September 10, 2017
The Daily Me - Paul d'Enjoy
Thank you, Paul d'Enjoy, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we decided to build a house. As publications will. So, we asked the Fraser Institute to do a cost-benefit analysis for us. They wrote a lengthy report advising us against building the house, citing the cost of the land, the permits, the materials and the labour. Yes, we argued, but at the end, wouldn't we have a house? "That's not how a cost-benefit analysis works," the Fraser Institute haughtily told us.
Well! Silly us.
The Daily Me Staff
Wasn't This The Game That Made A Desert Out Of Mars?
Canada has signalled that it would like labour and environmental protections to be added to NAFTA in the current round of negotiations. Mexico, on the other hand, wants to ensure that the United States does not slap tariffs on its goods, and that there are no doors open for the US to do so in the future. Meanwhile, the United States wants to blow things up on the assumption that this will somehow make things better.
The three countries are playing a complicated game, but it isn't the same game. Canada is playing checkers. Mexico is playing pinochle. The United States is playing roller derby.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Are You Kidding? A Substantial Amount Of The North Korean Population Is ALREADY Eating Grass, And The United States Isn't Even Close To Being Rendered A Smoking Hole In The ground!
North Korea "will eat grass but will not give up the [nuclear] programme if they don't feel safe."
- Russian President Vladimir Putin warns the United States that being confrontational with North Korea will only make it work that much harder on building nuclear weapons
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
You Can Find It In The Same Aisle Of Your Grocery Store As Instant Mashed Potatoes
Just Look For The Box With The Smiling Buddha On Front
A University of Tampa instructor has resigned for tweeting that the destruction wrought by Hurricane Harvey was "instant karma" for Texans who supported Republicans. This was, of course, completely indefensible.
He should have tweeted that the destruction wrought by Hurricane Harvey was instant karma for Texans who supported Republicans who deny the reality of global climate change. That makes much more sense.
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
Bostwick - Wasn't That A Brand Of Chocolate Syrup?
He has a name! And, it is...Meat.
This year's Fan Expo was memorable for many things...and, I'm sure I'll remember all...most...some...a few of them when the excitement of just being there burns itself out of my system. Fortunately, I have pictures to remember what I cannot remember by. By. Whatever. And, one of the most memorable was this picture of Meat Loaf...'s table.
I'm pretty sure the guy in the blue shirt was not Mister Loaf. (Some day, I know in my heart of hearts, I will meet him, and he will feel the connection we share, and he will give me permission to call him Meat. I live for that day!) No, I didn't bother going to the table - you've seen one stranger in a blue shirt, and the restraining order pretty much ensures that you've seen them all.
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
"Super Explosive" Is Not A Technical Term...Unless You're Talking About President Trump's Temper
North Korea has claimed that it has put a "super explosive" hydrogen bomb into a missile. Nobody is sure what makes a bomb super explosive: some physicists suspect it blows up like a normal hydrogen bomb, then goes off to have a beer or two with friends and comes back an hour later and atomizes anything that wasn't atomized in the first blast. Other physicists believe that this is absurd - hydrogen bombs, perhaps counterintuitively, prefer drinks with fruit and umbrellas in them, and, in any case, have no friends.
President Trump responded to the news by tweeting that if North Korea dared to use the weapon, there would be a "super duper explosive" response that would make the Death Star in Star Wars look like a dud child's Fourth of July sparkler. Anonymous sources within the White House claimed that the President privately demanded, "Why don't we have one of those super explosive bomb things? North Korea has a weapon that we don't have? Dammit, I don't care what it costs, I want one! Want one! Want one! Want one!"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
Despite The Fact That A Policeman Brings The Payne
Wubbels Wobbles But She Don't Fall Down
A nurse in Utah was briefly arrested for not allowing a police officer to take blood from an unconscious man who had been in a traffic accident. You think you know where this story is going? Would you like to put some money on that?
The man was an off-duty police officer; the policeman on the scene wanted the blood sample to prove that he wasn't drunk and, therefore, didn't cause the accident. Not was drunk - wasn't. That bet would have been the easiest money I ever made.
Oh, and the nurse was released without charge a few minutes later because, you know, hospital policy and the law clearly state that police are not allowed to take the blood of a patient who is unable to consent to the procedure. Still, anybody want to bet on how many years of therapy the nurse will need to overcome the trauma?
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
They're "Satirical" In The Same Way That A Sucking Chest Wound Is A Parlour Game Like Charades
A fake news Web site called The First Line of Offense has had to defend itself after publishing an article in which it claimed that a Houston Imam refused to shelter non-Muslim hurricane Harvey victims at his mosque. The picture of the man that accompanied the article was actually of a guy named Howie Schwartzman. Not an Imam, then. Not even a Muslim. Moreover, Schwartzman lives in Mississauga. Has he ever been to Texas? You think the Web site would want to spoil its perfect record with an actual true fact?
"Hey!" the publication responded to criticism of the article. "If you're going to pick nits, we'd like to point out that we spent almost 30 seconds finding that photo - that's almost six times more than we spent writing the actual article! This is the thanks we get for doing in-depth research!"
SOURCE: The Wryersonian Eyewash