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Chapter 23
July 2, 2017

Mitch Wichconnelliswich's Mystery Achievement [ARNS]

by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer

The Senate has passed a version of a health care bill, much to the delight of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who immediately tweeped, "o, snap, haters! if we keep campaign promises at this rate, well run out by Thursday! #suckitdums" Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich commented, "If we must do the bloodie deed, t'were best it be done quickly." The celebration of passage of the bill on the Grey House lawn looked more like a wake for everybody's favourite uncle, you know the one, the uncle that everybody felt vaguely uncomfortable around because he was so much better than they are, but whose passing will take an important source of light from the world. Everybody except the President, who grinned like he just drank all the whisky at the open bar and was starting on the sake.

All this for a bill that nobody has even seen.

"Oh, don't be so dramatic," Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich said in his patented tortoise on Valium drawl. "You'll know what's in the bill at the appropriate time." Which, according to anonymous sources within the Grey House, means after the election. 2018? 2020? 2036? Anonymous sources within the Grey House can be maddeningly short on specifics, like clairvoyants or automobile repair shops.

The bill was written by the Gang of 12 ("We're three times the autocrats that the Gang of Four ever was!"), Reduhblican Senators with an apparent passion for self-immolation. Except, their sessions were conducted behind closed doors (because Charlie Ristamorpovich songs always occur twice: the first time as top ten hits, the second time as farce), and anonymous sources close to the deliberations say that the Senators mostly talked about baseball and whether the last few episodes of Orphan Black will redeem a couple of lacklustre seasons.

There were no public hearings on the bill. There were no closed hearings. The Congressional Budget Office's score of the legislation was a single line: "You're on your own - we're too busy weeping with despair." The bill that was submitted to the Senate contained 738 blank pages, at the end of which were three letters: IOU. In fact, the bill's title, "A Bill to Repeal the Universally Hated Bushbamclintreagbushcare - Ptui! Ptui! Ugh! Ugh! - May the Ashes of Its Corpse Rot In Hell Forever and Ever Amen," was longer than the text of the bill itself.

Despite its insouciant air of mystery, after 37 seconds of debate (in which each Senator was allowed a single word) the bill passed 52-48 along party lines.

"This is a great achievement," crowed President McDruhitmumpf at the celewaketion. "At last, all Vesampuccerian citizens will get the health care they deserve!"

"What achievement are they celewaking?" Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. "Do you see an achievement, here? Because I certainly don't. Health care accounts for 1/6 of the Vesampuccerian economy, and we have no idea what the Reduhblicans plan on doing with it! It's a mystery worthy of Agatha Chrisgardstouderrmett!"

When he was reminded of the House version of a Health Care bill (which polls at 17 per cent, just a little ahead of poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick and three points behind sticking your finger in a light socket while listening to an audiobook version of Ayn Randblandbadtookno's Atlas Giggled aka The Modern Reduhblican's Playbook), Senator Schumaihargowmer moaned. It was such an impressive moan that we're negotiating with a mid-level Hollywood studio for the rights to use our tape of the interview in future horror movies.

"It's obvious that Wichconnelliswich doesn't want anybody to know what's in this bill because it's beyond Superfund toxic," stated token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Coming into close proximity of the bill could cause your skin to break out in a rash of bad publicity, a loss of feeling in the extremities of your base with accompanying shedding of followers, or - oh, crap, I've been in this hospital too long!"

Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that the secrecy would all be for nothing when people got thrown off their health insurance plans and started being injected with the Plague.

Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich shook his head and replied that die-hard Reduhblican supporters would believe him when he told them that they were getting better health care at a lower cost. They would never lose faith even as the ice floe they had been put on drifted out of sight of land.

Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam scoffed that the Plague was certainly a hard way for Reduhblicans to die, and that the survivors would be most unhappy that Reduhblicans were responsible.

Grinning reptilianly, Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich replied that you don't really understand image management, do you? Worse comes to worst, we can always blame people's poor health outcomes on Hillary Roocartoncleveman's emails.

Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam moaned. Sounds like something's going around. She should probably see a doctor about that.

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