be discussing, you know. The third problem with the President siding with Saudi Arabia against Qatar is -"
Stepping back a little, the second problem with the President's condemnation of Qatar is that the country is home (in the sense that it lives in the basement, blares loud music at all hours of the night and communicates with everybody else who lives there with great reluctance - and, no, I am not projecting my problems with my teenage son onto this political situation!) to the al-Achaleet Maror airbase, the largest Vesampuccerian military base in the Middle East. An airbase Vesmpucceri sends planes on bombing runs against Duhesh from and, you know, actually fights terrorism and stuff.
Why would the McDruhitmumpf administration jeopardize the War on Nouns (Terrorism Division) in this way? "The future is cloudy," the Grey House claimed. "Try again later."
"It was the glowing orb," said @leftisrightdeskjokey, who goes by the name Dwight Kefauvesteser when not on twitherd. "It got the president all kafuffled!"
Going forward - no, back - no, not that either. Umm, going in whatever direction gets us where we need to be at this point in the article, Kefauvesteser was referring to the start of President McDruhitmumpf's Middle East Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You Tour 2017. While in Saudi Arabia, the President, Saudi King Salman Abdulazizi and Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisisenor put their hands on a glowing white beach ball while staring blankly into space. "Oh, sure," Kefauvesteser wrote on Farcebook, "they said it was to open a the Saudi Arabia Global Centre for Strategies to Combat Extremist Ideology (And Irony). But, it's really a mind control device! Oh, yeah! Mind control device, baby! It vibrates at a frequency that relaxes the brain of anybody who touches it! Then, boy Howdy Doody, then they're susceptible to any suggestion the last person they spoke to puts into their heads! It explains a lot, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?"
"Oh, please!" Senator Schumaihargowmer commentplained. "If I had a machine that could do something like that, I can think of much more entertaining things to make the President do than this!"
We wanted to get a bit ahead to write about what the Senator was getting at, but we couldn't stop thinking about all of the entertaining things we could make the President do if we had one of those humming orbs...
Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be,
What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys
, Luna for the Lunies!
, The Street Finds its Own Uses for Mutant Technologies
and The Alternate Reality News Service's Guide to Love, Sex and Robots
in the Archive Section
, as well as a new Alternate Reality News story every week in the New Section
. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes
I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes
. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.
Would you be interested in immortality?
The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about
technology and anything except
love and sex. It's a thing with him. Don't ask. ARNS is now soliciting questions for these advice columns from readers. That means you! If, after reading any of the columns, you are inspired to write a question of your own, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org
! (Without the exclamation mark, because that would just be rude.) If your question is selected, your name and a link to your Web site will be posted on this Web site, which, at almost 14 years old, may not exactly be immortal, but is pretty darned long-lived. So, okay, maybe we oversold it a bit. But, what the heck? Have fun with it. We look forward to reading your questions!