July 2, 2017
The Daily Me - Hugh Bigwittis
Thank you, Hugh Bigwittis, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard that Bill Cosby, fresh off his vindicating mistrial for sexual assault, is going to hold town hall meetings in which he will "educate young people, including young athletes and married men, on how to protect themselves from false accusations of sexual assault." And, we thought, Well, how O. J. Simpson of you! Of course, Cosby may not have the stamina to carry an entire hour - he may need an opening act.
Might we suggest Roosh V.?
The Daily Me Staff
It Never Rain Mans But It Pours
If Rain Man had been produced today, the script might be a little different:
CHARLIE: We have to get across the country in a hurry. I'm going to rent us a Mercedes -
RAYMOND: No. No Mercedes. No.
CHARLIE: No Merce - why not?
RAYMOND: Mercedes cheated.
RAYMOND: On emissions tests. Cheated. Mercedes cheated.
CHARLIE: It cheated.
RAYMOND: On emissions tests. Yeah. Cheated.
CHARLIE: I don't care. Mercedes is a good car, and we're taking it. Okay?
RAYMOND: No. Mercedes cheated.
CHARLIE: We're taking the Mercedes! Get in!
RAYMOND: (rocking back and forth) Aaaaaiiieeeeee!
CHARLIE: (shouting) Raymond! Stop it! Stop it right now!
People in the used car lot are beginning to stare.
CHARLIE: Okay! Okay! Raymond! We won't take a Mercedes! No Mercedes! Got it? No Mercedes!
RAYMOND: (stops rocking) Mercedes cheated.
CHARLIE: They cheated. I get it, Raymond. I get it. We'll take a...a Chrysler. A good American SUV. Would that satisfy you?
RAYMOND: Chrysler cheated.
CHARLIE: On its emission tests?
RAYMOND: It cheated.
CHARLIE: Chrysler cheated?
RAYMOND: On its emissions tests. Cheated. Yeah. Cheated.
CHARLIE: How about...Volkswagen, Raymond? How about a nice little bug? Did Volkswagen cheat on its emissions tests, too?
RAYMOND: Yeah. It cheated. Volkswagen cheated. On its emissions tests.
CHARLIE: Volkswagen chea - oh, for the love of - okay, Raymond. GM Duramax?
RAYMOND: They cheated.
CHARLIE: (angry) Dammit, Raymond, we have to get going! Is there any car company that would be acceptable to you? Come on, Raymond! Tell me: what car would you be willing to drive in?
RAYMOND: Qantas never cheated on emissions tests.
CHARLIE: (shouting) That's because it's not a car company!
RAYMOND: Qantas. Definitely Qantas. Yeah. Qantas.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
Somebody Madoff Like A Bandit
A firm that was hired to distribute $4 billion to victims of Bernie Madoff has charged $38.8 million in legal fees even though it has yet to pay out a single cent to the victims of his Ponzi scheme.
"Hunh," Madoff commented from his comfortable cell away from home. "Looks like I chose the wrong racket!"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
How Far Away From The Front Lines Do You Have To Be To Maintain Your "Adviser" Status?
A Special Operations sniper shot a Daesh fighter in Iraq from 3.5 kilometres away, the Canadian military confirmed Thursday. At least 632 people have been shot in Toronto during the past four and a half years (as of June 20), according to Toronto police statistics.
"While the shot was possible with the outstanding ballistic properties of a match .50 (inch) projectile, a conventional rifle scope would make seeing the target at that range almost impossible and it may be likely that the sniper team had some form of assistance either from an extremely advanced rifle scope or an overhead drone," McAllister said. "I said, 'Mom, I'm shot.' And she just began to scream...and after, she couldn't cry, she began to moan," Cohen said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
Talk About Bad Taste!
McDonald's created a commercial that it expected people in the UK to eat up. Unfortunately for the company, the public found it hard to swallow.
The ad featured a child asking what his deceased father was like. In a country that has had its share of children asking about deceased parents in recent weeks, this was considered a chicken nugget too far.
McDonald's did the corporate equivalent of excusing itself to go to the bathroom; when it came back, the excess advertising was nowhere to be seen.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
Opioid Opie Has Some 'Splainin' To Do
After a fiasco in 2010 in which it was revealed that a third of the members of a panel overseeing national standards for prescribing opioids had been paid by pharmaceutical companies, some of which manufactured the drugs the panel was supposed to be regulating, a new effort at developing standards started from the premise that nobody involved should have been paid by any drug manufacturer. Nobody. Not a single person. Not one. Never. Ever. Not this time. There should absolutely and definitely be no perceivable conflict of interest here, boy howdy, Nope, Un uh. Not here.
So, why is Sol Stern, who has been a paid speaker and advisory board member for drug companies, including the pharmaceutical giant whose pain pill is largely responsible for the opioid epidemic, on the panel?
"Oh, well, you know, Sol is a really good guy who takes a balanced approach to issues such as these," explained co-lead of the group Jason Busse. "One the one hand, there's the well-being of the citizens of Canada. On the other hand, there's whether or not he will be able to afford a downpayment on a condo in Florida. Honestly, he has the wisdom of Solomon, that man!"
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
No Word On Whether Combustible Cladding Will Be Used
Tests have found that at least seven highrise apartment buildings in England have combustible external panels like those that may have contributed to a fire that killed 79 people in London. Prime Minister Theresa May announced that there will be an inquiry into the deadly fire, and that, "For any guilty parties there will be nowhere to hide."
Soon after her statement, May ordered that all mirrors in Parliament and Tory offices be covered.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
Not That Anybody Intended To Get Into A Diplomatic Flap...
Sotheby's New York has announced that it will be auctioning off a space bag that has visited the moon.
That's a rather harsh way of describing the Juluikian Ambassador! He may be a little overweight, but the flesh doesn't hang off his limbs any more than it does the limbs of a human...six times his age. Still. Name-calling does not help maintain amicable galactic relations!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service