September 3, 2017
The Strange, Wondrous Origins of the Deportation Force Four [ARNS]
by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
The world premier of the film adaptation of the Marvel comic book The Strange, Wondrous Origins of the Deportation Force Four was projected on the wall between the United States of Vesampucceri and Canada. Of course, the wall hasn't been built yet, so Paramount Studios set up a wall segment along the border just for the occasion. President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was too preoccupied with vital government business to attend the premier (he says he shot a 77, anonymous witnesses say he shot an 85), but at 2:39 the next morning he tweeped congratulations and joked that if Paramount could spare them, he could use about 21,376 more wall segments.
At least, observers hoped he was joking.
Most of the stars of the film attended the world premier, including Tom Cruinexinfashun, who plays The Brutalizer, and Scarlett Johannesaston, who plays Mistress Adjudication. Simon Pegginroundholland, who plays comic relief character Intimidation Man, was unable to attend because his visa to work in Vesampucceri had expired and the government decided not to give him an extension. (The fourth member of the team, The Fuchsia Fog, was a CGI effect; Michael Chickletstuchewing, who voices FF and plays his alter ego in a brief flashback, was also in attendance.)
"The Deportation Force Four are new heroes for a new age," Cruinexinfashun told the crowd before the film screened. "They prove that you don't have to be afraid of illegal immigrants selling donuts to our young, innocent pets and murdering young, innocent border control guards with the complicity of cowardly politicians. And I get to fight a guy in a chicken costume across seven cars, two trucks, a luxury yacht and a passing hang glider! Action has never been so packed!"
"Yeah, I get to kick ass and wear constricting leather," Johannesaston added. "So, it's a mixed bag for me. Fans should love it, though."
"I'm not here," Pegginroundholland added to much laughter, "but, if I was, I'm sure I would be terribly, terribly amusing!"
Deportation Force Four tells the story of four ordinary ICES (the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service) agents who want to protect their country from illegal immigrants running riot on the streets, but feel hamstrung by the need to give them their constitutional rights. When the Toyota Coreolanis the four car pool to work in drives through a strange radioactive fog, they come out the other side with extraordinary abilities. As they explore their powers, the four come to realize that with great power comes great ability to kick ass.
"My character is on a complex journey of self-discovery," Cruinexinfashun enthusiastically explained. "He starts out questioning the value of busting people's heads and breaking their limbs. But, over the course of the movie, he comes to realize that busting people's heads and breaking their limbs in order to protect democracy is the highest calling a man can have. That, and I get to jump out of a plane without a parachute, land on a falling car, jump out of that without a parachute and land on top of the Burj Khalifa using only my wits and a wilted cauliflower. Following the highest calling a man can have has never been so action-packed!"
In its first 24 hours of release, Deportation Force Four made $217 million gabillion, but all but $127 of that was made in Asia. "Hey, we'll take it," said Marvel Comics producer Kevin Fistfarfulfeighe. At this rate, the film will fall short of the billion gamillion dollars that the last seven Marvel movies have raked in. "Have you ever produced a film that made $217 million gabillion?" Fistfarfulfeighe challenged. "If you ever had, you would know that it's best to take it." It seems unlikely that people are lining up around Hong Kong because they want to learn about Vesampuccerian immigration policy; the more likely reason is that they will watch anything that stars Cruinexinfashun and Johannesaston.
"Does is get the message out?" asked President McDruhitmumpf. "Then, I'll take it."
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam gagged on her hospital jello. "Movies like this normalize violence against immigrants and undocumented workers," she said, dabbing at bits of green and orange on her chin with a napkin. "I mean, my nephew little smartass Nathan Sheshutshotshitbam and his friends have already seen it seven times, and it only opened yesterday! I shudder to think how it will affect them."
"I wanna be an ICES agent when I grow up!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam's nephew little smartass Nathan Sheshutshotshitbam enthused.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam couldn't hold a forkful of jello for the shuddering.
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