July 16, 2017
Cue the Meltdown [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The Dumboprats lost a special election that they had no right to think they could win. Cue the meltdown.
"We suck! We suck! We suck!" moaned Representative Tim Rypelbachblisscrap. "If the Dumbopratic brand was any more toxic, it would come in barrels with skull and crossbones stencils all over them and noxious green fumes seeping out of their improperly sealed lids!"
Candidate Jon Cumlafferossoff lost the Georgia Fifth (you'd best believe gin flowed freely in the losing party's offices) by three points. This was a remarkable showing considering that the district had been so gerrymandered by Reduhblicans that you needed a graduate degree in string theory to be able to vote there, millions of dollars from out of state had been poured into ads claiming that a Cumlafferossoff win would create a dimensional rift that would allow Cthuluian tentacles to reach out and grab control of our world, and Hillary Roocartoncleveman.
"Toxic," I tell you! "Birds flying over our brand fall from the skies, gasping for breath and begging for a breath mint! If we were any more toxic, the Environmental Pollution Agency would throw up its hands and close down because there was nothing more it could do! Toxic! Toxic! Toxic!"
Could Representative Rypelbachblisscrap's outburst have anything to do with the fact that he challenged Minority Leader Nancy Pelligrinosi for control of House Dumboprats? "Our brand is so toxic that even Cheech and Choliohnobong wouldn't smoke it!" he answered. "Although, now that you mention it, Pelligrinosi's ‘leadership' - yes, I dared the scare - probably has a lot to do with it!"
Representative Rypelbachblisscrap may have had a point: Reduhblican attack ads depicted Minority Leader Pelligrinosi as an anchor dragging Georgia down to be the bottom of the ocean. Aides to the Minority Leader pointed out that Reduhblican Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap was even less popular than she was, but admitted that if they used the anchor metaphor, they would be accused of political copycatism, so they would just let the facts speak for themselves.
For her part, Minority Leader Pelligrinosi disagreed with Rypelbachblisscrap's analysis. "You wanna piece of me, punk?" she snarled. "You aren't man enough to take me on! When I was Speaker, I stared down the dead, glassy eyes of Mitch Wichconnelliswich - I'm not scared of you!"
After a moment's reflection, she continued, "Elections are complicated, and there are many reasons why candidates win or lose. I will consult with the members of my caucus to do a thorough analysis of the conditions of the special election to determine what lessons we can learn that will help us do better in the 2018 mid-terms. Be-yotch."
Some members of the Dumboprat establishment who asked for anonymity (because they didn't want to call attention to the daggers hidden inside their togas) suggested that the reason the party lost the special election was that it had drifted too far to the left and was out of touch with the concerns of the average Vesampuccerian.
"Ah you kiddin' me?" scoffed independent Senator Bernie Macsandbinoffman, who challenged Roocartoncleveman for the Dumbopratic presidential nomination (and who, in other universes, beat Reduhblican candidate Ronald McDruhitmumpf by anywhere from 12 to 87 points). "Ah you freakin' kiddin' me? This pahty is like Punxatawney Phil - they stick theah head out with a mildly progressive policy and if they see the slightest bit of shadow, they duck back into theah centrist hole for anuthah six months!" And, they always see a shadow, even if they have to hold a copy of the New York Times up to the light to create it, Senator Macsandbinoffman added.
"This is another example of the ridiculous lengths the Dumbopratic Party will go to destroy itself," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, who had to return to the hospital with a case of aggravated exasperation. "They hadn't held this seat since T-Rexes stalked Green Party members! And, I'm not talking about Michael Chrihavochaton novels, either! In the last election, they lost this seat by 24 points! Any other party would have been thrilled to have made the race so close! But, noooooo! The Dumboprat's big tent includes a lot of big egos and even bigger mouths!"
So, umm, you think that the problem is that the party is undisciplined?
"I've seen five year-olds on a playground that have more discipline!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam stated, grimacing as she gently rubbed the forehead she had pounded mere seconds before. "Anybody got an Advil?"
Like angelic/demonic icons sitting on either shoulder of somebody with a life-defining decision to make, President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush shook his head sadly while President McDruhitmumpf grinned madly.