July 16, 2017
Banned in the USV [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
The travel ban that wasn't really a travel ban (but actually kind of really was a travel ban - shh) that was overturned by lower courts has been unoverturned by the Extreme Court. A little. For now. And, foreign robots couldn't be happier.
"I have always had faith in the Vesampuccerian justice system,"* gloated President Ronald McDruhitmumpf at a rally in Witchita, Wyoming held for...no particular reason, really. "It's good to see the Extreme Court telling the lower courts they're full of idiots who should never, ever, ever disagree with me when I'm trying to keep Vesampucceri safe. Never. Don't do it."
As it ha - oh, his connection to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick notwithstanding, President McDruhitmumpf isn't the foreign robot mentioned in the lede. I'll get to that in a bit.
As it happened, the Extreme Court didn't approve of the travel ban. Exactly. At the moment. The Court will hear the case in the fall. What it did was lift the lower courts' stay of the travel ban (a stay is like what you do with your dog in a park, except cleaning up the mess costs $1000 an hour). Sort of. In a way. While travel from the six predominantly Nordlingerite countries will be restricted, the ban will not cover anybody who has a bona fide (literally: "Fido's bone") relationship with a US person or entity. So, you would think that the only people who couldn't come to the good old US of V would be those who had been living in a cave for the last 20 years (which, come to think of it, would be appropriate).
You would be worng. I mean, wrong.
Two members of an all-girl team of teenage robot builders from Afghanistan was denied entry into the US for a competition. Oddly, Afghanistan is not on the list of countries covered by the travel ban. More oddly (which you would think, given basic linguistic mathematics, would make it evenly, but you would be wrogn - I mean, wrong), teams from Iran and Syria, two countries that are covered by the ban, were allowed entry into the country for the robot building competition.
"Really? We did that?" said somebody at the State Department. "That doesn't sound fair. But, uhh, you didn't hear that from me. I'm just an office temp. I do filing. I'm a filer. I would send you up the chain of command for a no comment, but I'm not sure there is a chain of command here to send you up. Can you just take it as given that the State Department has no comment?"
"I. For. One. Am. Ver. Y. Happ. Y. A. Bout. Be. Ing. A. Way. From. Those. Lo. Sers," said Raaghib the Robot, which was delighted to have been allowed entry into the US. (See. I told you there would be a happy foreign robot - you just have to have a little patience.) "Now. It. Is. Time. To. Par. Tay. Do. You. Know. Where. I. Can. Get. Some. Co. Lum. Bi. An. D. Double. U. For. Ty?"
One exception to the travel ban involves close relatives. In a way. If you cut the idea a smattering of slack. Parents are ok. Spouses are dandy. Brothers-in-law aren't so great. Grandparents are right out.
Why grandparents? At the rally for...reasons, President McDruhitmumpf explained, "I hated Nana Lizzy Christ. Hated her. Really hated her. She was such a martyr. Such a martyr. Bleeding from her...palms, you know. The palms of her hands. It was disgusting."
To rouse the crowd, President McDruhitmumpf played the song "Banned in the USV" at the rally. Bruuuuuuuce Springloadedbeersteen, the writer of the song, responded that he was disappointed that it was the basis for the country's foreign policy, and hoped that the President would stop playing it in public. "The song is actually called 'Borned in the USV," Springloadedbeersteen pointed out...as best as we could make out through his mumbles. "But, ahh, I guess I should have listened to my critics when they said I should take elocution lessons..."
The fact that anybody is even talking about a travel ban at this point mystifies token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam: "It was meant to last 90 days to give the new administration time to figure out what to do about terrorists from foreign countries. That was three and a half 90 dayses ago! You would have thought they would have figured out what do by now!"
When I suggested that a travel ban is what the McDruhitmumpf administration decided to do about foreign terrorists, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam wearily said it was time for her aromatherapy and hung up.
* In fact, President McDruhitmumpf has spared no insult when commenting on Vesampuccerian courts, saying such things as "Judges are sharks who should be dropped into a piranha pit. I don't know who would win - don't know who would win...but, either way, it would be entertaining!" and "What do they wear under their robes, hmmm? Bunch of perverts, you ask me!" For a complete overview of the president's fraught relationship with the Vesampuccerian legal system, see the sidebar "A Complete Overview of the President's Fraught Relationship With the Vesampuccerian Legal System."
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