September 3, 2017
The Daily Me - Blobbo Linde-Collector
Thank you, Blobbo Linde-Collector, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard that the right-wing group Patriot Prayer had called off a rally for San Francisco. Fearing violence, the city had walled off an area for them to protest in, but their leader, Joey Gibson, complained that the rally wouldn't be any fun if there wasn't the threat of violence. ...Okay, what he actually said was that his intention was to foster dialogue with people who didn't agree with him. We may have read between the lines. Aggressively, as is our custom. We've had experience with groups like this before.
A simpler explanation for the cancellation could be that for a rally which in Boston that attracted around 100 far rightists, an estimated 40,000 counter-protesters also showed up. That's an over...300 per cent difference! Hard to argue that you represent a majority of the population with those kinds of numbers! Hopefully, such embarrassing lopsided attendance will drive the racists back to the rocks they climbed out from under.
As we used to say in the shtetls: from your mouth to God's tucchis kicking foot!
The Daily Me Staff
I'm Not Comfortable With Military Personnel Taking Political Roles In General, But...
All The Things We Should Thank John Kelly For
Wouldn't be caught dead in Gucci
It was drab grey business suits all the way
To ensure the president won the day
There was nothing obscene he wouldn't say
Til he sounded a lot like Il Duce
Liked to be considered a loose cannon
Although he isn't all that smart
After eight months destroying the government from within (a good start)
He returned to Brietbart
Where he collected a salary as his mouth ran on
Was a dork, a
Man without a job description
Every time he spoke, he'd give reasonable people conniptions
Against his propaganda, rationality wasn't always a reliable prescription
Fortunately, he's done. Stick in him a fork - ahh!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
Just Don't Ask Us How We're That Good - We Never Discuss Methods
How we doin'? The Canadian Security Establishment (CSE) would like your opinion on our performance at saving the country from foreign murder and mayhem. Simply print out and answer the following questions, then wrap your answers in a day old newspaper and leave the package on a bench in the park closest to where you live. Don't worry - we'll pick it up within five minutes of you depositing it.
Yes, we're that good.
Your Friends at the CSE
1) Once upon a time, [REDACTED] in the middle of the [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] with friendly succotash and half a dozen neutered porcupines [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED], and that's how babies are born. Given this, can you appreciate the importance of [REDACTED]?
a) I wouldn't [REDACTED] if the [REDACTED] had training wheels and George Clooney's face!
b) the length of a side of a [REDACTED] triangle is [REDACTED] to the sum of [REDACTED] two [REDACTED]
c) and they all lived [REDACTED] ever after
2) What do you know about the Canadian Security Establishment?
a) it's initials are...C...E...S, or something like that...maybe?
b) it's a good alternative to beeswax for cleaning that nasty stain out of my robes after a rally
c) after the Edward Snowden leaks about the Five Eyes information gathering effort, I was appalled that...hold on a minute! You just - you just hold on. You thought you could draw me out so easily? I know nothing about - what did you call it? - the Canadian Security Eggbeater? - and you can't prove otherwise! Probably. I think. Maybe. Can you?
3) How do you feel about the work of the Canadian Security Establishment?
a) warm and fuzzy
b) cold and queasy
c) like I'm on a first date with somebody I really have no right to think I belong with, and I have to watch every word I say for fear that I'll blow it
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
Just Because They Want To Kill Americans Doesn't Mean That North Korean Children Should Have To Suffer Poor Game Design
In the past few of months, North Korea has released such computer games as Hunting Yankee, Guardian and the redundantly named Confrontation War (is it possible to have a non-confrontational war?). While it's admirable that they want to indoctrinate their children into hating America through the use of games, the ones that the country has produced have been less than inspiring; the first-person shooter Hunting Yankee, for example, was an obvious Doom rip-off.
If the government really wants its children to experience what it's like to kill Americans, it should get an American company to design the game. There are plenty of start-ups that would jump at the creative challenge! North Korea gets a game that's actually worth playing and an American company gets the seed money it needs to thrive in a highly competitive environment. Talk about win-win!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
You Don't Have To Be A Drug Cartel To Want Some Politicians To Say Less
In response to the announcement that Toronto would allow the opening of three safe injection sites, Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti wondered if the Board of Health was any different from a drug cartel. In a statement, Mammoliti claimed that drug cartels coordinate the use of narcotics, establish territory and "silence politicians."
If the Toronto Board of Health is really acting like a drug cartel, it has obviously failed in one of its objectives.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
What About Our Right To Live Without Politicians Making Up Political Rights To Serve Their Personal Prejudices?
"I'm quite happy to remove this because it is not what should belong in this Parliament. The central issue in this motion before the Senate is the right of others to see a face."
- Australian Senator Pauline Hanson, who sat for several minutes in the house in a full burka before taking it off and spending several more minutes railing against Islam
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Details Are For Losers
Donald Trump's speech to Phoenix boiled down to its essentials:
The media are terrible. The media are terrible. The media are terrible. I'm great.
The media are liars. The media are liars. The media are liars. I'm truly great. Like, really fantastic.
Other stuff that nobody cares about. Maybe a little about Sheriff Joe.
So, in summation, the media are terrible liars. I'm the best ever. Thank you, and good night.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies