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Chapter 26
July 23, 2017

Ronald McDruhitmumpf's Greatest Tweeps [ARNS]

SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE

President Ronald McDruhitmumpf plays Twitherd like Monica Selestenniel plays tennis or "Weird" Al Yankahohovich plays accordion. To give you some idea of - like a pro at their profession, we mean, not like somebody who enjoys wielding lethal blunt instruments, however emotionally satisfying such an interpretation would be - so, to give you an idea of just how well the President plays social media, the Alternate Reality News Service looks back at some of his greatest hits.

@realronaldmcd Robert Pattondabackkeson should not take back Kristen Stewinyerjuices. She cheated on him like a dog - & you know what kind! #heartspecialist

@realronaldmcd Bushbamclintreagbush not real President! He's a kenyan hologram!! #showusyourtechnicalspecs #vesampuccerideserves2know

@realronaldmcd @katyperriwinkley Russell Branvanonethousand a total loser! Yer better off without him! If you need a date Friday... #heartspecialistisback

@realronaldmcd Wind turbines cause sheep to spontaneously explode, killing tourism.Scotland must stop the madness! #stopscottishmadness

@realronaldmcd opponent ted downandmotleycrewz has smallest nose in history of probosces - and you know what they say! #howdidhehavekids

@realronaldmcd lying media won't distract me from Making Vesampucceri Grate Again agenda by sneakily quoting things I said! #ignoretheirdirtytricks

@realronaldmcd cheating cheaters of cheaterdom going to steel election from hard working Vesampuccerians. #votersuppressionkeepsemhonest

@realronaldmcd tax returns? youwanna see em? I'll show you my tax returns - all of them - and there huge - as soon as I win #busywithimportantstuffhere

@realronaldmcd Crooked Hilary once killed an endangered elephant with her bare teeth! #hardtobelievebuttrue

@realronaldmcd Crooked Hilary cheated on her grade four English test - how can anybody trust her? #badbadbad #badtothebone

@realronaldmcd Crooked Hilary had her grade four teacher Mister Smitherjonasman killed to keep cheating secret!!! #bornevil

@realronaldmcd great great win for democracy! The greatest!!! Now, to dismantle Bushbamclintreagbushcare! #makevesampuccerigr8again

@realronaldmcd crowd at inauguration stretched all the way to Mexico, could be seen from the moon #suckitBushbamclintreagbushlovers

@realronaldmcd Qatar blows my mind - such a great ally in war on terrism! #bffs

@realronaldmcd i won. Nobody cares about my tax returns now - gotta get to work making Vesampucceri grate again! #getoveritlosers

@realronaldmcd Canada wall will be a beauty - I already have Jared working on the design, Ted Nugutsnueglorgent writing theme song!

@realronaldmcd Dumboprats need to get with programme and support dismantling of their signature legislation! #whowon #eh #whowontehelection

@realronaldmcd London Mayor endorses Nordlingerites cutting off people's heads after terror attack. #themsfightincivilizationsdude #tsk

@realronaldmcd comeonecomally better hope theirs no duct tape in Oval Office - bet that would shut him up! #ducttapesolveseveryproblem

@realronaldmcd house repeal and eat shrimp healthcare bill meanspirited. 24 million lose insurance? #tsk #notwhaticampaignedon

@realronaldmcd Travel ban a BAN! BAN! BAN! BAN! BAN! A BAN! Not not a BAN! #getitright

@realronaldmcd THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SIZE OF MY HANDS! MOST NORMAL HANDS OF ANYBODY IN WORLD! #getalife

@realronaldmcd Travel ban not targeting Nordlingerites, just bad people who happen to believe in that religion. #fakenews

@realronaldmcd Mika Brazinsk - Brrrrrzapla - Brrappblapp - oh, you know the onw I'm talking about! The #cnnfakenews host of #thatfakemorningshow she came

@realronaldmcd compassionate senate repeal and eat shrimp healthcare bill needs 2 pass. Only 22 million to lose health insurance! #iseeawinhere

@realronaldmcd crap! Ran out of characters - damn stupid name! She came to Mara-Lara-Dingdong bleeding from - eww! #grossmeout

@realronaldmcd fake investigation into fenwick newsorganizations... am I mixing up my memes here? #ohyouknowwhatimean

@realronaldmcd maybe repeal now and eat shrimp at a later date? #tryingtomakethisstupidthingwork #healthcarereformishard #stupidhard

@realronaldmcd special prosecutor was once at a dinner with disgraced Comeonecomally...BIAS BIAS BIAS! #isthisademocracyorwhat

@realronaldmcd Qatar Wtf?! U support terorism? u're cut off! #syriasmynewbff

@realronaldmcd Mike Flyinnthuointmeant great guy. GREAT GUY! I stand by him 1000%! #4yearjailtermnotright

@realronaldmcd I am thinking about changing the name #FakeNews ARNS to #FraudNewsARNS! I can do stuff like that - Im president & they're not!

@realronaldmcd Texas refuses to give information to the very distinguished VOTER FRAUD PANEL? Really? Texas? I...I thought you loved me! #bloomoffrose

@realronaldmcd don't believe #FakeNews about cuts to VA! We will always take care of our GREAT VETERANS. #bloodofpatriots

@realronaldmcd Amazing how haters & losers keep tweeting the name "F**kface Von Clownstick" like they are so original & like no one else is doing it...

@realronaldmcd My use of social media is not Presidential - it's EXISTENTIAL RESIDENTIAL. Make America Grate Again! #getitrightlosers

@realronaldmcd tnx to Montana and Wyatt of Batshit Crazy Elementary School 4 sticking up for what they believe in - ME!!! #getemwhiletheyreyoung

@realronaldmcd #fakenews outlets may attack me, but they hang on my every tweet so theyll never ignore me! Never never never!!!!! ##realpwnage

@realronaldmcd smashing #FARNS into mat wasn't insiting violence against journalists - it was good exercise! #hahaha

@realronaldmcd #gotcha

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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +