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Chapter 30
August 20, 2017

If What the Heck Do You Know? Wanted Your Opinion, It Would Have - Oh, Wait...

1) Under what circumstances is Donald Trump likely to be impeached? a) the Senate passes a bill naming him as President for Life, not realizing that it's Opposite Day in Congress
b) he fires the FBI Director because of the organization's investigation of his campaign's collus - okay, not that, obviously. He dictates a letter his son makes public claiming his meeting with Russians was about adoptions when the subject line of the email chain organizing the meeting explicitly says it is to be about Russia sharing dirt on Trump's rival, Hillary - no, that wasn't it, either. He tries to smear Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and the lawyers he has hired as partisan hacks on a witchhu - whoa...this is harder than I thought it would be! He...he...he vilifies his Attorney General, hoping to force him to quit so that Trump can appoint somebody in his place who has not recused himself from the Russia investigation, and, therefore, has the power to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mue - dammit! I'm beginning to think there really are no circumstances under which Donald Trump is likely to be impeached!
c) his public approval rating drops below 30%

2) Why does Trump's only foreign policy seem to be to cultivate better relations with Russia? a) because you haven't been paying attention - have you seen how much he loathes Europe? That counts as a foreign policy, too, you know
b) if the US and Russia have better relations, it will put an end to war.

Notice how I said that with a straight face? I've been working on it for six months - I think it's really coming along
c) I'm going to hold off on answering this question until Robert Mueller files his final report...

3) Weeks after Los Angeles officers opened fire from a helicopter to end a standoff with an armed suspect, police leaders discussed guidelines for such incidents. Assistant Police Chief Beatrice Girmala said a situation must meet a number of highly specific conditions before police consider opening fire from above. What is the most important condition? a) police officers are actually above the people they intend to open fire on (opening fire from below might result in some busted kneecaps, but that only worked on Person of Interest)
b) police officers actually have guns (because throwing pineapples at suspects is not likely to have a positive policing outcome)
c) at least one of the police officers in the helicopter fears for his life

4) How should an atheist behave at a religious funeral? a) like a frog in a pot of water
b) like a gopher in a tractor trailer on its way to Monterrey
c) like an atheist who has skipped a religious funeral to toast to the deceased in a nearby bar

5) Kelly Knight Craft has been named the US Ambassador to Canada. What is her most important qualification for the post? a) she once saw the first five minutes of Denys Arcand's The Decline of the American Empire (she thought it was a documentary about the Bill Clinton presidency); she stopped watching when she realized the characters weren't going to stop "talking funny"
b) in college, she tried eating French fries with maple syrup on a dare (she lost the dare, but won an appreciation of Canadians as being "not like us")
c) she and her husband, billionaire Joe Craft, president of coal company Alliance Resource Partners, together gave $1.3-million to Republican candidates and SuperPACs in 2016, including a $265,400 contribution from Ms. Craft to Trump Victory

6) Which country is more populous: China or India? a) China
b) India
c) this is a distinction a country wants? Really?

7) When is an "extension of military operations" not part of a "combat mission?" a) when you understand the concept of anagrams
b) when the General in command of the operation is having one of his episodes and cannot recall any military jargon (saying things like, "We need more...whatchamacallit? It's that big heavy thing. You know the one: with treads and weapons sticking out of the top? Made entirely of steel?" Tanks? "Right. Them. We need more...of the things you just mentioned.")
c) when the Prime Ministers says it isn't

8) What is the most embarrassing product that the Canada 150 logo appears on? a) maple moose tails ("The patriotic dessert that it would be better if you didn't ask about the ingredients of!")
b) CanCon-doms ("We keep loyal Canadians 12% safer!")
c) Peter Mansbridge's forehead

