October 15, 2017
Rights is Wrong [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
You know how we've always...since the 1930s been advised not to look at the man behind the curtain? Well, what if the curtain was made up of a tweepstorm of distractions, and the man is the decisions the McDruhitmumpf administration is making that aren't being properly reported by journalists? Okay, yeah, sure, we'd have a metaphor so strained that a two year-old would believe us if we told her it was succotash and try to swallow it whole.
But, we would also have a hell of a mess. Not unlike what would happen when Baby Mylandria discovered that what she had in her mouth had nothing to do with a tasty bean dish.
We asked some people who follow politics (not into dark allies in the middle of the night, because that would be creepy, although a reasonable person might wonder why politics was there instead of at home with its children and a good cigar) what they thought the most underreported story of the McDruhitmumpf administration was. To make the question answerable, we limited their responses to the Department of Injustice. In the past week.
For token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, the most overlooked story of the week was the Department of Injustice's announcement that it would challenge affirmative action programmes at universities and colleges. "Can you imagine how successful white men would be in our schools," she stated, "and the great things they could accomplish for our country, if only affirmative action programmes weren't holding them back?"
Damn! That's a good one. To be honest, I really wanted to explore that topic myself. Still, interview subjects are like guests at your home, and I didn't want to serve her the interlocutory equivalent of dry bread crusts and thin gruel, so I let her continue.
"Okay, that was sarcasm," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam allowed, "which is the lowest form of humour except for airline food jokes and farts. Ha ha ha - faaaarts. But - ahem - unlike airline food jokes, it had a point: white men dominate business...and entertainment...and bicycle repair. The idea that they are oppressed twists the language into a shape even a Cirque du Soleil performer couldn't manage. I mean, salt that twisted language and call it a New York delicacy! The idea that - oh, my. That was sarcasm, again, wasn't it? Something about this administration seems to demand it!"
Presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess argued that the most overlooked story of the week was the Department of Injustice's decision to reverse polarity on challenging state voter ID laws. "You know how the Texas state motto is ‘Where minority votes go to die'?" the presidential historian stated. "Well, now that the DoI has dropped its challenge of the state's purging of voters - mostly visible minorities who mostly vote Dumboprat - the voting rolls in the next election are going to look remarkably skinny."
Oh - seriously? If I couldn't have the challenge to affirmative action, this issue would have been my second choice! I really, really wanted this one! * SIGH * Interview subjects - guests - blah blah blah. Go ahead, Michael - make your case.
"Thanks," Beschbefordatloess refused to lose his good cheer. "You know how, when he spoke to African-Vesampuccerians on the campaign trail, Donald McDruhitmumpf used to ask, ‘Vote for me - what have you got to lose?' If - that was a pretty good impression, don't you think? When I want to sound like the President, I just turn off all empathy for other human beings - it's a trick I learned from Alec Ballindecupwynne - it's a good trick, one that could win him an Emmy this year - where was - oh, right. If they had known they could lose their right to participate in the democratic process, the 12 per cent of African-Vesampuccerians who voted for McDruhitmumpf might have had second thoughts!"
So, yeah. Okay. My turn. I'm stuck with the Department of Injustice's claim that gays are not protected by the Vesampuccerian Constitution. It isn't as sexy as attacking affirmative action. It isn't as...as...as gezundheit as undermining the basis of fair and free elections. But, well, there we are. It's the issue I'm stuck with. So -
BREAKING NEWS: President McDruhitmumpf held a press conference to announce that he had successfully repelled an alien invasion. "I was in the cockpit of Air Force One," he explained. "Great plane. Greatest plane ever. We were hovering in front of one of those alien tripods. I was looking that ugly grey thing - I mean, uglier than Rosie O'Donahudell - well, okay, it was close - but, you see what I'm getting at, here - the alien would not be winning any Miss Galaxy Pageants - heh - and I said, ‘If you don't stop this invasion at once, you will be sorry. Bigly sorry.' And, it must have seen my resolve, because not only did the alien I was talking to drop dead on the spot, but every other alien on Earth dropped dead at the exact same time! Has any other President ever saved the Earth from an alien invasion? I don't think so!"
Critics of the President have suggested that he fell asleep watching War of the Worlds, and woke up confused. Whether or not this is true, you can rest assured that his press conference will dominate the next news cycle...
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