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Chapter 37
October 8, 2017

The Daily Me - Rosinante Volestrangler

Thank you, Rosinante Volestrangler, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we offended readers last week by writing, "Oh, Steve, you're adorable when you're being insane." (This was in response to Bannon's quote that, "If people in this country take a knee and the National Football League players want to take a knee, they should take a knee at night, every night, and thank God in heaven Donald J. Trump is president of the United States.") For people who thought we were being too easy on the White House's former fascist in residence, in our minds we were thinking about a porcupine in a mason jar. Cute, but in a disturbing kind of way. For people who thought we were being too hard on him, we hope that you realize that insanity is the new Chanel summerwear.

Nobody can say that we don't know which side our bread is battered on!

The Daily Me Staff

There's A Concert You REALLY Don't Want To Be Sitting In The Front Row Of!

A statue of Mikhail Kalashnikov was recently unveiled in downtown Moscow. The statue portrays the inventor of the AK-47 rifle wearing a leather jacket, with greased back hair, holding the weapon he created as though it was an electric guitar.

"He's sooooooooo dreamy," said 14 year-old Nadezhda Andreyevna Tolokonnikova. "Mikhail? He was a true rock star of military weaponry!"



It's Like Kenny: Always Back To Normal When I Wake Up The Next Morning

"We're doing a great job. Simply amazing," the President says.

But, 97 per cent of Puerto Rico has been destroyed.

"If we didn't act as quickly as we did, it could have been 98 per cent. Maybe 99. Maybe 127. Who knows?" the President insists.

But, people are running out of food, water and medicine while dozens of cargo crates full of those vitally needed supplies sit on docks because there is nobody to distribute them.

"Well, you know, they want everything to be done for them when it should be a community effort. It's a question of leadership, really."

That's when my head exploded. For the third time this week.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills


Conservative Senator Enjoys Beyacking At The Moon

Natives! What a bunch of whiners! Am I right? Want other people to pay for preserving their culture and will complain about the slightest thing, like the suicide rate among their children or a series of missing and murdered women. And, they absolutely refuse to take any responsibility for things like residential schools just because they had no control over them. Grow a spine, people! We all have problems! And, I have no intention of feeling guilty for yours just because my people caused them!

Or, that's what Conservative Senator Lynn Beyak seems to be saying. (Yes, Canada has a Senate, too. It's like the American Senate, but unelected, so it's far less legitimate and hijinksy but far more easy to ignore.)

Hard to know which is more deplorable: the fact that Beyak felt the need to say what she said - out loud - in public - with adults present - or the fact that the Conservatives have not seen fit to throw her out of their Senate club. That does illustrate the great thing about the Basket of Deplorables, though: it truly is a big tent that welcomes all who want to enter.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


Ratings Grab The You Know What

CBC NewsWorld. 10am. Speech. Live coverage of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's press conference. Unless American President Donald Trump is making a fool of himself giving a speech to the United Nations. Or, commenting about unpatriotic football players in the Oval Office. Or, tweeting about...just about anything, really.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl= %2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]

Of Course, In Politics, "Brave" Is Synonymous With "Suicidal"

You know what Toronto's problem is? Nobody wanted to celebrate crack cocaine use. At least, not until now.

Mayor John Tory has taken a brave position by standing up for the use of crack cocaine. He is telling this city's children that crack cocaine use is something to be emulated, not scorned. Sure, it's a controversial thing to say, but it's time that somebody in authority did! Out loud! In public! With adults present!

Or, Mayor Tory could just back down on his support for renaming an Etobicoke football stadium after disgraced former Mayor Rob Ford.



Because It's Of Netflix Benefit To Canadians

Q: Is Netflix really putting $500 million into the production of film and television in Canada?

A: Not exactly. A lot of the money they will be putting into Canadian productions over the next five years is money that they had already committed to spending on Canadian productions over the next five years.

Q: How much new money will the agreement with the Liberal government mean Netflix is putting into Canadian productions over the next five years?

A: Hard numbers are hard to come by. It could be anywhere from $3.27 to as much as $17.89. And, that's $17.89 in American dollars, so it's that much more impressive!

Q: And, for this, the Canadian government agreed to not tax Internet content providers like Netflix for at least the five years of the agreement? How can the Liberals possibly think that that's a good deal?

A: Are you familiar with our sister site, Politics for Dummies?

SOURCE: Entertainment for Dummies


To See How Ridiculous Their Argument Is, They Should Imagine What It Would Be Like If The Roles Had Been Reversed

McDonalds is trying to get King Arthur: Legend of the Sword banned in Russia because, it claims, the film will give an unfair promotional advantage to rival Burger King.

"The Burger King bears a striking resemblance to Arthur in the film," insisted McDonalds Russia spokeputz Ivan Dommaski. "I mean, they're both royalty. They both have crowns. They both want to dominate their market. Will people come out of screenings of Legend of the Sword thinking, 'I could really go for something at the Burger King right now!'?" Damn straight they will, if 80 years of advertising theory has taught us anything!"

A spokesperson for the Russian Federal Anti-Monopoly Service said, "Russia has a Federal Anti-Monopoly Service? I mean, more power to the oligarchs and that, but don't their toothless nods to capitalism have to be credible?"

SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal


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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +