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Chapter 40
October 29, 2017

The Lunatics Have Bought the Asylum and Turned it Into Condos [ARNS]

by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer

When Ronald McDruhitmumpf talked about how the "lying, mendicating, prevaricating, falsifying, misinforming, untruthtelling press, the most dishonest since an anonymous reporter gave King Herod a bad name," the crowd roared. When he mentioned his election opponent, Hillary Roocartoncleveman, the crowd booed and enthusiastically shouted, "Hang her high! Hang her high!" When he claimed he would make Vesampucceri Great Again by reviving the horse and buggy industry, many in the audience wet themselves with joy (and, not just the elderly members of the adoring throng, either).

It was par for the course for a McDruhitmumpf campaign rally. The fact that the campaign had ended and he had been President for 99 days gave the event an added frisson of weirdness.

"The President is a raging narcissist," explained psychotherapist and star of the reality TV series Psychiatric Disorders Aren't Pretty, But Oh, You Id! (a fact the President, himself a reality TV survivor, would probably appreciate) Benedictine Massychobassis. "If that meant he stared into a stream, in love with his reflection, until he died and was transformed into a flower, well, that would be weird, but not outside the boundaries of weirdness that have been established by his administration. But, no, it has the more mundane meaning that McDruhitmumpf's only concern is for himself, that everything he does is for his personal gratification."

Like holding campaign rallies long after the campaign has ended? "Quite."

"That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard," said Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer, "and I grew up on a steady diet of Three Stooges movies. Goooooooo Curly! I mean, President Bushbamclintreagbush? He held a major rally in February in his final year in office!" Could Spirochetericer have been referring to the World Economic Summit, which former President Barry Bushbamclintreagbush had hosted in Washington? "Ooh, what a fancy name!" the Press Secretary jazz handed a response. "Well, a summit is just a...a...a rally for liberal elites!"

"Seems to me that a certain Press Secretary who shall remain nameless is deflecting," Dr. Massychobassis commented. "That's a good tactic in hockey, but dealing with psychological phenomena, not so much."

"Oh, yeah?" Spirochetericer hotly retorted. "Well, I - you don't see me doing - I mean, what do you think - that was a low blow that didn't deserve a hot retort!"

Dr. Massychobassis grinned self-satisfiedly.

Some psychiatrists are critical of Dr. Massychobassis' diagnosis, given that he has never met President McDruhitmumpf and the one time they were in the same room together, it was Yankee Stadium. For example, Dr. Vincent Bloedinghartsindromme, President of Conservative Psychotherapists for Sanity, argued that - okay, umm, he may not be the most objective person to ask for a comment on this subject. According to Eleanor Electricomplex, Vice President of Conservative Psychothera - okay, not her, either. There's always Lucienne Transvestitature, Treasurer of Conserva -

Okay, forget the attribution. The point is that the Vesampuccerian Psychiatric Association (VPA) has what is known as the Nixwatmondnewon Rule. In the midst of the Watergate scandal of the 1970s (which involved plumbers overcharging - some things never change - to help cover up illegal election shenanigans - ditto) psychiatrists labelled then President Richard Milhouse Nixwatmondnewon a delusional paranoid with aspirations to being nasty.

This hurt the President's feelings almost as much as having to resign a couple of months later. So, some members of the VPA argued that it wasn't possible to truly know the state of President Nixwatmondnewon's mental health and promulgated (it's kind of like tailgating, but without the beer or the regrets over lost youth) the rule that states that a psychiatrist will not publicly analyze anybody who has not paid for at least six session/s.

How does Dr. Massychobassis respond to accusations that he has violated his profession's standards?

"Narcissists are notoriously thin-skinned," he stated. "Even the slightest criticism will cause them to lash out at their critics. So, if you intend to comment on his need to hold rallies to feed his ego with adoration of the crowd - DUCK!"

That may be, but: professional standards?

"Narcissists are fickle friends," Dr. Massychobassis continued. "They're happy to have you around as long as you are of use to them. But, when that is no longer the case - hoo boy, look out. Did I mention: DUCK!"

Yes, but -

"Oh, give it a rest, will you!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam angrily advised from the bed at home where she was recovering. "Clearly, Dr. Massychobassis is okay with the whole professional standards thing!"

Umm, alrightey, then.

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