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Chapter 41
November 5, 2017

The Daily Me - Fliegbort the Unimpressed

Thank you, Fliegbort the Unimpressed, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a squabble between American air force bases over which had a better fleet resulted in an official air force tweet that if the bases couldn't get along, Santa would "bring you nothing this year because he isn't real!" Talk about holiday creep! We haven't got to the end of debunking the myth of the Great Pumpkin for Halloween, and we're already starting to argue about Santa Claus? Honestly, how are our enemies supposed to take our bombing raids seriously if our military can't even keep our holidays straight‽

The Daily Me Staff

We're With Fliegbort On This One

Letterist L. G. Eaglesham, writing about Quebec's law banning the wearing of the Niqab in public, wrote, "The head and facial coverings worn by (some) Muslim women have their origins in male dictate and are a forceful symbol of female subjugation." How is passing a law in largely male dictate forcing (some) Muslim women not to wear the head and facial coverings better?

Eaglesham responded, "Because it is a forceful symbol of female emancipation!"

SOURCE: Women' s Wear Daily Worker


God Only Buys A Single Ticket - Mark Should Be Hoping For The Forgiveness Of Audiences!

Mark Wahlberg has said that he hopes god will forgive him for portraying a porn star in the 1997 film Boogie Nights, saying that he had made "some poor choices" in the past. Seriously? If he wants god's forgiveness for anything, it should be his most recent Transformers movie!

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database


"Be A Shame If Something Happened To It...Be A Real Shame If It...Broke. If It Just...Broke."

Spain has imposed direct rule on Catalonia, which recently held a referendum in which its population demanded independence, firing its elected president and calling for new elections on December 21. Since the referendum, the Spanish economy has slowed, with as many as 1,300 business considering moving out of Catalonia; civil disobedience is not unexpected.

"Democracy," Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin marvelled. "It is so...fragile..."

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore


Contempt For Journalists - The Next Generation

President Donald Trump was surrounded yesterday by a dozen costumed moppets, children of journalists who cover the White House, to celebrate Halloween. Between giving out candy and encouraging the skittish children to come closer, President Trump joked, "You're so well behaved - are you sure those are your parents?"

When the press suggested that this was awkward and inappropriate, a front page article on the Breitbart Web site claimed that there was evidence that the children were actually refugees who had been paid by George Soros to pretend to be children of members of the White House press corps. "Do any members of the press corps look like Princess Leia?" the "news" site asked. "Clearly, these children were bused in from a galaxy far, far away!"

SOURCE: Down to the Newswire


If Homicide Cases Were Closed At That Rate, Right Wing Heads Would Explode At An Alarming Rate

#1 issue for legal reform) Only one in five sex assault cases go to court. What happens to the other 80 per cent of cases? a) they're Weinsteined away
b) the case files were kept in sexually provocative folders, so there was no way that a jury would take them seriously
c) patriarchy

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles


In Some Jurisdictions, A Bid Of Seven No Trump Could Get You A Prison Term Of Five To 20 Years

A European Union court has ruled that bridge is not a sport for purposes of being exempt from paying a value added tax. This means that British players will have to pay tax on entry fees to bridge tournaments.

"There was a point when bridge was a full contact sport," pointed out Ollie Stodgison, President of Leeds' Goren's Gorer's Bridge Club. "Unfortunately, some prominent players were accused of cheating by signalling bids to their partners by what form of violence they chose. A left hook to the jaw meant 'bid two hearts,' a knee to the groin meant 'pass,' and so on. To preserve the purity of the game, the World Bridge Federation had to ban physical contact over the table. There's always a few who spoil it for the rest of us, isn't there?"

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report


The Ministry of Heritage Should Put Out A Fascinating Food Guide

The federal government's new Canada's Food Guide appears set to encourage the consumption of plant-based foods while deemphasizing the need for red meat and dairy. This has not sat well with officials at Agriculture and Agri-Food Canada, which lobbies on behalf of the meat and dairy industries. So AAFC (which would more appropriately be called AAC, the sound many people make when they have a heart attack) has decided to publish its own guide.

The Canada's Agriculture and Agri-Food Guide will reemphasize the need for eating red meat and drinking white milk. "Red meat gives you, umm, iron. Yes. Lots and lots of iron," an early draft of the guide says. "And, anyway, it's soooooooo tasty! Who could possibly live without it?"

Not to be outdone, the Ministry of Natural Resources will also release a food guide. Their version will make the claim that a cup of refined crude oil a day is part of a nutritional breakfast.

Other ministries within the government are looking at developing their own food guides. How far along they are depends upon their chutzpah...and the desperation of the constituencies they represent.

SOURCE: The Irrational


They Could Get Up Again If An Asteroid Turns Them Into Zombies
But, Uhh, Otherwise, Your Point Is Well Taken

Can we please, PLEASE, PLEASE stop calling soldiers who have died in battle "fallen?" They didn't just trip over their shoelaces and land on a bullet! They were killed. This isn't a matter of a soldier shouting, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" They're dead! They're not getting up again! They have not been lead into temptation and lost their innocence - well, not by simply dying. I - I can't say anything about what their state of grace was before they died. And, anyway, that's beside the point! The point is that, unless a soldier has been killed after being pushed out of a window on the 37th floor of a skyscraper, they shouldn't be called "fallen." Dead. Killed. Murdered. Massacred (if appropriate). Not fallen.

For a military nation, our refusal to acknowledge the reality of war is weird.

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page


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