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Chapter 23
July 2, 2017

Quotes Heard You the First Time!


Finally, A White House Press Conference Actually Contains News!
The President Eats Salad! Who Knew?

"If the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that's a Russian connection." - White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer

When Asked For A Response, The Director Of The NRA Got A Far Away Look On His Face And Grinned
Apparently, The New York Times Had Found His Happy Place

"The reaction of some was that the only solution is yet more guns... Yet consider the society Americans would have to live in to enable that kind of defence. Every member of Congress, and every other American, would have to go to baseball practice, or to school, or to work, or to the post office, or to the health clinic with a gun on their hip." - New York Times editorial on the gunman opening fire on Republican politicians at practice for the annual baseball game

A Reminder That Women Weren't The Only People Who Had Something To Fear From Him

"But, how are you going to get jobs for them? Many of them are ill-educated and have tattoos on their foreheads, and I hate to generalize about it, but it's true. If you look at all the educational statistics, how are you going to get jobs for people who aren't qualified for jobs?" - Bill O'Reilly on how hard it would be for Donald Trump to find employment for certain segments of the American population

You Mean, Aside From All The Cholesterol?

"Why don't you believe him? Why isn't it taken at face value. You can't give him the benefit of the doubt on this and he's telling you what's in his heart? You want to go with what's come out of his mouth rather than what's in his heart?" - Kellyanne Conway defending President Trump's defense that he wasn't mocking a disabled reporter

Fees To Tug The Island Across The Atlantic Too Expensive?

"We are leaving the EU, but we are not leaving Europe." - British Prime Minister (for now) Theresa May

He Told Me So Himself

"I can definitely say the president's not a liar." - Trump spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Just Ask Our Friends In Ukraine - They'll Be Happy To Tell You

"Unlike many partners of ours, we never interfere within the domestic affairs of other countries. That is one of the principles we stick to in our work." - Russian President Vladimir Putin

How Is It Possible For An Organization To Thrive When It Is So Hell Bent On Killing Its Members? How?

"It places an arbitrary boundary on your right to self-defence." - the National Rifle Association responds to a a proposed law that would keep concealed weapons out of state and local hospitals

He Obviously Needs A Plumber - Not That That Has Always Worked Out So Well For Presidents In The Past...

"Well, the leaks are real. You're the one that wrote about them and reported them; I mean, the leaks are real. You know what they said, you saw it, and the leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake." - President Donald Trump

Have You Tried Bill O'Reilly's Human Resources Department?

"Human rights, United Nations, that's fine. If you have complaints, OK. You want to file charges, fine. Look for evidence. But still, I will kill you." - Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte responding to calls for an investigation into civil rights violations in his war on drugs


Did You Use A Random Movie Cliche Generator To Write That?

"Suddenly, the stakes couldn't be higher for Lara, who - against the odds and armed with only her sharp mind, blind faith and inherently stubborn spirit - must learn to push herself beyond her limits as she journeys into the unknown. If she survives this perilous adventure, it could be the making of her, earning her the name tomb raider." - official plot synopsis of the new Lara Croft: Tomb Raider remake

Unless It's Taking It To The Space Station, That Doesn't Really Mean Much, Sammy

"It's taking tequila to another level." - musician Sammy Hagar, one of the co-creators of Santo Mezquila, which combines tequila with mescal

"And, I Played A Master Thief In Out Of Sight, So If I Ever Lose My Job, And Amal Loses Hers, And We Burn Through The Savings Both Of Us Have Accumulated, I'll Still Be Able To Support Us!"

"I played a pediatrician on ER...if there's any accidents, I'm there. I'm the guy." - George Clooney, on being ready to be a father

Scarlett Johansen's Character In The Avengers Was So Much Widow Dressing

"After Star Wars: The Force Awakens, fans used the #wheresRey campaign to highlight the initial absence of toys and games featuring the movie's female star - before Disney flooded stores with more merchandise. More recently, characters such as Harley Quinn, Batgirl, Black Window and Supergirl have been included in ensemble packs on store shelves." - Toronto Star

Either Will Guarantee That You Won't Be Suffering In THAT Workplace For Very Much Longer

"If you don't like what's happening in the workplace, go to human resources or leave." - Bill O'Reilly

Didn't The Rolling Stones Have A Song About Somebody Like That...?

"If you see a sweating, twitching, nervous man wandering the streets, take pity on him. He could be a billionaire." - Globe and Mail

I've Said It Before And I'll Say It Again: Only In Hollywood Could Oliver Stone Be Considered An Intellectual

"I'm amazed at his calmness, his courtesy - he never really said anything bad about anybody and, I mean, he's been through a lot." - director Oliver Stone on Vladimir Putin

It's A Fine Line Fine Job Between Copy Edited And Not So Much

"Trevorrow does a fine takes a fine job of navigating a story which alternates in tone from comic and sweet to moody and suspenseful." - Toronto Star

"I Was Referring To The Fact That The Spill Became Public. Why? What Did You Think I Was Talking About?"

"We regret this unfortunate incident. We have already made changes to our operations to avoid a re-occurrence." - CN spokesperson Kate Fenske on the accidental discharge of 90 litres of diesel fuel into Edmonton's North Saskatchewan River

Editorial Lapse? Tones Have Been Written About It It

"Yes, the series has some serious intentions. It is feminist in tome and attitude, and touches upon issues of of how women are pigeonholed into specific roles." - Globe and Mail review of Orphan Black

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