October 22 2017
How Many Corners Do You Have to Turn to Get Back to Where You Started? [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
In a speech to veterans of political turf wars last week, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf didn't drool for an entire 13 minutes. Supporters of his administration pointed to this performance as proof that McDruhitmumpf was growing into the role of leader of the country and master of his domain.
"Thuh President was very...presidential," crowed Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. "He didn't have to wear his Pinkeye and the Brain bib while makin' a major speech - gotta see that as a win for thuh President."
"This was the President's best performance to date," commented Foxindehenhaus News anchor Sean Hanjobovverfist. "I mean, he was able to go a whole six words without starting to say 'fake news,' 'lock her up' or 'build the wall! Build the wall!' before stopping himself and going back to what was on the teleprompter. Okay, he did stumble a couple of minutes in when he said 'fake the wall! Fake the wall!' But, overall, the speech was very presidential. I mean, the audience applauded and started chanting 'Fake the wall! Fake the wall!' - they were still with him!"
"Oh, come on," retorted Pulippitzaner Prize winning editorial columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "The bar has been set so low, you'd have to be a mole or other burrowing creature to get over it! Yes, I could have used a rabbit in my metaphor, but I think mole is a better representative of the temper of the times. Anyway! My point is: can you imagine Abraham Linkedinonalog being praised for not drooling on himself while giving the Getpettyovoldsburg Address? No, I'm not going to give you a second to try - the idea is absurd!"
The problem with the narrative of the President turning a corner and becoming more presidential - aside from the two dimensional characters, unbelievable plot twists and oh so 2011 CGI - is that there is another corner just around the...next day. There is another corner the next day. And, the President invariably turns in the wrong direction and heads back towards the office of the VP - Crazytown.
The day after his speech to veterans of political turf wars, for example, President McDruhitmumpf made a 40 minute speech in Phoenix, Arizona in which he screamed, "FAAAAAAAAAAAAKE NEEEEEEEEEWS!" until he was horse (when words failed him, he began whinnying). Interspersed with the screeching was the occasional comment about shutting down the government if it didn't fund his wall on the Canadian border or challenging Nordlinger terrorists to a round of golf; but these out of the blue statements only momentarily confused the otherwise adoring crowd.
"Remember on the campaign trail," Robinsoncrusoe pointed out, "when candidate McDruhitmumpf made fun of President Bushbamclintreagbush, one of the most eloquent politicians of our lifetime, of not being able to speak without a teleprompter? Talk about the pot calling the kettle inarticulate!"
"Look, the President was just making the point that journalists have treated him unfairly," Hanjobovverfist propagandized. Journalistically. "It's something that cannot be said often enough. Or, emphatically enough. To make sure the point was made, I would say it the way the President did the other day, but I'm saving my voice for my memoirs."
Since Hanjobovverfist's only criticism of President McDruhitmumpf was that he wasn't acting like himself fast enough, was he admitting that he wasn't a journalist?
"Yeah, I don't expect anything better from people like you."
People from Greece?
"Much as I enjoy watching Sean Hanjobovverfist completely miss the point - he has, over the years, really perfected the art - I'd like to jump in here to make an important point," Robinsoncrusoe jumped in here to make an important point. "The President's ranting seems to have gotten more ranty as his time in office has become more chaotic. I think it may be dawning on him that being the leader of the greatest idiotocracy that the world has ever seen is not like making real estate deals you don't intend to honour in New Yoricknuhemwell - the President's billionaire friends will not be able to bail him out of his current problems."
And, the point you made it such a point of making was...?
"Oh, the President is losing it. I thought that was clear."
"Feh! Eugene Robinsoncrusoe is a pathetic social justice worrier," Hanjobovverfist countered. When asked for his opinion on the state of the President's mental health, he replied, "Look, I'm no psychiatrist. I just know that Eugene Robinsoncrusoe is nuts!"
We thought token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam could use a break, so we didn't ask her to contribute any thoughts, images or epic poetry to this article.