July 9, 2017
Exploring the Limits of the Rubber and Glue Doctrine [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
At 2:37 this morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Fenwick couldn't interfear in US election because Febwick DIDN'T interfair in US election. Case closed already! @losers"
At 2:39 this morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Oh! Oh! Oh! Bushbamclintreagbush worked with Fenwick to throw election to Ds. SNIIIIIIIFF! Is that colision i smell? @sadlosers"
"Okay, so, yeah, that was a little weird," said Dumbopratic Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. "Perhaps not as weird as the 2007 Fleabag Tariff Debate - nobody involved has fully recovered from that fiasco! Still. If I understand what the President is saying - and, with this President, the odds of the truth value of any of his statements are a matter for Vegas bookies to resolve - McDruhitmumpf is saying that Bushbamclintreagbush worked with the Fenwickians to help the Dumboprats win the election even though the Dumboprats did not win the election. Man, I lost 23 IQ points just trying to get that statement out!"
At the day's press pantsing - which was more chaotic than usual because, in addition to not being allowed to record the proceedings in any medium that currently exists or that may be created in the future, journalists sat facing the wall, which meant they couldn't see whom Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer was pointing at to give them their turn to ask a question - Press Secretary Spirochetericer said, "I think the President was very clear on this subject. If you have any further questions, ask him what he meant!"
When several journalists pointed out that answering such questions was his job, Press Secretary Spirochetericer stormed out of the room. Owing to the fact that they were facing in the opposite direction, it took the assembled cream of the Washburningdington press corps 78 minutes to realize that he was no longer there. They might be there still, except a Grey House tour entered what the guide thought was an empty room, and a 12 year-old from Missouli, Mississippi asked why all those men and women were facing the wall - had they been given a time out?
Although the guide was not aware of it, yes, in a way that was exactly what happened.
Senator Schumaihargowmer pointed out that President Bushbamclintreagbush had a meeting with Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, where the President was reported to have given the Prime Minister a "damn good pranging!" (An English-to-English translator suggested that this was a bad thing.) In addition, the Bushbamclintreagbush administration placed sanctions on The First National Bank of Queen Gloriana, the only financial institution in the country, and the First National Marshmallow Factory of Queen Gloriana, a key exporting industry of the country.
"Does that sound like a government that was collisioning - sorry, I meant colluding with a foreign power?" Senator Schumaihargowmer said, rubbing his head furiously. "You wouldn't happen to have any Electronic Cottage Industrial Strength Tylenol, would you?"
"The Reduhblicans have been doing this for decades," said presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess. "When they are accused of bad behaviour, they claim that the Dumboprats are the ones who did it. I think of this as the I'm Rubber, You're Glue, Whatever You Say Bounces Off Me and Sticks To You Doctrine. I'm indebted to my six year-old daughter Estrellanda for this insight. It didn't stop her from being sent to bed without her supper, but I did thank her in the introduction of the book I wrote about the principle."
According to Beschbefordatloess, the architect of the doctrine was Karl Rovingeyebadhart, aka Bushbushindakush's Behind. When he was President, Georgie W. Bushbushindakush was advised by Rovingeyebadhart to say things like, "It was the Dumboprats who lied to the Vesampuccerian people about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction and pushing a war of choice because Saddam Hoohaintaltoosein had threatened to kill my - henh henh - I mean, their daddy."
And, the Reduhblicans have been doing it ever since.
The fact that the accusations are absurd to the point of Ionesco is irrelevant, claimed Beschbefordatloess. "The Reduhblican base is reality averse. When confronted with actual honest to goodness facts, they break out in a cold sweat and the travelling heebie jeebies. After decades of bending it to suit their political agenda, the Reduhblicans have finally broken reality. Given this, there is only one thing you can be sure of: if the Reduhblicans are accusing anybody of bad behaviour, it is something that they are engaging in themselves!"
Does that mean that the Fenwickians colluded with the Reduhblicans to throw the 2016 elections? "You might say that," Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy said with an offhand toss of his single thin tress of hair. "I couldn't possibly comment."
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