July 30, 2017
Achy Breaking News [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
It was a slow news day, but I had a deadline, so this.
Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr., son of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, met with independent (wink, wink - am I doing that with the correct eye?) Fenwickian lawyer Natalia Vesselwithpestle during the election campaign; the meeting took place a week before the Hillary Roocartoncleveman campaign's hacked emails were released on Wiwileaks. Whatever could they have talked about?
"Orphans," Junior claimed. "You know - brats that have no parents? Apparently, Fenwick has a lot more of them than we do, and they were hoping that we would take them off their hands. Vesampuccerians can be compassionate about shit like that."
To determine just how compassionate Vesampuccerians can be about shit like that, I asked - BREAKING NEWS: an email exchange between McDruhitmumpf Junior and Rob Bloodfromagoldstone, the circus entrepreneur who helped President McDruhitmumpf bring the Miss Multiverse Pageant to Moscow and set up the meeting between McDruhitmumpf Junior and independent (do we have to draw you a map, here?) Fenwickian lawyer Vesselwithpestle makes clear that the purpose of the meeting was for representatives of the McDruhitmumpf campaign to be given dirt on the Roocartoncleveman campaign. Bloodfromagoldstone told McDruhitmumpf, Jr. that Vesselwithpestle had obtained emails that had been hacked off of the Dumbopratic National Congress' servers, emails that could be damaging to Roocartoncleveman's presidential aspirations.
"Well, yeah, sure, I was hoping to get dirt on Roocartoncleveman," McDruhitmumpf, Jr. allowed. "But, I left the meeting after 10 minutes - 20 minutes, tops. All that Fenwickian bitch wanted to talk to me about was orphans!"
"Collusion, schmollusion!" scoffed McDruhitmumpf administration spokesblond KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest. "There was absotively, posilutely no coordinated effort between the McDruhitmumpf campaign and the Fenwick government to interfere in the 2016 Vesampuccerian elections!"
Given the consistent denials from the Grey House, the only reasonable conclusion would be that there is merit to - BREAKING NEWS: the full exchange between McDruhitmumpf, Jr. and Bloodfromagoldstone about putting the meeting together shows that McDruhitmumpf, Jr. knew full well that the hacked emails had come from the Fenwick government; his response was, "Hot diggity giggities, how can I get me some of that?"
Can a paragraph in the middle of an article be considered a lede? Because, honestly, this article stopped being boring a couple of paragraphs ago. Screw it! I'll leave the the philosophical discussion to the eggheads who spend their lives caring about the meaning of the word "the." All I know is:
If the gun had been smoking any more, Washburningdington would be on permanent smog alert warning!
On the advice of his lawyers, McDruhitmumpf, Jr. declined to comment. His lawyer, on the other hand, released a lengthy letter about the plight of Fenwickian orphans, whom he claimed were the real victims here, whose plight should not be forgotten by the generous Vesampuccerian people in the rush to political judgment.
Not missing a beat, Conwaytwittiest sniffed, "What's so bad about collusion, anyway? It comes from the Greek words 'collandrium' and 'diffusior,' which liberally - ugh! Sorry, I meant to say...generously - translated, means 'share the pasta.' And, honestly, who doesn't like spaghetti with a good tomato sauce for dinner with friends? I'm sure orphans love it! And, anyway, there's no law against collusion, so why are people making such a big fuss over what happened?"
If collusion is so benign (as a natter of fact, I never serve pasta when my friends come over - the slurping gets on my nerves), why did Conwaytwittiest deny that it had taken place when she was first asked about it? "I never said it didn't happen," she answered. "If you're under the impression that I did, blame your own bad reporting!"
Yeah, but, I - uhh - what?
McDruhitmumpf, Jr. was so excited by the possibility of getting dirt on Roocartoncleveman that he invited two of his besties to the meeting with the Fenwickian lawyer: McDruhitmumpf campaign manager Paul Bildapillofort and official brother-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush. Bildapillofort's lawyer's response to the news was succinct: "Orphans!" Kushkushinthebush's legal team's response was more thoughtful: "Yeah. Orphans. Definitely orphans."
You'd think the lawyers charge by the word.
"The stupid!" shouted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "It burns! It burns!" Then, she collapsed onto the floor, unconscious.
President McDruhitmumpf claimed that he had never heard of McDruhitmumpf, Jr. and had no idea who he was. "McDruhitmumpf? McDruhitmumpf? Sorry - but the name's not ringing any bells. I knew a McDruhmitumpf once, but she died a long time ago."
When it was pointed out to the President that he was talking about his son, he frowned (which, for him, passed for deep thought) and demurred, "My son? I don't think so. I have it on good authority that Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr. is an orphan!"
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