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Chapter 30
August 20, 2017

The Daily Me - Teri Nova

Thank you, Teri Nova, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we realized that Nazism was the original identity politics movement. Do you want to be the one to tell the marchers in Charlottesville?

The Daily Me Staff

Racists Can Never Get Away From Their True Nature

Colon cancer is on the rise for white Americans. The mortality rates for whites had been declining for decades, but it began to climb in 2004, going from 3.6 per 100,000 to 4.1 per 100,000 in 2014.

"This proves that nature is fundamentally racist," said Shreveport Ballou, spokesman for White Men Against the World. "We're considering bringing a lawsuit against nature; we think we can get a preliminary injunction against its pattern of discriminatory disease distribution. We, uhh, we're just not sure there is a venue that would give us a fair trial..."

SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders


David Foster Wallace Always Grabs The Best Titles - Bastard!

The name of Hillary Clinton's new book has been announced: What Happened. I guess Conspiratorial Clusterfuck had already been taken.

SOURCE: Unread Book News


Math Is Not His Strong Suit...
Or Immigration Policy...
Or Policy Of Any Kind, Really...

Donald Trump asked for visas for 70 foreign workers to fill out the staff his Mar-A-Lago resort recently. Soon after, he floated the idea that the United States should cut legal immigrants to the country in half. Does that mean he'll settle for 35 visas?



Ringo Is Ashamed To Be Related To Him

Kenneth Starr has advised Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller that "we do not want investigators and prosecutors out on a fishing expedition. Kenneth Starr. Remember Kenneth Starr? His investigation of President Bill Clinton started with a real estate transaction and ended years later with a dress badly in need of dry-cleaning?

Oh. That Kenneth Starr.

The Absurd Ironyometer believes that the Republican Party has outsourced production of shame to China, which has done such shoddy work on the quality of the emotion that you wouldn't recognize it any more.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page


The Talking Points Can Often Be Found In Dark Alleys Turning Tricks For Drugs

When good talking points go bad:

REPUBLICAN SENATOR: 500,000 people in the state found their insurance premiums going up under Obamacare. That -

CONSTITUENT: 150,000 people would lose their insurance altogether under your party's plan.


CONSTITUENT: Most of the people whose coverage went up could afford it. Many of the people who lose their insurance will not be able to afford medical care. This bill will be their death warrant.

REPUBLICAN SENATOR: But...but...but...

CONSTITUENT: Keeping the Affordable Care Act and improving its inadequacies is the best way to keep Americans alive.

REPUBLICAN SENATOR: But, my number is bigger!

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


Just Open The Missile Silos Wide And Say, "Venezuelaaaaah"

57) America President Donald Trump has stated that he would not rule out military action if Venezuela's political crisis turned into a civil war. What does Trump have against Venezuela? a) somebody on Fox News joked that Venezuela was a Muslim country, and Trump decided he needed a policy on that
b) when he was a kid, Venezuela killed his dog
c) you shouldn't take what the President says so seriously; he once threatened military action against a McDonalds because his Big Mac didn't have extra pickles like he had asked for!

128) What was the response of Venezuelan Foreign Minister Jorge Arreaza to Trump's statement? a) "Whuuuuuuuuuut?"
b) "You, umm, do know that there are laws against sending troops uninvited into other countries...don't you?"
c) "We've done nothing to you! What do you have against Venezuela?"

3349) What does Trump have against Vene - wait a second. Isn't this where we came in? a) yes

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles


"If The Government Is Responsible For Layoffs And Rising Prices, How Will CEOs Justify Their Annual Income?"

"The changes presented in Bill 148 will have dramatic unintended consequences that include putting close to 200,000 jobs at risk and seeing everyday consumer goods and services increase by thousands of dollars for each and every family in Ontario." - Karl Baldauf, spokesweasel for the Keep Ontario Working Coalition, condemning a bill that would raise the minimum wage

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes


Zundel Was In Denial About His Black Eye And Bruised Knuckles

Midnight. The Hades Network. Burn in Hell with George Wallace. Tonight's guest is Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel, who discusses what a great guy the Fuhrer was, how he loved his dog and etc. Then, Adolph Hitler, the host of Burn in Hell with Adolph Hitler, makes an unscheduled appearance on the show. The pair almost immediately get into a fistfight when Hitler accuses Zundel of trying to erase one of his most important successes from the historical record.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide


I Hear Oxycontin Helps...

What Republican Voters Tell Themselves to Help Them Sleep at Night

White supremacists like Neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan
Feel emboldened their hateful rhetoric to espouse
They prate on about the inferior races they are better than
And cheerfully bring violence down on whomever they can
Because they know they have a friend in the White House

The white male masses for blood have a thirst
But Hillary Clinton would have been worse

Claim the United States was founded as a Christian nation
(The Founding Fathers would roll over in the graves, but still)
Hold a "War with Islam" celebration
Jail immigrants and call it liberation
And don't stop at abortion - outlaw the pill!

From the Book of Donald American theocrats sing chapter and verse
But Hillary Clinton would have been worse

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller
Was hired to look at Trump collusion with the Reds
But his investigation is rather fuller
Of financial records he is a puller
At least until his job is cancelled by the feds

The Trump administration is living under a curse
But Hillary Clinton would have been worse

Throw tens of millions off Medicare with a wink and a lie
To pay for billions of dollars of tax cuts for the wealthy
Don't even try
The policy to justify
Just argue that it's not a human right to be healthy

On this subject, I will be terse
The effects of Robin Hood in reverse
Are perverse

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered


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