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Chapter 39
October 22 2017

The Daily Me - vi@gr@l0v3sk1tt3ns

Thank you, vi@gr@l0v3sk1tt3ns, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard about the new Buffalo Latte available at Tim Hortons and thought, Caffeine and four-legged bovids - it's the match made in heaven that we've always wanted at no point in our lives! But when we went to our local Timmies anyway, we were told that the beverage was only available in Buffalo. New York. Not even Buffalo...is there even a Buffalo in Canada that we could point to? Anyway, we started a petition demanding that we be able to taste the Buffalo Latte, got over 500,000 signatures and sent it to Restaurant Brands International. Three weeks later, we received a patronizing letter thanking us for our interest and offering a discount on a regular latte. Oy! That took approximately 25,000 signatures per free bean or 237 hours of organizing per sip. When that didn't work, we regrouped. Meetings were held. Consultants were consulted. The consensus was that we should just bite the bullet, drive the couple of hours to Buffalo, find the closest Tim Hortons to the border and order the beverage there. Which we did...only to be told that it had been released for a limited amount of time and was now no longer available.

Ah, well - it probably would have tasted like liquefied bison intestines, anyway.

The Daily Me Staff

Was President Obama The Balm Before The Storm?

After President Trump said that we were experiencing the calm before the storm, the White House press corps went into super-double danger pay mode to respond to criticism of his statement.

"Get thuh cotton wool out of your ears, people!" excoriated usually...flapped, but with a toothy grin that forgives a lot, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders. "Thuh President did not use thuh phrase, 'calm before thuh storm.' He used thuh phrase 'defcon before the storm.' He said we were experiencin' thuh defcon before the storm! Get it right, or you'll have ta deal with a torrent of 'fake news' tweetusations!"

Defcon before the storm is better‽

When the press gallery was able to exhale again, somebody asked Huckabee-Sanders if the President had been referring to a possible attack on North Korea, the Press Secretary responded, "Do you not pay attention ta yer own media outlets? North Korea is yesterday's news! Today, all thuh cool kids're talkin' about Iran. Honestly, this job would be so much easier if y'all would just tryyyyyy to keep up!"



Harvey Weinstein - Now, THERE'S A Halloween Costume That Should Be Banned By The Conseil Scolaire Viamonde!

The Board of Directors of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has voted overwhelmingly to "immediately expel" disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein. They would have done it days ago, but there was a problem with getting everybody to attend the meeting - they had to coordinate their casting calls with young actresses.



Tweet In Haste, Repent At Leisure

The evolution of a President's thinking:

TWEET: "With all of the Fake News coming out of NBC and the Networks, at what point is it appropriate to challenge their Licence? Bad for country"

TWEET + 1.27.01: "Now?"

TWEET + 1.27.27: "Now?"

TWEET + 1.27.45: "How about now?"

TWEET + 1.28.03: "Really, now?"

TWEET + 1.28.27: "Seriously, people, any time, now."

TWEET + 1.29.17: "Surely, it must be appropriate to challnge NBC's Licence now? How much time has to pass?"

TWEET + 1.30.14: "Hello? Is anybody listening? Challenge NBC's Licence, already! Challenge it! Challenge it now!"

TWEET + 7:42.27: "Yeah. About that whole NBC thing? Just kidding. Freedom of the pres - very important. Very important."

SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site


She And President Trump Have A Lot To Discuss

Rodriguez Aguilera has described in detail how she was abducted by aliens. The details she provided in an interview, including "There were some round seats that were there, and some quartz rocks that controlled the ship - not like airplanes," and the fact that she has telepathically communicated with aliens on and off since she was seven, were certainly...details. This wouldn't be worth a news story except for one thing: Rodriguez Aguilera is running for a seat in the House of Representatives for the State of Florida.

Carl Hiaasen wept.

SOURCE: USA Whenever


We're Open To Varying Interpretations Of The Word Open

NRA: We're open to regulation. We're not heartless barbarians, after all.

CONGRESS: Okay. Bump stocks, which can be used to make semi-automatic rifles act almost identical to automatic rifles, should be banned. After all, the Las Vegas killer could not have done as much damage as he did if he didn't have a dozen of them.

NRA: Yaaaaaah, no. It's not the right time for that. Too soon. You understand.

CONGRESS: Wrong time. Okay. Gotcha. What if we...tighten the rules that allow people who have a history of mental illness to acquire guns?

NRA: What are you saying? People with mental illness don't have Second Amendment rights? Is that what you're saying?

CONGRESS: Umm...we don't...is that what we're saying?

NRA: Sorry, but that won't pass a Supreme Court challenge. Not now, in any case.

CONGRESS: Mmm...maybe not. Okay, probably not. Still, do you have to be so smug?

NRA: Sorry. We left our humility in our other pair of pants. Anything else?

CONGRESS: We may have to, uhh...you know...slow walk the Concealed Carry Reciprocity Act.

NRA: Et tu, Mitch?

CONGRESS: Hey! How do you think it would look if we passed a law allowing conceal permits from any state to be valid in all 50 states? People in New York and Los Angeles would have shit fits that they would be the next Vegas!

NRA: People in New York and Los Angeles don't vote Republican.

CONGRESS: Still. Look, we didn't say we wouldn't do it. We just need a little more time.

NRA: Do you even care about the Constitution? Or, for that matter, your campaign contributions?

CONGRESS: Fiiiiiine! We'll do what we can.

NRA: Anything else?

CONGRESS: Umm...not at the moment.

NRA: Great. Really, it's great working with you. If you have any more ideas, please don't hesitate to run them by us. After all, we're open to regulation...

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


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