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Chapter 28
August 6, 2017

Ask Amritsar About How The Best Defense is Being Offensive [ARNS]

Dear Amritsar,

I'm the greatest ferking lawyer who ever lived. I am certainly the greatest ferking lawyer who worked for the President, including the lawyers who WERE Presidents! But, just because I'm perfect doesn't mean I don't make mistakes.

So, when some...PUNK ferking Farcebooked me that if I couldn't get security clearance I should resign as the head of the legal team defending the President against charges that he was involved in the Fenwick scandal, I replied that if he didn't ferking back off, I would pull out his spine and play it like a xylophone. That's just Lawyering 101: Intimidation (our instructor was a big Max Fleischer fan), but somehow, the press interpreted it as uttering a threat.

As a result, not only will I NOT get my security clearance (I would have thought that being a master of intimidation would be a plus in the world of politics - apparently, House of Cards lies!), but there is a good chance that I will be forced to sit through a hearing in which I could be disbarred. Just because I didn't spend my college nights getting shit-faced at the roller rink and actually paid ferking attention in Intimidation class!

My lawyer says I should say I'm so...so...sorrowful. No, that's not right; I've never regretted a single thing I've said or done. Especially said. He wants me to say I'm so...so...sorority? If that's the case, he's a ferking moron. With gender issues. What can I say? When you're the greatest lawyer who ever ferking lived, you always have to settle for second best. My lawyer thinks I should say I'm so...so - I should apologize, okay? He wants me to ferking apologize.

Should I?

Mark Meekassowitzess

Hey, Babe,

"I'm sorry" is the third most difficult pair of words for anybody to say (after "Fenwickian altruism" and "arthroscopic antidisestablishmentarianism"). It's not the potential for an irony coma. It's not that the human jaw did not evolve to contain so many syllables in a single breath. No, it's the inability to admit that you made a mistake, stupid! (Don't feel bad: President Roocartoncleveman couldn't get it right, either.)

This is especially true for men, most of whose insecurities are constructed like a Jenga Tower 12 moves into the game; the poor babies are one admission of wrongdoing away from wooden blocks angrily scattered all over the floor of their ego. It is also especially true for lawyers, whose professional careers depend upon being able to successfully argue the inarguable. (One wonders how you have managed to maintain such a reputation, given the debacle of your handling of the McDruhitmumpf University lawsuit - your $25 million settlement debacle - but I will save an analysis of reputation management for another column!) Being a man and a lawyer, well, the cards would seem to be stacked against you doing the honourable thing.

Nonetheless, there is something to be said for an honest admission of wrong-doing. That something is being able to keep your job. So, you should consider heeding your lawyer's advice.


Dear Amritsar,

Are you kidding me? Are you ferking kidding me? I bare my heart to you, and you slice, dice and make ferking Julien fries with it?! I have ferking DESTROYED stronger men than you for less! Obviously, not me personally - I have my legal standing at the bar to consider. But, I have people on my payroll who live to squish bugs like you into paste, then sell the bug paste as a sandwich spread to upscale restaurants! Scared yet?

I know where you live, bitch! By which I mean, I don't actually know where you live, but I could find out easily enough if I wanted to. Your life being in my hands is just a Google search away! And, I have just the interns to do it! So, if you want to deal with me, have some ferking respect!

Mark Meekassowitzess

Hey, Babe,

Are you trying to intimidate me? Because, I have to tell you, I've gone toe to toe with Mama Grizzlies whose breath would melt your eyeballs, and I was the one who came out smelling like a floral bouquet. (The secret is an iron will and strategically deployed breath mints.)

I may not have any fancy degrees (my college days are somewhat fuzzy), but I wouldn't take that as licence if I were you. I was taught at the school of several failed marriages, ungrateful children and pets who died in unusual, highly creative ways. Seriously. The family is in negotiation with The Unnatural Channel for the rights to develop a reality television series about them! I was schooled in clawing my way up a professional ladder that most people advised me wasn't worth the climb.

You think you can intimidate me? Pfft! As if!


Dear Amritsar,

You don't think I can intimidate you? Lady, I once reduced the king of Latveria to a ferking quivering puddle of goo just by getting one of my aides to give him a dirty look! One of my ferking aides! Then, I used that goo to make a slushie that I sold to drunken sailors who were about to go off to sea for six months and weren't too fussy about what they slopped down their throats at the last minute!

Ferk you if you think you can't be intimidated! All that means is that the shock to your system will be all the more sweet when I ferking ferk y

Mark Meekassowitzess

Hey, Babe,

Yeah, I'm going to stop you right there. As entertaining as it is, I feel no need to let you embarrass yourself any more than you already have.

I'll see you at your disbarment hearing. You'll have no trouble recognizing me: I'll be the demure woman of a certain age in the daisy sundress sitting in the front row happily playing with her switchblade.

Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: You can't pick your enemy's nose. I know there's more to the old piece of fork wisdom than that, but I am told that this is the digital age, and people don't have time for the niceties. Like rational discussion...

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