July 30, 2017
No Alvagutiez, No Glory [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's fondest wish that somebody rid him of this meddlesome prosecutor (historians may grumble about the paraphrasing, but thanks to the Vesampuccerian education system, 87% of citizens believe the quote to be verbatim, so suck on it some historians!) is about to come to pass. It is, however, uncertain whether acting Attorney General Florinda Alvagutiez understands what the President is demanding of her.
"Aiiieee, why are chou talking to me about a constitutional crisis?" acting Attorney General Alvagutiez screeched. (If we were in her position, we would not have been so restrained.) "I have 17 offices to clean before my shift ends!"
If you get the sense that the acting Attorney General was, until recently, a member of the Department of Injustice's janitorial staff, you're halfway to becoming Spiderman. (For the other half - getting bitten by a radioactive arachnid - you're on your own.)
It should have been an easy call: the President tells the Attorney General to fire a Special Prosecutor, the Attorney General agonizes over the moral implications of what he is being asked to do and, 37 seconds later, pfft, presto, a position for an ambitious (but not too ambitious) lawyer opens up in the administration. Unfortunately, Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic had unexplained meetings with people from the Duchy of Grand Fenwick that he forgot to declare on his I Is a Good Guy so Give Me Securitee Cleerance form, so he had to recuse himself from the case. Sort of. Maybe. Once his meeting with the Fenwickians was made public. Then, Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew was named as a potential witness in the investigation of the firing of FBI Director James Comeonecomally (stranger things have happened - it's only Monday morning, after all), so he had to recuse himself. In all, 1,237 people in the DoI have had to pass the position by, although not all because of recusal: 27 turned it down outright and 12 had heart attacks at the thought of having to say no to the President.
So, Florinda Alvagutiez it is.
"No, no, no, no, no," protested (in the civilized sense, not in the carrying illiterate placards, chanting off key and having sex in the bushes sense) famed VCLU lawyer Alan Greenurpassterspanz. "This is ridiculous! What does a janitorperson know about the collegial fraternity of the law community Does she know which judges she can sweet talk to get a better deal for her client? Does she appreciate how picking up the tab at a chichi restaurant can help sway contract negotiations in her favour? The President will order her to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Meulldiswanovah and replace him with a sock puppet named Pepito Bandito, and she has no peer network to call on for advice!"
"Aaaiiieee!" acting Attorney general Alvagutiez responded. "I have cleaned up toilets all my life! Chou think I don't know how to clean up corruption in Washburningdington? Chou don't know me at all, do chou?"
As a matter of fact -
"Oh, and Pepito Bandito?" she continued. "Could chou have been any more racist, Mister hot shot New York attorney?"
Greenurpassterspanz seemed hurt by the accusation. "Pepito Bandito was a beloved cartoon character when I was growing up - he can't be racist!"
Acting Attorney General Alvagutiez rolled her eyes - I got the impression she had had a lot of practice at it - and muttered something in Spanish.
Ahem. So. getting back to the point: as a matter of fact, nobody knows the acting Attorney General at all. "Not so," President McDruhitmumpf twerped. "Flora...Linda...whoever is teh most qualified AG in a world full of Ags!"
Asked to elaborate on the President's position, Press Secretary Sean "Yes, I Really Do Still Hold This Position, Don't Look So Surprised" Spirochetericer stated: "Ms. Alvagutiez comes with several glowing recommendations from...umm...the A-1 Temp Agency. But, ahh, A-1 is one of the top 10...okay, maybe 20...temp agencies in the country, so that means - stop your snickering in the back row, you cynical bastards! - that means a lot!"
Acting Attorney General Alvagutiez has not indicated whether or not she will comply with the President's desire to have the Special Prosecutor fired. "Sometimes," she mused, "a drain can be unclogged. Sometimes, a drain needs to be replaced."
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
Too much? Well, update you - this is important!
Calls have been getting louder for Florinda Alvagutiez to resign from her position as acting Attorney General after it was revealed that her husband, Sergey Leontidansoff, is a citizen of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
"Fenwickian connections don't get much...Fenwicker than that!" crowed Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer. With all of the gravitas that the position demands, of course.
President McDruhitmumpf's quest continues.
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