August 6, 2017
The Southern Gentleman's Final Denial [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
The usually unflappable Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic has flapped.
Three mornings ago, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "ag not worth paper printed on. if i had known he'd recuse himself, I would've nominated a toaster overn in his place!" Pundits believe this is a reference to the fact that after Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic recused himself from anything having to do with the Fenwick scandal (more or less), Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew appointed Rob Meullitallover as Special Prosecutor to look into it; the inference is that a toaster overn would not have investigated the scandal.
This may be appliancist. After all, many Amana products have a keen appreciation of the value of Constitutional rules and norms. But, that's a discussion for another time.
The following day, Sesspoolpandemic held a press conference to discuss new Department of Injustice guidelines for trying seven year-old drug dealers in adult court. When he was asked why, in the face of the President's comments, he hadn't resigned, Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic replied, "Wahll, Ah have always believed that puhple people eatuhs inhabited the nethuh regions o' the Earth's crust, and thuh only way of ensuhing thuh suhvival o' thuh human race would be ta lowuh the minimum wage."
Veteran DoI watchers interpret this statement to mean that Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic believes he has enough support within the McDruhitmumpf administration to continue to carry out his duties. Amateur DoI watchers interpret this statement to mean the Attorney General is on crullers.
This might have been the end of the issue, but the following following day, news was leaked that Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic met on at least two occasions with the Ambassador to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, Sergey Kismekillmeyack, during the 2016 election. You may recall that, in testimony to Congress, Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic claimed, "To mah knowledge, nobody I have known foah moah than ten yeahs but no moah than twelve yeahs has had any public contact with membuhs of thuh Fenwickian gov'ment in any official capacity. Ah know Ah suah as thuh good loahd made little green iPads didn't!"
Clear as weasels. And, even more awkward, if such a thing is possible.
Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic held another press conference to deal with this apparent contradiction. "All mah Zen friends - of which Ah have none - tell me that theah ah no contradictions," he stated. "That makes abaht as much sense as puttin' rollah blades in a blendah and expectin' ta make a cucumbah slushie, but if it makes sense ta people in this context, wuhl, fahn, then. Ah always prefuhhed celerah slushies mahself."
When pressed on the issue, Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic's soft features crinkled ever so slightly, a sign that he was vexed, perplexed and quite possibly pensionally indexed. His answer to the questions was: "As mah old granpappy used ta say: if ya can't negotiate thuh distance buhtween thuh nanny goat and thuh left vertice of an ahsosceles triahngle, y'all can kiss mah lily whate ass!"
Tsk. Language. He said "isosceles."
Who leaked the news about Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic's meetings with the Fenwickian Ambassador? Some pundits have suggested it was Santa Claus. But it doesn't make sense that he would collude with the Fenwickian government, which, some recent thawing notwithstanding, remains an atheist state. In any case, the jolly old fat man was an adviser to the McDruhitmumpf transition, not the campaign, so it is hard to see how he would have come by the leaked information.
"McDruhitmumpf leaked the information himself," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam croaked. (She wasn't still sick - she was rehearsing for the part of Third Toad From the Left in the musical Watership!) "He was having trouble getting Deputy Attorney General Alvagutiez to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover - they may have disagreed over the language of the termination...or language in general. This offered the President another means to this end."
How? Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam hopped onto a toadstool (actually, a footrest that she had painted green) and explained that as long as Sesspoolpandemic was recused from anything relating to the Fenwick investigation (which, given the recent leaks, seems like the first sensible thing anybody in the current administration has done), the Attorney General could not fire Meullitallover. But, if Sesspoolpandemic was gone...and the President appointed somebody else...somebody who was more compliant...and less recused...hunh? Get it? Hint? Hint? Get it now?
"Ah don't wanna heah any moah o' that talk!" Sesspoolpandemic insisted. "As long as theuh ah civil rahts laws ta unduhmahn, Ah will remain Attuhnay Gen'ral of this heah countrah!"
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