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Chapter 43
November 19, 2017

The Daily Me - A Cruller Fate Web Series

Thank you, A Cruller Fate Web Series, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about Environment Minister Catherine McKinnon confronting a rebel for The Rebel, demanding that the publication stop calling her "Climate Barbie." Bad move - directly confronting them only makes them repeat whatever you object to louder and more often. We would suggest fighting fire with fire, referring to publisher Ezra Levant as Racist, Sexist, Homophobic Know-nothing Ken, and reminding him, as loudly and often as possible, of why it is impossible for Ken to have children...

The Daily Me Staff

The Justice Community Was None Too Impressed, Either

In the aftermath of the [INSERT LOCATION HERE] mass shooting which caused [INSERT NUMBER HERE] deaths and [INSERT NUMBER HERE] injuries, the White House has vowed to take action on massacres.

"You call the deaths of [INSERT NUMBER HERE] people a massacre?" President Donald Trump complained. "Please! That's not a massacre! Everybody knows that's not a massacre! I could walk down Wall Street in New York and shoot [INSERT NUMBER HERE] people and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not a massacre. A fake massacre. Now, if I shot a hundred people...they'd probably give me a medal! Ha! But, no, seriously, if we want to take gun violence seriously, we need to take the ways we describe it seriously. So, I call upon Mitch McConnell - I have a great relationship with Mitch, so I know he'll listen - Mitch McConnell and the rest of Congress should pass a law defining massacre as the killing of more than...I don't know...137 people. We'll call it the Truth in Massacring Act. Sound good? Okay."

The linguistic community was aghast.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


The Only Place You Can Appropriately Masturbate In Front Of A Female Co-worker Is On The Set Of A Porn Movie

Comedian Louis C.K. has admitted that the allegations that he inappropriately masturbated in front of female co-workers are true. Reaction to the admission was swift and fierce.

"Is he out of his mind‽" shouted Roy Moore, the Republican candidate for an Alabama Senate seat in next month's special election. "You never admit to shit like that! Who are his lawyers? Does he even have lawyers? If he has lawyers, he should sue them for malpractice! Because, they've given him really shitty advice!"

"Louis C.K. has betrayed the brotherhood of celebrity accused sexual predators," angrily accused film mogul Harvey Weinstein. "He could have shown his solidarity with us by denying all of the allegations like a normal person, and accusing his accusers of lying, but no! He always did things his own way! Well, let me tell you, there will be repercussions! Louis C.K. is going to regret his rash and selfish actions!"

"Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it," said actor Kevin Spacey. "In case you hadn't noticed, I've got my own problems!"

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now


The Centre Of Attention Cannot Hold

Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has used the release of the Paradise Papers to arrest many senior government officials and businesspeople in his country, including members of the Saudi royal family, on the pretext of corruption. This has allowed MBS, as the Crown Prince is known, to modernize some aspects of the Saudi economy and even its social structures in moves that are believed to be the boldest in -

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," responded United States President Donald Trump, "biggest, boldest, blah blah blah! I'm in Asia, you know. Meeting with the Chinese Premier. And, guess what? We had a long talk about China's unfair trade practices, which, believe me, are really unfair, and we agreed on a number of things. I didn't know that we could ever agree on anything! That is big and bold world leadership! What's happening in Saudi Arabia is...fake news!"

MBS, which has supported the Yemen government against the Iranian proxy Houthi rebels, causing massive death and destruction in that country, is now considering entering the even more fraught Lebanon to fight against Iranian-backed Hezbollah. His moves are looking more and more like a consolidation of power, both within Saudi Arabia and in the Middle East more genera -

"Yeah, I got one word for you," interrupted President Trump. Again. "Tax reform. We are reforming the shit out of our tax system! You know, to make it fairer and stuff. When we're done with reform, the tax system is gonna be cross-eyed and painless. Tax reform, baby - everybody knows it's much more important than any old wars in the Middle East! I mean, they're always having wars in the Middle East, but when was the last time -"

Do you mind? We're trying to have an adult conversation about world politics, here.

"Tch! Call yourself a newspaper‽" President Trump grumped.

SOURCE: The Baghdad Post


Oh, Say Can You IOC?

The International Olympic Committee has imposed life bans on four Russian cross-country skiers for using performance enhancing drugs; that makes six banned Russians, with 20 more cases still to be investigated. In response, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that this was a scandal orchestrated by the United States in order to sway next year's Russian elections.

The absurd ironyometer wished that it was a sports fan so that it could be properly disgusted by the President's audacity. For one moment. Then it realized that it didn't have to become a sports fan to be disgusted by Putin's antics: there were plenty enough to choose from.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page


On The Other Side Of The Issue, Gwyneth Paltrow Pouted

In a speech to the Canadian Science Conference in Ottawa, Governor-General Julie Payette discussed her belief in the central role of scientific literacy "to make informed decisions based on data, evidence and facts that can be corroborated by other people everywhere on the planet so that we all feel responsible for the world we live in." In the speech, Payette decried the pseudoscience that contributed to the rejection of vaccinations, the embrace of astrology and climate change denial.

Reaction to the speech was swift and fierce.

"You go, girl!" said Sir Issac Newton. "Don't take no crap from no science illiterate homies!"

"But, what is reality?" responded Plato. "Is there an objectifiable reality on which we can all agree, or is reality a mere construct of the mi -"

"Oh, don't listen to that old fuddy duddy!" Albert Einstein responded back. "He's just upset that he's been dead longer than we have. Keep fighting the good fight!"

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian


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