July 23, 2017
The Daily Me - Auggie Pusillanimous
Thank you, Auggie Pusillanimous, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, George Romero, director of the Night of the Living Dead movies, died. If he returned (because you know he, of all people, has to) as he had lived most of his life, as the director of very effective horror movies, we would cheer. If, however, he returned as he was at the beginning of his career, working on the set of Mister Roger's Neighbourhood, we would be afraid. We would be very afraid.
The Daily Me Staff
If The Shirt Was Made In Hawaii, It Might Be A loss Canadians Could Live With
The United States has delivered its list of demands for renegotiating the North American Free Trade Agreement to Canada and Mexico. Stripped of their legal language, these are the demands:
1. Give us whatever we want.
2. We'll pay you whatever we want whenever we feel like it.
"This is just a preliminary bargaining position," Prime Minister Justin Trudeau brightly enthused. "I look forward to losing my shirt with our biggest trading partner!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
Drip, Drip Drip - That Describes The Trump Men To A T
Donald Trump, Jr.,'s account of his involvement with the Russian interference in the 2016 American Presidential election has evolved over time. In case you are unclear as to how, or where it will likely end up, we offer this handy checklist:
Donald Trump, Jr. had no involvement with the Russian interference with the 2016 American election.
Donald Trump, Jr. met in Trump Towers with a private Russian lawyer, but all they talked about were orphans.
The Russian lawyer who met with Donald Trump, Jr. in Trump Towers was connected to the government of Vladimir Putin, but, really, all they talked about was orphans.
The meeting between the Russian lawyer with Putin ties and Donald Trump, Jr. in Trump Towers was supposed to be about the Russian government giving the Trump campaign damaging information on rival Hillary Clinton, but all the Russian lawyer wanted to talk about was those damn orphans.
The subject of the meeting between the Russian lawyer with Putin ties and Donald Trump, Jr. in Trump Towers was definitely about the Russian government giving the Trump campaign damaging information on rival Hillary Clinton.
Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort and Trump adviser/son-in-law Jared Kushner attended the meeting between the Russian lawyer with Putin ties and Donald Trump, Jr. in Trump Towers that was definitely about the Russian government giving the Trump campaign damaging information on rival Hillary Clinton.
YOU ARE HERE: At least eight people, including a Russian operative, an interpreter and the music promoter who set the deal up, attended the meeting where Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, a lawyer with ties to Putin and Dona;d Trump, Jr.
27 people attended a meeting in Trump Towers about the Russian government giving the Trump campaign damaging information on rival Hillary Clinton, forcing them to use two rooms and part of a hallway.
137 people attended a meeting in trump Towers about the Russian government giving the Trump campaign damaging information on rival Hillary Clinton, forcing them to use an entire floor and air the main meeting on closed circuit TV.
10,137 people attended a meeting about the Russian government giving the Trump campaign damaging information on rival Hillary Clinton, forcing them to rent out a stadium; the main proceedings were projected onto the stadium's Jumbotron.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
In The Rush To Embrace Islamophobia, Let Us Not Forget A Reliable Standby Like Misogyny
The 13th Doctor is a woman? The 13th Doctor is a woman! That's outrageous! Only a man can fly a blue police box thingie! Do I have a problem with change? Damn straight I have a problem with change. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! So, okay, sure, the Doctor has changed 12 times before, but he always stayed the same, if you see what I mean. This is male genocide, baby! Male freaking genocide! Did you know that 90 per cent of science fiction television series with women in lead roles have lead roles played by women? Well played, SJWs. Well played.
Well, okay, sure, I've never actually watched Dr. Who. What do you think I am - some kind of nerd or something? Screw you! But, just because I'm ignorant doesn't mean I can't have an opinion, and my opinion is that only men should play alien Time Masters!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
We Have Enough Needed Fear Already, Thank You Very Much
"Don't spread needless fear"
- Toronto Star
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Did You Keep The Receipt?
The collapse of the Republican effort to repeal the Affordable Care Act has left some people with buyer's remorse.
"I paid a lot of cash for this political party," complained David Koch (or, possibly, his brother Frankenstein - it's not always easy to tell them apart). "It wasn't charity - I expect value for my money! If the tax refund function of my product is as defective as the health care reform function, I will be demanding my money back!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Of Course, If They Lived Somewhere Else, That Would Solve Half The Problem...
Residents of Saint-Apollinaire, Quebec (of course) have rejected a proposal for a Muslim-run cemetery.
When it was pointed out that a possible consequence of this referendum vote was that Muslims would have to find a way to live forever, obviating the need for finding a place to be buried after they die, resident Monique Fabergere said, "Oh. I hadn't thought of that. I thought they would just have to, you know, die and be buried somewhere else. Is it...too late to recast my vote?"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
Gives New Meaning To The Phrase Brown-noser!
The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning that people with colds should avoid snorting chocolate.
"The substance will interact with the mucous in the nasal passage to produce gooey chocolate slime," explained Doctor Chandrikar Modigliano, chief FDA goologist. "Yes, that is the technical term, gooey chocolate slime. Our concern is that a nose full of gooey chocolate slime is a potential breathing hazard. Anybody who fears they may have this condition should get themselves to a Purdey's stat!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be,
What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys
, Luna for the Lunies!
, The Street Finds its Own Uses for Mutant Technologies
and The Alternate Reality News Service's Guide to Love, Sex and Robots
in the Archive Section
, as well as a new Alternate Reality News story every week in the New Section
. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes
I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes
. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.
Would you be interested in immortality?
The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about
technology and anything except
love and sex. It's a thing with him. Don't ask. ARNS is now soliciting questions for these advice columns from readers. That means you! If, after reading any of the columns, you are inspired to write a question of your own, please submit it to email@example.com
! (Without the exclamation mark, because that would just be rude.) If your question is selected, your name and a link to your Web site will be posted on this Web site, which, at almost 14 years old, may not exactly be immortal, but is pretty darned long-lived. So, okay, maybe we oversold it a bit. But, what the heck? Have fun with it. We look forward to reading your questions!