October 29, 2017
The Daily Me - Romolo Martemucci
Thank you, Romolo Martemucci, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the United States announced that it was considering reneging on the approximately $550 million that it owes the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO). This came as a big surprise to those who believe that the Trump administration is dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake regardless of where it might lead. All three of them. The rest of us were about as surprised as a eunuch at an insurance salesman's convention.
The Daily Me Staff
Taliban On The Run
The Taliban are denying that their soldiers (so loosely defined you'd think they were hiding an elephant in the word) raped the daughter and killed the wife of a captive they held in Afghanistan.
"We may create terror through acts of random violence," stated Taliban spokesperson Zabihullah Mujahid, "but we're not Hollywood executives!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
WHO Do They Think They Are?
After widespread shock and condemnation, the head of the World Health Organization said that he was "rethinking" his appointment of Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe as a "goodwill ambassador." Although Zimbabwe has a policy of universal health care which could be a model for Africa, decades of corruption under Mugabe has left the system in tatters.
"I would consider making him an ill-will ambassador instead," WHO Director General Tedros Ghebreyesus. "A negative example is still an example...right?"
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
Have You Met The Highly Inappropriate In Chief?
"If you want to go after General Kelly that's up to you but I think that if you want to get into a debate with a four-star Marine general, I think that's something highly inappropriate."
- White House Press Secretary Sarah Huackabee-Sanders
"I know more than the generals."
- candidate Donald Trump on dealing with ISIS
The Generals "don't know much because they're not winning."
- candidate Donald Trump on dealing with ISIS (again)
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
It Sounds Better If You Hear It With A Yellow-Haired Accent...
Especially If You Have Studied At Stanford University
SOURCE: T-dot ts
I'd Say He Was The White Martin Luther King, But Supporters Of Both Would Likely Object
Masuma Khan, an executive member of Dalhousie University's student union, is facing a disciplinary hearing after another student complained that her Facebook post claiming that Canada's 150th birthday was nothing to celebrate given that the country was founded on the genocide of natives was racist. Against whites.
"Specifically targeting 'white people' who celebrate Canada Day is blatant discrimination on the basis of skin colour and ancestry," complained Dalhousie history student Michael Smith. "Blatant discrimination in housing and jobs...unpunished violence against whites by police officers of colour...the cultural assumption that whites are criminals that leads to absurdities like 'driving while white' - honestly, haven't whites suffered enough?"
SOURCE: The Wryersonian Eyewash
They Represent At Least...Three People's Opinions!
Russian President Vladimir Putin has called a Canadian law that puts sanctions on the actions of gross governmental human rights violators an act of "anti-Russian hysteria." The law, which is analogous to the American Magnitsky Act, which targets Russia specifically, did not target Russia specifically, but, you know. Centre of the universe and all that.
"These are some very unconstructive political games over things which are, in essence, not what they look like, to be treated in such a way or to fuss about so much," Putin said. "And, if you don't believe what I am saying, you should listen to the thousands of Facebook accounts that agree with me!"
Disaster Tourism For Those Who Don't Want To Leave The Comfort Of Their Homes
EXT. PUERTO RICO STREET - DAY
Cute cartoons of Facebook CEO MARK ZUCKERBERG and Facebook virtual reality team member RACHEL FRANKLIN face the camera. Behind them, video footage of Hurricane Maria is clearly visible.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hi, everybody! I'm Mark!
RACHEL FRANKLIN: And, I'm Rachel!
ZUCKERBERG: And, we're here today in lovely...somewhere in Puerto Rico. I think it used to be a city - it's really hard to tell.
FRANKLIN: Do you know why we're here, Mark?
ZUCKERBERG: To help the victims of hurricane...whatever it's called?
FRANKLIN: You're such an idealist, Mark! No, we're here to talk about Facebook Spaces, an amazing new virtual reality app!
Behind the pair, a car flies through the air. Inside the car, a man is screaming in terror.
ZUCKERBERG: Virtual reality sure is amazing! It really feels like you're there, doesn't it, Rachel?
FRANKLIN: It sure does, Mark.
ZUCKERBERG: And, the great thing about feeling you're really in the scene is that when disasters like hurricanes strike somewhere, you can better empathize with people who are just trying to survive.
FRANKLIN: It's an empathy enhancer, really.
A LITTLE OLD LADY in a rocking chair flies through the background. She is holding a sign which reads: "HEEEEEEELP!"
ZUCKERBERG: Increasing bandwidth has allowed us to create a fully immersive 3-D video representation of various places in the world. Until recently, there was nothing like it in the history of technology!
FRANKLIN: And, this helps us with empathy because it allows us to be fully surrounded by other realities?
ZUCKERBERG: No, it's just great technology. Although, I suppose that, now that you mention it, that too...
A startled cow flies through the background.
FRANKLIN: (to herself) Where have I seen that before?
ZUCKERBERG: Wanna see the moon? That's really neat! Rachel, let's go visit the moon!
Don't Take That Sucker Bettman
The National Hockey League is all in a tizzy.
It's not just that Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi opposed giving the league $500 million for a new arena for the Calgary Flames. It's that the NHL threw every high stick and elbow that it had at his reelection campaign, and he had the nerve to still manage to win!
"This - this - this is...outrageous!" hyperventilated NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "I mean - I mean - I mean, what about Bombardier? The Quebec government gave them over a billion dollars to develop a plane that will be made in Alabama for the profit of an American company! And, making planes isn't even Canada's national sport! I tell you, if Calgary doesn't come around - and, I mean, soon - we're going to move the Calgary Flames to Quebec City and, if we get the money from the provincial government for an arena that we so richly deserve, we'll relocate the team to Beijing! That will teach that mean old Mayor of Calgary!"
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report