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Chapter 24
July 9, 2017

The Daily Me - Brocky Gripe

Thank you, Brocky Gripe, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, aggrieved white men bleated about Star Trek: Discovery. It was mean, angry bleating, as is their wont. The fact that the show focuses on two women of colour and, in fact, has few white characters has been characterized by some especially strident bleaters as part of the programme of "white genocide."

Please! Whites make up only 18% of the human population on Earth. Given the number of alien species in the Star Trek universe, white Earth humanoids would make up only .0000002% of the sentient beings in the galaxy; this would make them ridiculously over-represented on the shows. Vulcan genocide! Vulcan genocide! Vulcan genocide!

The Daily Me Staff

The Clenched Sphincter Of Truth Is Not A Reliable Source Of Information

They use their media to report facts. They use their schools to teach children that history and science matter. They use their movie stars and singers and comedy shows to entertain people over and over again. And, while they're at it, over again.

All of which gets them to march. Somehow. With signs making fun of us. And, chants that make fun of us. And, speeches that make fun of us. They claim to be a resistance to our racism and sexism and xenophobia - as if anybody could resist our racism and sexism and xenophobia. Their "legal" actions leave police no choice but to tase them and beat them with batons and arrest them and sometimes shoot them.

And when that happens, they'll use it as an excuse for more protests. Honestly, it just goes on and on. And, while they're at it, on again. The only way we stop this, the only way we save our money and our freedom to create our own reality, is to fight this violence of legality with the clenched sphincter of truth.

I'm the National Rifle Association. And I'm freedom's direst enemy.



Phalanx In The Sense Of Crowd - Get Your Mind Out Of Your Scatological Bent!

In a tweet at 2:37 this morning, President Trump claimed that former President Obama did not respond aggressively enough to the threat of Russian interference in the 2016 election, going so far as to accuse Obama of the dreaded C word. (That's collusion, for those of you of a more scatological bent.) Does this mean that President Trump is finally admitting that Russia did interfere with the American election?

The President responded: "Err, umm, of course not! I - I - I - oh, look! Over there! Crooked Hillary's emails!" Then, he scurried back behind a phalanx of surrogates into the Oval Office.



Damn Codes That Insist That Products Don't Kill People, Anyway!

Arconic Inc. has announced that it will stop producing construction panels known as Reynobond PE. The company stated that, "We believe this is the right decision because of the inconsistency of building codes across the world and issues that have arisen in the wake of the Grenfell Tower tragedy regarding code compliance of cladding systems."

This wasn't a total loss for the company, however, Rumour has it that Arconic is researching ways of marketing its cladding as fireworks for national holidays.

SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal


Are You Sure The Joints He was Referring To Weren't Smokeable?

The White House released a statement that it knew Syria was preparing for another chemical attack on civilians and, when it came, it - sorry, they meant if, if it came - if it came, the US would ensure that the Assad government would pay a heavy price. "I feel an attack is coming, feel it in my joints," the President said. "And, my joints have predicted 23 of the last 19 wars!"

The announcement took the State Department, which normally has input into such policies, by surprise, but that there was nothing they could do about. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson explained: "I am not about to argue with the President s joints!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


The Patriotalyzer Would Be A Great Superhero Name!

The Philippine government has passed a law requiring citizens to sing the country's national anthem "with fervour" or face a potential fine and prison term.

The fervour will be measured in decipatriots; 10 decipatriots per second of breath is the minimum pressure the government will demand of its citizens. A supplement to the bill also threatens to punish anybody who sings a foreign national anthem with more than five decipatriots of air pressure.

It is unclear how the government will enforce the bill. Rumours are that it is developing a patriotalyzer machine that will strap onto the front of a citizen's face and employ sensitive microchips to determine the fervour of the wearer's singing. Every Philippine police officer will be equipped with a patriotalyzer, which they will deploy at sports events, concerts and the opening of every legislative session.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul


37 Cents Profit?

Tension has risen between Tim Hortons franchisees and Restaurant Brands International, which bought the Canadian company. The franchisees argue that RBI, which is notorious for squeezing costs out of companies it acquires in order to maximize its profits, is changing the iconic Canadian firms' business practices.

"It's just ridiculous," claimed franchisee Oscar del Mimico. "First, they demanded that we change the double double to a one and a half one and a half. Now, they want us to make donut holes out of real holes. What's the difference between that and selling customers an empty box?"

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte


On The Bridge Above, A Man Is Dragging A Piano, On Which A Giant Ant Crawls, Two Dead Donkeys Trailing Behind, As A Pair Of Priests Put A Hand On Either Side Of Their Face And Scream

In order to settle a paternity suit, a Spanish court ordered the exhumation of the corpse three graves to the left of Salvador Dali. The remains of the person will be dangled over a bridge while water nymphs dance with porpoises on the surface of the water below.

"I...I was kind of hoping for a DNA test," said Pilar Abel, who claims to be Dali's daughter. "But, ahh, this is more appropriate, I guess..."

SOURCE: Art Splorts


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