November 12, 2017
The Daily Me - turnyourhead&cofveve.edu
Thank you, turnyourhead&cofveve.edu, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, somebody on the radio said that if the government was so concerned about climate change, why do we still turn our clocks back an hour? The person argued those who were trying to use an alternate source were stymied because this gave solar panels an hour less daylight. At first, we wholeheartedly agreed. "Yeah!" we pumped our fists in their air. "Damn daylight savings time, stealing sunlight from people with solar panels!" But, the more we thought about it, the more we developed a nagging suspicion that there was a flaw in that reasoning, somewhere, that there was definitely something not quite right, there. If only we could put our fingers on what it was. Unfortunately, it was only four o'clock, but it was already dark outside, so we weren't sure where our fingers even were!
The Daily Me Staff
Turtles Can Fake Innocence Better Than Just About Any Other Reptile
In the three weeks since the Las Vegas massacre, almost 900 Americans have been killed by gun violence. The most recent slayings were a domestic murder-suicide in Wiscon -
"Please," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "That just happened - it's too soon to say anything about it."
But, given how many people die of gun violence every single day, if we don't talk about it for fear of politicizing the latest shooting, we'll never have the opportunity to address the issue!
"Oh," McConnell blinked rapidly. "I hadn't really thought of it that way. But, now that you mention it..."
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
It's Like The Scene In Monty Python And The Holy Grail With The Three Headed Knight, Only 33% More Annoying
INT. IRRATIONAL SET - DAY
IAN HANOMANSING: Welcome to The irrational. Our top story tonight -
ROSEMARY BARTON: (over him) Washington tax breaks - are they really tax brokens?
ANDREW CHANG: (at the same time) Sexual impropriety in Los Angeles - would it be easier to list who wasn't involved?
ADRIENNE ARSENAULT: (at the same time) Breach of trust charges have been dropped against former Ontario civil servants, giving taxpayers gas!
HANOMANSING: ...and a baby's arm holding an apple.
ARSENAULT: (chuckling) Opening night jitters.
BARTON: (grinning; at the same time) Gotta work out some kinks.
CHANG: (at the same time) Henh - we all have strong opinions.
HANOMANSING: (smiling; at the same time) Well, that happened.
BARTON: I -
CHANG: (at the same time) We -
HANOMANSING: (at the same time) It's -
ARSENAULT: (at the same time) The -
LONG PAUSE. Everybody looks at everybody else, uncertain what to do. Eventually, the lights on the set dim.
ANNOUNCER: (over) Four anchors. One newscast. What did you expect would happen?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
When It Was Pointed Out That His Neighbours Had Lived There For Decades, The Man Replied, "So, I Was A Little Slow. Is There A Statute Of Limits On Community Spirit?"
A Nebraska man has been sentenced to four years in prison for paying prostitutes to strip on his neighbour's front porch. As many as 75 times.
In his defense, he argued, "Has nobody ever heard of a welcoming committee? Hello! Some people bring pies to their new neighbours, I send prostitutes. Why so many? I never got a thank you card. Would it have killed them to send me a thank you card? Really? I tell you, this is why nobody wants to live in the suburbs any more!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
One Person's Heraitor Is Another Person's Traitero
Remember when White House Chiefs of Staff stayed out of the spotlight, quietly going about the business of making sure the president didn't tweet anything inane in the middle of the night and information embarrassing to the government didn't leak faster than a gutted teenager on Elm Street? Donald Trump's Chief of Staff John Kelly sure doesn't. Whether it's lying about a black Congresswoman or praising traitors to the United States of America, he seems quite happy to survey the chaos in the White House and see if he can find some way to add to it.
Robert E. Lee wasn't a traitor to his country, according to Kelly, he was a hero to his state. By that logic, the 40 per cent of southerners, including many of Lee's closest relatives, who fought against the South weren't heroes to their country, they were traitors to their state. Hmm. Maybe we need a new term to describe such people, a compromise of the two points of view. How about...heraitors?
That's what could have averted the Civil War - the spirit of compromise! The south could have agreed to only own slaves on weekends, for example. The north could have agreed to accept whippings as long as slave owners didn't pour vinegar into the wounds (as "honourable man" Lee was known to do - can you imagine his howls if he had been presented with that compromise?). Hard to see how the two sides could compromise on lynching (hang every second black man and merely shoot the others?), but, then, I'm not a retired General, so I clearly don't have the right way of looking at the problem.
Remember when John Kelly was one of the adults in the room who was supposed to moderate the craziness of President Trump? Apparently, John Kelly doesn't, either.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
Or, They May Have Said, "...We Should Bang Our Heads On Our Desks Until All Feeling Goes Away!"
There's A Little Static On The Tape, So It's Hard To Tell...
Last week, we asked readers what they thought the phrase Allahu akbar meant. Here are some of their responses:
"Does this suicide vest make my ass look fat?" Mimi von MacMuffin
"We're coming for your children and you won't see us coming, so you might as well just cower in your dens with your violent video games and fatty foods because you can't sto - yeah, I know it's only two words, but, goddam, those are powerful fightin' words!" T-Bird Triumphalist
"It's 2017 and Infidels are scared!" Riuichi McPhaedran
From this exercise, we learned a valuable lesson: the next time we get the urge to ask our readers anything, we should bang our heads on our desks until the feeling goes away!"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer