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Chapter 35
September 24, 2017

The Daily Me - Konstantin Knudsson

Thank you, Konstantin Knudsson, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we practiced what we would say to our children about President Trump in front of the bedroom mirror. You know: The Talk. We ignored the crack that formed in the right hand corner of the mirror 30 seconds into The Talk. Unfortunately, after a minute and a half of The Talk, the mirror completely shattered. We went into the bathroom and considered using the mirror there, but decided that if it suffered the same fate as the bedroom mirror, we or our mates would have a difficult time shaving. So, when the time for The Talk came, we told our children, "You'll understand when you grow up," and sent them to their rooms. As long as they don't read the comments on Farcebook, they should be fine...

The Daily Me Staff

Sure, Bruce Is Six Foot Four - It's A Hormonal Thing - But There's No Need To Be Mean About It!

"The Pressure Big Gay has put on Indiana is proof that they are not about 'marriage equality' but 'homosexual supremacy.'" - Bryan J. Fischer, host of the talk radio program Focal Point on American Family Radio

SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site


With Enough Sugar, They Could Make It Wor - Nope, Still Ewwwwwww!

A fatberg the size of 11 double decker buses made of fat, disposable wipes, diapers, condoms and tampons has been discovered in the sewer under London. When the solid glob was first announced, Macdonalds looked into the possibility that mining it for burgers would be cheaper than raising cattle. This made financial sense until ewwwwwww!

SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)


White Collar Crime Is A Leftie Myth, So No Need To Waste Policing Resources On THAT!

In response to the killing of two Canadian soldiers by Islamic State sympathizers in October, 2014, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has directed more than $100 million to counter-terrorism efforts. In fact, since they were established in 2001, the RCMP's Integrated National Security Squads (somehow acronymmed to INSETs) have overspent their budget by millions of dollars annually.

It's a good thing that drug trafficking, human trafficking and other organized crime has gone down since 2014, or this country would be in serious trouble!

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour


Physics? You Know, The Law Of Conservation Of Stargazing/Energy

The great thing about the Toronto International Film Festival are the stars. So many celebrities in such a small space - it defies physics!

As I was standing in the rush ticket line, I saw this guy. I have no idea who he is, but little old ladies and children seemed to flock to him. Whoa! Two of the three signs of * STARDOM *!

And, he had cheekbones like geometry and wore his suit like a sleek second skin. An ash grey second skin. Maybe he was the lead in a zombie movie. If anybody has any idea who this guy is, please let me know...if he's, like, a star or something. If he's a key grip or something like that, I - I don't know if I could live with the crushing disappointment.

What? The film? Oh, right - I didn't get in. I only waited an hour, and it was worth every second of it to watch...whoever this guy is be his celebrity self!

SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts


Treason...Kittens - The Issue Is Not As Cute And Dried As You May Think

After criticism of its role in possible Russian meddling in last year's US election, Facebook has announced that it plans to form a Public Relations Whitewash Initiative in advance of Canada's next election.

"Sure, we denied that Facebook had been used as a platform for Russian pro-Trump propaganda for several months, stonewalling Congressional efforts to understand what had happened during the election," Facebook said in a press release. "But, kittens. Cute, adorable kittens. Millions of them. On our platform. Kittens in rows. Kittens with bows. Kittens balancing treats on their nose. How could anybody possibly stay angry at us when we are such a huge force for cuteness in the world?"

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report


Putting The Fun Back In Dysfunctional

Tied Up in Smoke
Andrea Tantaros and Michael Krechmer
Harper Collins

DESCRIPTION: Fifty years after Betty Friedan unveiled The Feminine Mystique, relations between men and women in America have never been more dysfunctional. If women are more liberated than ever before, why aren't they happier? In this - "No, no, no, Michael Kreepner had nothing to do with the writing of this book!" "Sure, I did. I ghostwrote the damn thing, and I have the contracts to prove it!" "Oh! Whu! You - you do not! Not if confidentiality still means anything in this ugly world!" "Yeah, well, the judge in the lawsuit has decided that the public's right to know what's happening in the case is more important than your right to pretend to write an anti-Feminist book that was actually written by a man!" "You bastard! This could ruin my career!" "You should have thought of that before you tried to renegotiate the terms of our agreement." "Why, you -!" "Not quite the male/female dysfunction you had in mind, is it?" "Aaargh!" - funny, brilliant, scathing indictment of...of...you know, after that interruption, there doesn't seem to be much point in continuing to describe this book. Not much point at all...

SOURCE: Unread Book News


Canada Should Not St-Amand Its Position On Missile Defense

Canada must join the American missile defense system. It must do it now! It must do it yesterday! (Hey! - since we're fantasizing about Star Wars style weapons, why not throw time travel into the mix?) Why? According to Lieutenant-General Pierre St-Amand, the Canadian Deputy Commander of NORAD, he has been warned that current US policy directs the American military not to defend Canada if it is targeted in a ballistic missile attack.

What about article 5 of NATO, which states that all members will come to the defence of any member that is under attack? "That...that's a different acronym," Lieutenant-General Pierre St-Amand stated. "You can't expect me to keep track of all of the acronyms! I'm only one Lieutenant-General!"

SOURCE: The Irrational


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