August 6, 2017
The Daily Me - Neil Cowlick
Thank you, Neil Cowlick, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about how visitors to the Mark Twain House and Museum can now tour the author's home while playing a live-action version of the board game Clue. They may find the experience disappointing, though, since every iteration of the mystery must end in the same way: Accountant Maroon in the gift shop with the business plan.
The Daily Me Staff
THE UGLY NEWS: Canadian Taxpayers Have - No, Don't Go There, It Will Only Depress You
THE BAD NEWS: Canadian company Bombardier is participating in a project to make locomotives in Russia financed by a Kremlin-controlled bank that has been sanctioned by Canada because of the war in Ukraine. THE GOOD NEWS: Given the company's history, the project will be years behind schedule and tens of millions of dollars over budget.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Of Course, She Was Using The Term "Blah Blah Blah" In The Clinical Sense
Although You Could Be Forgiven For Thinking She Was Using It In The Vampiric Sense...
Every drug that has been produced in Canada in the last five years has promised to be a panacea that could cure every conceivable human illness. Has disease been eradicated from the country? Hardly.
"Okay, so, the Supreme Court ruled six years ago that pharmaceutical companies cannot lose their patents on drugs just because the product didn't do what we promised it would do," enthusiastically, one might even say excitedly, explained drug company lobbyist Miranda O'Foxy. "After that, we could have continued using the old method of spending years and years and years researching our drugs with government grants and double blind studies and blah blah blah. Or, we could put out a drug claiming that it does everything a drug can do and let the market figure out what, if anything, it actually deso. I gotta tell you, our accountants have been grinning like they had ODed on Viagra since the Court decision came down!"
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
Is Incompetent Evil Still Evil?
3 defections and an excuse me) After his "anorexic" health care plan was defeated (basically, John McCain set fire to the napkin on which it was written), Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell graciously blamed the Democrats for the bill being voted down (even though he controlled a majority of members in the Senate) and thanked members of his caucus for working hard on health care reform. How did Republicans work hard to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act?
a) they spent seven years holding symbolic votes and press conferences
b) McConnell convened a panel of Senate Republicans to work on a repeal and replace bill...then sidelined them to write it himself (but they continued to give press conferences on the bill's progress, and we've already established that organizing them is hard work!)
c) they spent years meeting to discuss the merits - hee hee - the merits of various alterna - * SNORT * - various alternatives to - HA! - no, sorry, I can't say it with a straight face!
4 the wealthy, of the wealthy, by the wealthy) President Trump responded to the failure by saying, "I've said all along that we should let Obamacare die." And, if you ignore all the times he said, "I'm fully behind repeal and replace!" and "Forget replace, let's just repeal the damn thing and work on a replacement later!" he was kind of sort of maybe a little correct. But, Trump is not just waiting for the Affordable Care Act to die: his administration is putting clamps on the ACA's IV (by interfering with the reinsurance market) and diluting the Act's drugs (by threatening to end an ACA subsidy that makes insurance accessible to poorer Americans). How does the government justify these actions?
a) it was a mercy killing
b) Hillary Clinton started it
c) oh! Look! Over there! The new White House Chief of Staff said a bunch of naughty words! That's muuuuuuuch more interesting than this boring old health care schemazel!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
And, If You Believe That, I Have Some Swampland In The Northwest Territories That I'd Like To Sell You
BEST CAPTAIN RENAULT MOMENT OF THE WEEK: Liberal Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland ordered a review of an investigation into Saudi Arabia's use of Canadian-made Ghurka armoured vehicles when video and photos surfaced purporting to show them being used against Saudi citizens. Said Freeland: "I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you, to discover that weapons sold to an autocratic regime would actually be used against its own people!"
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Ultraviolence: The State Of Duterte
Phillipine President Rodrigo Duterte has threatened to bomb schools in his bloody campaign against drug dealers, political radicals and people who post spoilers of telenovela storylines on social media. Critics have claimed that such actions are war crimes. Duterte has responded: war crimes, schmar schmimes! Drug dealers and people who post spoilers aren't ordinary criminals, so my critics can suck it!
"Barbaric," commented US President Donald Trump. "Absolutely barbaric. Rodrigo, if you're listening, you need to stop this talk of bomibng schools. A better way would be to financially starve the education system and introduce vouchers and charter schools. Oh, sure, it may take a little longer, but the results will be even more satisfying. Trust me, they'll be great!"
To Add Insult To Idiocy, Their Complaints Were To American Media Like...
Conservatives are complaining that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. They're just jealous that the only magazine cover any of them can get on is Humourless Bastards Monthly.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
Some Have Argued That Eating Us Up Has Been The American Plan All Along
A senior official in the Canadian government has said that it is prepared to walk away from NAFTA renegotiations if the United States insists upon removing the dispute mechanism from the trade agreement between Canada, the US and Mexico. The dispute mechanism has given Canada many deserved victories on such issues as lumber...which the United States thoroughly ignored. But, still.
The American response was: "Frisky little country, aren't you? Ooh, you're adorable. You're so adorable! Want me to scratch you behind the ears? Hunh? Would you like me to scratch you behind the ears? You're so cute I could just eat you up!"
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?