Logo: The Aardvark Was Here

Les Pages aux Folles

Home New Archives Additional Fiction Non-fiction About Store
Les Pages aux Folles
My Toronto
Cartoon Grab Bag
Bookmark and Share

Chapter 31
August 27, 2017

Ask the Tech Answer Guy About the Hot Button Issue [ARNS]

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

I have a friend who - I bet you get that all the time, but it's true. Maybe not all of the time, but a lot of the time. More of the time than you might think. Anyway, it's certainly true this of the time.

He's somebody I've known for a long time. My friend. We're very close - you could say we're practically twins! His name is...John. Just John. Millibanilli. John Millibanilli. Great guy. Real winner. And, he's a friend of mine.

John has a friend who is a politician. Best politician the country has ever seen. Great politician. Real winner. Only, he's being abandoned by people who were supposed to be on his side. His supporters. Gone. Poof. Buh-bye! Terrible people. Real losers. It's a huge betrayal - the hugest.

I mean, I'm a businessman...like my friend's friend, John. And, he - not me - him - John - the name of my friend's friend is also John - expected to have support from other businessmen. You know, in business. But, after he spoke from the heart about his feelings about neo-Nasties (who says honesty is the best policy? What a dummy! A real loser!), members of his Council on Manufacturing Consent and his Council of Economic Smart Alecs started quitting. On...him! John! So he used my signature line on both Councils: "You're fired for all of eternity!" Umm...I can be generous that way. The generousest. Letting him use my signature line like that. Without suing my friend's friend. John. Which is a thing I do. A lot.

Disbanding the Councils was better than having everybody on them quit - the lying liars of the lying media would have said there was something wrong with my...friend's friend's administration if that had happened! And, even though they only met once for a working bacon burrito breakfast, I think the LLotLM bought the idea that the Councils were disbanded because they had served their purpose. Sure. Sure, they did.

If it was just the business community, well, that would suck. But, it's not. My Generals also - and, when I say "my Generals," I mean it in the sense that the Vesampuccerian military belongs to all of us, of course - the leaders of the country's military have also abandoned my friend's friend. John. After a perfectly reasonable statement about the important role of losers in the history of our great country, each of the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff tweeped that they would not tolerate racists in their ranks! Can you believe that? The General of the Army. The Admiral of the Navy. The Oracle of the Delphi. All of them!

They must have been on drugs, you ask me.

And, I haven't even mentioned the mean things they're saying about my friend's friend - John, in case you had forgotten - in the New Yoricknuhemwell Post! I swear, the betrayals are coming so fast it's enough to make you lose faith in the goodness of humanity!

So, I was wondering: does the Macho Code of Manliness allow somebody like me to drop a - I mean, my friend John's friend John - not me, just somebody I know through somebody else - does it allow that person to drop a nuke or two on an unfriendly person like - I don't know - not Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg, obviously, but, umm...a friend of his. Can my friend's friend John drop a nuke on a friend of Kimsongfaluson's to, you know, redirect the narrative in a more winningly direction?

Sincerely,
The Ronald from Washburningdington

Yo, Ronette,

NO!

I mean - ahem - on page 27 of the Macho Code of Manliness, it clearly states: "Men, real men, the kind of men to whom this code applies and who are willing to live by its rules even though they may at time stifle the strongest impulses of those men, do not use nuclear weapons to a) settle family disputes; b) win bar bets; or, c) change narratives. Macho men change narratives by beating up family members (as long as they are bigger and fiercer and more macho) in bars (as long as they are willing to pay for all damages)."

So, no. Your "friend of a friend coincidentally also named John" should not be dropping nukes on an unstable Asian ruler. Please.

The Tech Answer Guy


Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

So, there's wiggle room there?

Sincerely,
The Ronald from Washburningdington

Yo, Ronalonadingdong,

You don't listen to other people very well, do you?

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: nuclear weapons are not toys. They should not be given to small children. I find the fact that I have to say this out loud very disturbing...

| Share this!

Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +