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Chapter 34
September 17, 2017

The Daily Me - "Deleterious" Rex Harristone

Thank you, "Deleterious" Rex Harristone, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, our hearts went out to the victims of Hurricane Irma as it approached the Florida coast. Well, okay, one victim: Rush Limbaugh. No, wait - don't go looking for the latest episode of Game of Scones (as tasty as it undoubtedly will be) on YahooTube - hear us out! Limbaugh, who has made climate change denial a fetish (we have no doubt that cooing "Al Gore is a Chinese stooge" turns him on in the bedroom), had to shut down his radio broadcast for a couple of days while he moved it out of Florida when he had to face the reality of the devastation that the hurricane was about to inflict on the area. He could lose a lot of listeners because of this. At least five people will stop listening because of the climate change hypocrisy, but tens of thousands, perhaps even millions will tune him out because he turned tail and ran away from...a girl. Not just any girl, either: a girl with a goofy name.

Some people will commiserate with poor Floridians who cannot afford to evacuate the state and will face uncertain fates over the next few days. But, we know who the real victim is, here.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

If People Don't Stop Mangling That Quote, I'll Eat My T-shirt!

SOURCE: T-dot ts

[http://t-dotts/store/new]
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You Wanted A Ford Maverick, You'll Get A Ford Edsel

Rob Ford's brother Doug has announced that he will be running for Mayor of Toronto in 2018. Who will be the winner's and losers if he does manage to get elected to the position?

WINNERS

  • real estate developers
  • editorial writers
  • editorial cartoonists
  • international comedians
  • subway construction workers
  • The Toronto Sun

LOSERS

  • citizens

SOURCE: NOW and THEN

[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=139475
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There Is Nothing Worse Than A Social Climbing Computer Game Character!

According to Nintendo's Japanese Web site, "All around sporty, whether it's tennis or baseball, soccer or car racing, he [Mario] does everything cool. As a matter of fact, he also seems to have worked as a plumber a long time ago…" This suggest that being a plumber is no longer enough for Mario.

"Issa thata so?" complained Mario's father Jerrio. "I worka ma fingers to da bone to givea him a good life, an' he wanna throw it away to be a...a...a go-karta driver? Issa good thing his momma no longer issa round, or thisa news would akill her! It would akill her adead!"

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/170901/geeklynews/01marioomariowhereforeartthoumario.htm]
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No Jury In The Country Would Convict Him...If They Know What's Good For Them

Paolo Duterte has pleaded not guilty of smuggling drugs into Philippines. Under ordinary circumstances, just the accusation would be enough to get one's body dismembered and buried in separate holes around the country, but Paolo has the distinction of being the son of President Rodrigo Duterte, the man who has stepped up the violence in his war on drugs (and journalists...and defense lawyers...and people he doesn't like). It is rumoured that when President Duterte has a little leisure time, he likes to do some recreational dismembering himself. With his teeth.

Paolo's team has created a unique defense for the lad: being the son of the President is punishment enough. The only evidence they plan on introducing is a photograph of President Duterte with blood on his teeth. The argument has a lot of merit...

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2017Sep08.html]
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Because There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity, Right?

The Rotten Tomatoes Web site has gotten a 93% negative rating from Hollywood producers and directors, putting it firmly into the "bury it six miles underground under the atomic waste" category.

"They have all of the nuance of a shovel to the head," said one producer, whose last film not only featured a scene of somebody beating a character to death with a shovel, but also with a ball peen hammer, a car radiator and dental floss.

"Their definition of who can be a critic is so loose that people who obviously know nothing about movies are included in the site's ratings," pointed out a producer whose only credit was a Web series that had its only two episodes pulled from the Internet for copyright infringement.

"People often decide whether or not to go to a movie based on the ratings on Rotten Tomatoes rather than on the the more positive media attention given to films before their openings," complained a third producer who was well known for spending as much on promotion as on the actual production of his films.

Oddly, the criticism has only driven more traffic to the site.

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0174970/]
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Terrified Of What You'll Find Whenever You Open Your Inbox?
You May Be Surprised To Hear Not Everybody Thinks It's A Sin Box!

You May Be a Loser Who is Already a Winner!

Online, I hobnob with Ethiopian princes,
Watching...croquet? And, eating...blintzes?
They want financial aid, and I would let 'em
Use my bank account, but then I would forget 'em
As I move on to how my lottery winnings mount,
And I deal with the corruption of my bank account.

Make loads of money
Buying and selling useless stuff.
I'm a junk mail junkie,
And too much is never enough.

Looking for the best gift for any member of your brood?
We can show you how to make anything out of wood!
Looking for a business opportunity deep down in your bowels?
We can help you sell paper towels!
I get excited when an email shows up
That tells me how to survive when the world blows up.

I want to know
How to make any hobby pay.
I'm a junk mail junkie -
I've already had 47 just today!

Although they fill other people with dread,
I love to receive emails from lawyers for the dead.
Some people think spam is really sleazy,
But I want to learn all I can about an online cure for diabetes!
Against spam I have no need for a legal injunction
I want to hear what you can do to alleviate erectile dysfunction!

Looking for love?
Try Russian...or Chinese...or even Ethiopian girls...
I'm a junk mail junkie
In a spam filter world

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/756.html]
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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +