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Chapter 32
September 3, 2017

Ask The Biz Whiz About the Feel Good Duty [ARNS]

Shalom Biz Whiz:

Ah love mah job, really, Ah do. Mah boss is just the greatest. When Ah first took the job, he told me he would never, ever sexually harass me because Ah just wasn't good enough looking for him. Maybe it's a woman thing, but Ah truly appreciate that he was willin' ta set the boundaries of our professional relationship so clearly.

Mah job is Press Secretary. Basically, Ah go out in front of a room full of reporters and refuse to tell them anythin' they wanna hear. Ah find it very satisfying, especially the part where Ah get to make fun of the New York Asbestos Worker and Fecundity's accent - Ah think he talks kinda funny. Then, there's the guy from the Washburningdington Rinse Recycle - he takes himself so seriously! If Ah had my way, Ah would ask him if he ever had a day of fun in his life, but Ah'm not allowed, so Ah lie to him about what the boss said the day before about the Fenwick investigation. That'll learn him!


One part of the job that Ah wasn't expectin' was deliverin' the Feel Good File to the boss. The boss is a little...sensitive about certain subjects...like personal criticism. Or, bad news, which he takes as personal criticism. Or faint praise, which he also takes as criticism. Hey! He has the hardest job in the world - can you blame him for being a touch thin-skinned?

So, the party's Defense Room (which used to be known as the War Room until the Reduhblican National Congress decided that that gave the right impression) produced a 20 to 25 page document twice a day that contained nothing but good news about the boss. Positive coverage in the press, transcripts of interviews, images showing the boss not strangling a goat. He looks very Presidential, the boss does, when he's not strangling a goat. Sometimes, when the good news was thin, praise of the boss on Farcebook was reproduced in 72 point type; he seemed to like that. Found it easy to read. Not like his 375 page 10 point type Pentagon briefings.

The last person who held my job fought with the boss' Chief of Staff to determine who would be the one to deliver the Feel Good File; they musta figured deliverin' good news would get them in good with him. Well, guess what? They both been fired. Ah...Ah have no idea if there's some kinda lesson in that; drawin' lessons from other people's experience's not part of my job description.

Ah delivered the Feel Good File to the boss for the first time on Thursday. The lights were dim; his office was lit by candles. Ah thought Ah could make out the sound of the ocean in the background, which is strange because Washburningdington is a landlocked state. Incense made the room smell like wood chips, jasmine and childhood summers.

Before Ah got into the room, my boss, who stood behind his desk with his back to me, said, "Have you taken off your shoes?"

Ah looked down: several pairs of slippers had been placed inside the door. Ah was pretty sure they hadn't been there at the Cabinet meeting the day before. But, okay. Ah did as Ah was told. The boss then said, "Sarah, I want you to lay the file on the table and leave." Ah would describe his voice as "languid." Course, Ah did exactly as Ah was told.

The whole scene was kinda...weird, doncha think?

The Biz Whiz:

No. To the blaming your boss for being thin-skinned, I mean. In business, if you're not sensitive to criticism, your VP, Backstabbing will have you escorted out the front door by armed guards with nothing but a small box of personal effects and a multi-million dollar payout faster than you can say, "Criminal Indictment!"

Not that I would know.

As for what your boss makes you do when you deliver a file containing positive news, yes, I think it is a little weird. Most men in his position would ask you to give him a back rub as he read over the file!

The economy is too important to be left to economists! If you have a work, financial or otherwise money-centric question, quiz the Biz Whiz at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Business hates uncertainty. Political uncertainty can lead to economic uncertainty, and economic uncertainty can lead to Diminished Stock Option Syndrome (D-SOS). However, you would be amazed at how much uncertainty business is willing to accept without comment if you dangle tax cuts in front of it!

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