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Chapter 27
July 30, 2017

The Daily Me - Marsh U. Frida

Thank you, Marsh U. Frida, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Universal Canada made a major faux pas (which we pronounce folks paz because we're impishly contrary that way) when it released an album to celebrate Canada's 150th birthday that did not include a single French song. Oops. We're sure such songs as "The Poutine Forever," "How Do I Hate Canada? Let Me Count the Ways" and the rousing "Canada - Die! Die! Die!" would have helped get the country into a celebratory spirit.

Sure, we're sure.

The Daily Me Staff

A Piece Of Candy? How Times Have Changed! President Dubya Couldn't Be Distracted For Less Than A Beer And A Cuban Cigar!

According to Canada's ambassador to the United States David MacNaughton, Canada must allow President Donald Trump to "declare victory" on the renegotiation of the North American Free Trade Agreement.

"Why does everybody treat me like I'm six years old?" Trump angrily responded. "First, my family gives me candy whenever they want me to follow their policy advice, now it's Canada! I'm an adult, you know! I don't deserve to be treated like this! It's not fair! Not fair! Not fair! Not fair! Waaaaaaaah!"

"Okay, okay," Ambassador MacNaughton backtracked. "We need to vigourously pursue our interests in the toughest way we can! These negotiations will be hard fought - the most difficult negotiations the US has ever engaged in! And, when we cave in to American demands, the US will know it has earned what it has won!"

"Really?" President Trump sniffed, wiping the snot from his nose with his sleeve.

"Really," Ambassador MacNaughton replied. But, under his breath, he whispered to the press, "Allow him his victory."

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer


He Was Versatile That Way

Actor John Heard has died at the age of 72. He is best known for playing a corrupt police officer in the Home Alone movies and a forgetful father in the TV series The Sopranos.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us


Protocol Of The Wild

Canadian Governor-General David Johnston committed a breach of protocol when he touched the arm of the Queen to help her walk down a flight of carpeted stairs.

"It was a terrible, terrible breach for which he should be punished to the fullest extent of the protocol!" exclaimed British historian Erwin von Pollenta. "In 1998, American President Clinton allowed the Queen to tumble down a half dozen steps in the White House - he knew how to show proper respect for a foreign dignitary! Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien allowed the Queen to fall down 127 stairs on a tour of the CN Tower - although she stopped on her own, she spent six weeks in the hospital as a result. He was a world leader who really understood the sanctity of the Queen's person!"

SOURCE: The Smarmian


She's The Only One On The Planet

Sean Spicer has quit as President Trump's Press Secretary.

When she heard the news, Melissa McCarthy was devastated.

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now


The Butterfly Flew In From China Especially For The Event

Media Baron Rupert Murdoch has warned that any delay in allowing 21st Century Fox to buy Sky PLC would slow investment and signal to other companies that Britain was not "open for business' as it leaves the European Union.

"Some may see this pronouncement as self-serving..." Murdoch started to say before being distracted by a butterfly that had somehow evaded security and invaded his boardroom and trailing off.

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore


Company Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Tardiness And Broken Contracts Part Of Canada 150 Celebrations

"They will be delivered on time."

"They will be delivered on time."

"They will be delivered on time."

"They will be delivered...at some time..."

Bombardier has admitted that it will not be able to deliver 70 streetcars to the TTC by the end of the year, as it had been contracted to do.

"Well," said Mayor John Tory, "at least they're consistent..."



One Of Us Is Unclear On The Concept Of Transparency, Tony, And I'm Pretty Sure It's Not Me

"Full transparency: I'm deleting old tweets" - Trump Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci

SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site


"Floods? Famines? Plagues?" He Went On To Say. "Why Should I Bother With Them When You're Doing Just Fine Destroying Yourselves Without Me?"

Three Palestinians and three Israelis were killed in the midst of a dispute over Israel installing metal detectors in a shrine.

"Those are my boys!" Yaweh grinned.

SOURCE: The Arad Post


Fewer Hysterical Letters From Management?
That Would Be Worth My Union Dues Right There!

"Unions are opportunistically trying to grow their businesses by targeting West-Jetters... Money that goes toward union bureaucracy and, in part, to organizing efforts at other companies! They get nearly $17 million of your money, or $425 million of your money over a 25-year career. What do you get? That's the question we urge you to ask yourselves. Isn't it better to get a cheque than a bill?" - letter from West-Jet CEO to the company's 12,000 employees

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes


He's Smarter Than The Average Fish And Wildlife Service Worker Can Bear

A new study has shown that there were only 73 attacks by polar bears between 1870 and 2014, and that a majority of the attacks were by bears that were starving.

"Climate change has seriously curtailed the availability of pic-a-nic baskets in the environment," explained Jim Wilder, a researcher with the US Fish and Wildlife Service and co-author of the study. "Obviously, the more human beings encroach on the polar bear's habitat, the worse this situation will become."

Wilder suggested a Pic-a-Nic Basket for Polar Bears Programme to keep the species alive and away from human beings.

SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal


Money, Cash Money

Daniel Craig has confirmed that he will be playing James Bond for the fifth time, despite saying that he would rather slash his wrists than return to the part.

After all, these days bandages on wrists can be removed by any 12 year-old with a basic CGI programme...

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database


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