9) Walt Disney has announced that an animatronic version of President Donald Trump will speak at the company's Hall of Presidents attraction at Walt Disney World in Florida. What quote would best sum up the Trump presidency? a) "Iraq and Iran were very similar militarily, and they'd fight, fight, fight, and then they'd rest. They'd fight, fight, fight, and then Saddam Hussein would do the gas, and somebody else would do something else, and they'd rest."
b) "40 Wall Street actually was the second-tallest building in downtown Manhattan... And now it's the tallest."
c) "I love babies... Actually, I was only kidding. You can get that baby out of here. Don't worry, I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I'm speaking. That's OK. People don't understand. That's OK."
d) "You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything."
e) all of the above, and so many more

10) A recent poll shows that Russians believe Josef Stalin was the "most outstanding person" in world history. The Most outstanding person in world history. The most outstanding. Person. In the history. Of the world. How is such a thing possible? a) hey! His number, 34 per cent, was actually lower than the 42 per cent her received in 2012; at this rate, he should be lower than the second place finisher by 2096...of course, the second place finisher was Vladimir Putin, so not much of an improvement there
b) Jews in Russia are too powerful and need to be dealt with - Stalin would have known what to do!
c) he won the Great Patriotic War against the trees

11) Will Canada last another 150 years? a) sure, if it eats all of its vegetables and adheres to the Scandinavian seal hunter's diet...but is that an existence worth continuing?
b) not in its present form: when global climate change makes most of the rest of the planet uninhabitable, Canada will become CanAfricEuroMerica
c) it depends on how badly President Tristan Milos Trump wants Canada's oil

12) What's the matter with Republicans? a) they have too much money, which makes them think they have evolved into a completely different species of being (Homo Greedicus?) when, in fact, they are enacting ancient evolutionary traits (encapsulated by the saying: "He who dies with the most rocks wins!")
b) they eat too many carbs, which makes them slothful and affects their judgment
c) nothing! Nothing is wrong with Republicans! Why...what have you heard?

13) Canadian Conservative leaders have written for American newspapers and appeared on American television to complain about the $10.5 settlement with Omar Khadr. Why would they do this? a) you know how it is: Parliament is in recess and there isn't much to do in Ottawa, and the cops are already on to you for the last three cars you stole to joyride in, so...
b) they know right-wing American editors and spokesfluffers have no idea what they're talking about, but as long as they are bashing liberals (or, in this case, actual Liberals), the editors and spokesfluffers will look doe-eyed at them and coo sweet nothings into their word processors
c) they hope President Trump will connect them with Russian diplomats and lawyers to talk about "adopting orphans"

14) Despite bank profits approaching pre-crisis levels, representatives still want the Dodd-Frank bill limiting what banks can do overturned. Why do they want this? a) Dodd-Frank sounds like a sexual position, and as good god-fearing Christians, House Republicans are aghast that it is still law
b) everybody knows that bills are born to one mommy sponsor and one daddy sponsor: Dodd-Frank is simply unnatural!
c) bankers, who are some of the Republicans' biggest financial supporters, are nostalgic for 2008

15) What does "Gor blimey!" mean? a) Al Gore blinded me...with SCIENCE!
b) Mikhail Gorbachev was British!
c) people from England talk funny

16) Democracy is at stake in Poland. Why are we silent? a)

17) What is "gastronomic racism?" a) the kind that comes from the gut
b) the kind that believes some people are inferior because their gut flora is a different colour than ours
c) an academic way of saying "kebabaphobia," a French fear of foreign food

18) Has Daniel Lanois found what he was looking for? a) nope - still looking...
b) nope - he still hasn't found what he's looking for...
c) look: instead of wasting your time, we'll get back to you the moment Daniel Lanois has found something even approximating what he's looking for. In the meantime, wouldn't it be more interesting to know if Bono had found what he was looking for?

19) Okay. Has Bono found what he was looking for? a) oh, yeah
b) hell, yeah
c) yes, but then the band's popularity waned and he had to go looking all over again

20) Is litigation the answer to the opioid crisis? a) yes
b) no
c) are you on dru - oh. Right. Sorry

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