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Chapter 25
July 16, 2017

The Daily Me - Mel Waring

Thank you, Mel Waring, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we saw the photo of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin wearing very feline --> ingesting --> avian grins. Honestly! If they had manspread any further, they would have had to detach their legs and have aides take them to opposite sides of Germany! And, for what? Their conversation undoubtedly focused on whether beer was a better alcoholic beverage than vodka and how to pick up wicked hot chicks. The fate of the world rests in the hands of a pair of psychopathic frat boys!

The Daily Me Staff

Too Bad For Them Justice Isn't A Popularity Contest

Most 15 year-old boys fantasize about what their lives would be like if they were superheroes, and have wet dreams they would be embarrassed to admit to themselves, let alone family members. They tend not to be injured on battlefields and taken to black ops prisons where they are tortured for almost a decade. But, that's what happened to Omar Khadr. Sensing that it may have done something it should feel vaguely guilty about, the Canadian government offered Khadr $10.5 million to assuage its feelings of culpability in the matter.

Seven out of 10 Canadians opposed the deal. Well, there's good news and there's bad news for them. The good news is that the Liberal government is very sensitive to public opinion, and withdrew the offered settlement. The bad news is that the Supreme Court is not sensitive to public opinion, and awarded Khadr $21 million for Canada"s role in his illegal incarceration and torture.

Be careful what you wish for never tasted so bittersweet.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle


O Say Can You ICBM...

North Korea has issued two stamps that feature anti-American themes. Have you heard of this? One features a fist smashing a missile while an American flag shatters. The other is even more subtle. The Pentagon issued a press release condemning the stamps - I guess they're afraid that if Kim Jong Un is not able to perfect an ICBM, he'll mail a warhead to a major American city!



The Choice Is Almost...Biblical

Over the last couple of decades, the Republicans have made it increasingly difficult for their members in Congress to follow the party line with a straight face. Case in point: health care. Every member has to weigh the consequences of their vote very carefully, using the time-honoured political calculus: which decision will cause me to lose the fewest number of votes in the next election?

I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


Reality, Damn Reality And Statistics

Black people with no history of criminal convictions have been three times more likely to be arrested by Toronto police for possession of small amounts of marijuana than white people with a similar background. They've also been more likely to be detained for bail.

"I'm shocked, totally, utterly surprised and shocked, I tell you, by these numbers," said Mayor John Tory. "We obviously -"

"This is news?" asked stock broker Tarique Lalique. "Damn, I coulda told you that, saved you the expense of doin' yo' damn survey!"

"Musta been a slow news day," said retired dock worker Shania Shaniqua. "You think if the police had been carding white kids, these here stastics would be what they is?"

"Yeah, okay, I get your point," Mayor Tory backtracked. "Maybe I was overdoing it a little with the incredulity back there. Still, the numbers are pretty shocking..."



Perhaps She Meant "There's No Quick POLITICAL Fix..."

In response to a report from the Global Young Academy that Canada should spend $459 million to return basic research to 2005 levels, Science Minister Kirsty Duncan said that there was "no quick fix" to the problem.

Actually, there is a very quick fix to the problem: add $459 million to basic damn research!

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler


Reality Is Fake News

2001, A Space Idiotocracy) According to recently released emails, Donald Trump, Jr. said that "If it's what you say I love it." What was he referring to? a) the McRib (he's a little behind the cultural curve)
b) the final season of Game of Thrones (he's catching up)
c) treason

2002 idiotocracy, and beyond!) According to the White House, President Trump's first state visit to London will not happen in 2017 because of a "scheduling issue." What scheduling issue, exactly? a) the Queen wasn't available to meet with him, but Jeremy Corbyn was
b) the conflict between Theresa May's need for conservative cred and the British public's need to not have anything to do with a democratic demagogue
c) the conflict between Trump's overwhelming need for public approval and reality

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles


So, Torturing Children Is Now Conservative Party Policy?

"Disgusting." - Andrew Scheer on the Liberal government's $10.5 million settlement with Omar Khadr

"Reprehensible." - former Stephen Harper adviser Jenni Byrne on the Liberal government's $10.5 million settlement with Omar Khadr

"Absolutely wrong." - Tony Clement on the Liberal government's $10.5 million settlement with Omar Khadr

"Odious." - Jason Kenney on the Liberal government's $10.5 million settlement with Omar Khadr

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes


Christie Responded: "If You Feel That Way, Why Don't You Take A Long Walk Off A Short - Dammit, That Doesn't Work, Either!"

In response to complaints that he and his family had spent a glorious summer afternoon on a beach that his government had closed to the public due to budget problems, New Jersey governor Chris Christie said, "Anybody who doesn"t like it can go jump in the lake!" To which the people of New Jersey replied, "We'd love to, but you won't let us on the beach to get near the lake!"

SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)


Looks Like Somebody's Been DUPed

What Theresa May's Conservative Party and Northern Ireland's Democratic Unionist Party have in common:

Has to govern the entire United Kingdom
Believes in a woman's right to abortion
Opposes same sex marriage
Believes in white supremacy
Accepts the science behind climate change
Believes in holding on to power for dear life

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


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