October 1, 2017
The Daily Me – Johnny_Hashtag
Thank you, Johnny_Hashtag, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we started writing an editorial about President Donald Trump's inability to push the latest attempt by the Senate to pass an ACA repeal and replace law. We had just warmed to the whole Frankenstein analogy when the war of words between Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un exploded. Not literally. Not yet, anyway. So, we switched gears and started to write an editorial about that. Just as we got to a great line about not "blowing your top," Trump dissed the NFL for not firing players who took a knee. Oooookaaaay. We pivoted once again. We had just gotten to the point where we were talking about taking a knee...to the groin when the deadline passed and the issue had to go out without an editorial. It's almost like the President pla...
That sneaky bastard!
The Daily Me Staff
The League Counts On Canadian Hockey Fans Being Good Sports
The first hockey game on Mars drew a sparse crowd, with an official attendance count of only 10,088 little green men, women and children in a stadium that can hold 18,000. Scalpers outside the Mercedes-Benz Arena in the Schiaparelli Crater, were reduced to selling $240 tickets for the pre-season game between the Vancouver Canucks and the Los Angeles Kings for $37.
"Personally, I think the NHL blew it," said Phil Esposito, who has become a kind of unofficial ambassador for the game on Mars. "You have got to promote the [MILD EXPLETIVE, BUT STILL DELETED] out of the game. I read some of the local papers – okay, I looked at the pictures. I don't read Martian. So, sue me. The point is that there's no pictures of the game. Nothing. How are Martians supposed to be enthusiastic about hockey if they don't even know it's being played on their planet?"
When asked about the game, Windsor resident Alain de Rock-Boutton said, "Geez, Louise, I know the NHL doesn't want any more teams in Canada, but do they have to rub our faces in it?"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
Walkerton Wally Wondered, "Is It Too Soon To Be Thinking Of His Replacement...?"
Spring waited six weeks for the appearance of Wiarton Willie, but he didn't show up. The weather forecasting groundhog had died at the age of 13, which is approximately 157 in human years.
"Sure, we had our differences," allowed a stricken Punxsutawney Phil, "but Willie was a class act, always professional, and you have to respect that. He was a giant in the weather forecasting racket, and he will be missed."
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
The Icing On The Cake Is No Longer So Sweet
Everybody comes to the truth walking their own path.
CITIZEN: Global warming? Pfft! It's a myth created by Big Environment to undermine our economy, giving China a wicked useful advantage over us!
NEWS: Extreme weather probably brought on by global warming has caused cyclones which have devastated vanilla crops in Madagascar. As a result, there could be shortages of cake around the world.
CITIZEN: What? No cake? DAMMIT! WHY AREN'T WE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING?
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
Scheer Heart Attack
Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer, whose party attacked the Liberals for months for holding cash-for-access fundraising events, says he will not make details of his own private fundraising events public.
"That's private," he said. When pushed on the subject, he added, "We are fully compliant with election law. Other than that, we shouldn't be scrutinized as closely as the Liberals because we're not the government."
So, ethics are variable depending upon whether or not your party is in power? If you are part of a minority government, do you only have to abide by half of the rules governing fundraising? Or, would your ethical commitment be proportional to how many seats you had in the coalition? If you win an election, do your higher ethical standards kick in when your opponents have made their concession speeches, or when you are sworn into office by the Governor General?
Scheer said he would talk to his advisers and get back to us.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
There Are No Wires On Illuminated Manuscripts
Verizon Wireless' recent merger with AT&T Mobility (after it bought the merged T-Mobile/Sprint company SpriTz-Mobile) means that 98 per cent of wireless phonage in the United States will be controlled by a single company. Despite this, the Federal Communications Commission, who, under President Trump, has created a more favourable antitrust-enforcement environment, will likely approve the deal.
"We are satisfied that there is effective competition for mobile wireless services," said FCC Chair Ajit V. Pai. "After all, anybody with a cigarette lighter, a blanket and some twigs can send smoke signals, and, if you're missing one or more of those elements, you can always shout really, really loud. Americans' communications options have never been greater!"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
The Humour May Be Somewhat Broadfoot, But It Will Still Get You Thinking
JAMIE: Did you hear about the guy who outrageously called Liberal Minister of the Environment Catherine McKenna "climate Barbie?"
JANIE: Yeah, I thought that was hilarious.
JAMIE: Hilarious? Hilarious? Not only was it demeaning to women, but it also trivialized the concerns people have about the environment!
JANIE: Hey, lighten up. It was just a bit.
JAMIE: What are you talking about?
JANIE: Have you seen the photo of the guy who made the comment? It was Dave Broadfoot of Royal Canadian Air Farce. He was obviously doing a comedy bit.
JAMIE: No. It was a Conservative politician named Gerry Ritz.
JANIE: Come on. The moustache. The grey hair. It was obviously Dave Broadfoot.
JAMIE: Dave Broadfoot retired from Air Farce years ago.
JANE: So, he came out of retirement to satirize the anti-environmental positions of the Conservatives.
JAMIE: Dave Broadfoot died last year.
JANE: So, he...umm...yeah. Okay. Good point. Maybe it wasn't him. Still, I don't see what you're so upset about.
JAMIE: You don't?
JANE: Naah. So what if some Conservative politician attacks Saturday Night Live Star Kathryn McKinnon? She's worked hard to develop her comedy chops – I'm sure she can handle it!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour