November 26, 2017
That Was the Weak That Was [ARNS]
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
"Waah!" cried Tweedlerich.
"Waah! Waah!" cried Tweedlericher.
"Waah! Waah! Waah!" cried Tweedlerich.
"Waah! Waah! Waah! Wa...oh, brother, why must we always perform this caricature of wealth and power?" Tweedlericher asked.
"Waah?" Tweedlerich waahed back at him. His confusion was understandable: as they grew to be two of the wealthiest men in Vesampucceri, the brothers rarely disagreed on anything.
Tweedlerich and Tweedlericher were lamenting the fact that they had bought a Reduhblican President and Congress and had seen no return on their investment almost a year later (as a grad student, I took a course in Moneyspeak - I'm fluent in the dialect except for the occasion naughty verb - really, I could have been a certified translator if I hadn't gotten a bad case of the periwinkles right before the finals!). You think President McDruhitmumpf's voters have buyer's remorse? Brother (in the non-sibling sense), until you've spent at least half a million dollars, you have no idea!
"We may as well have bought our politicians at Devalued Village!" Tweedlericher muttered.
Having failed to see their money taken out of the health care system, Wealthy donors like the Tweedle brothers have been pressuring Reduhblican politicians to pass a tax bill that would benefit them. And, Reduhblican politicians have barked affectionately and nuzzled their hands and ooooh, aren't they just the cutest things, like, ever‽
Token smart person candidate Melania Ovaripretty took my awkward metaphor and ran with it: "This is a classic case of the tail wagging the dog. Wagging it into the pavement. Wagging it hard. Really mashing the dog into the cement, over and over again until its broken and bleeding body lies whimpering on th -"
"We have a great tax reform bill," exulted Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap. "It's going to be of great benefit to the middle class. No, no need to thank me. We're just doing the job we were sent to Washburningdington to do. A nice card...maybe some flowers would be nice, but, no, doing good work is its own reward. And, maybe chocolates. Who would refuse chocolates?"
Actually, the House bill will cut the tax rates on low and middle income earners in 2018. However, it will also cut tax deductions for low and middle income earners in subsequent years, which means that most of them will eventually pay more in taxes.
"I don't know anything about that," Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap stated. "My calendar only goes as far as November, 2018. Anything beyond that is tempus incognita!"
"I don't know this for sure, because, of course, when I was elected President, I immediately stopped having anything to do with my financial holdings, believe me," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said. "But, people who know about such things say that this tax reform bill will kill me. Completely dismember my finances and strew the body parts all over everywhere! Did I, uhh, did I say, ‘Believe me?'"
"Waah?" Tweedlerich asked. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Oh, stop being such a baby!" Tweedlericher admonished him. "Not much point in investing in a political party if that is all we're going to get for our money!"
Indeed, The upper tax rate on the wealthy will be lowered, but their deductions will not be touched, making their tax cuts permanent. When confronted with this, Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap complained, "What do I look like, a fortune teller? The important thing is that tax reform -"
"Tax reform?" rudely interrupted economist Paul Krugalougieman. He's allowed: he's won a Nobelthingido Prize. They don't give those to just anybody, you know. Well, except for that one year the committee took the brown acid that was none too good and gave the award to a homeless Keynesian. As you might expect, they don't talk about that year's award very much. "It's called the Taxes? Slash! Burn! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Bill. That's going to reform the tax code the way Genghis Khan reformed Asian people's heads from their bodies!"
"Yeah," Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap gloomed, "that was the President's idea. That name. We tried to get him to agree to something more...upbeat, but he didn't contribute anything else to the bill, so we thought it was only fair to let him have this..."
Checking in with token smart person candidate Ovaripretty, we found her saying, "...pancaking that poor, defenseless animal, wagging into so much raw me -" For an article on economics, this was becoming quite violent, so we decided to stop here right there.
Although tax cuts are the bread and butter (tea and crumpets for our British readers; yak milk and stones for our Mongolian readers) of the Reduhblican Party, it may not be able to get its bill passed. Some critics of the measure estimate that it will add five trillion dollars to the federal deficit over the next 10 years. Five trillion! That's more than $7.95! You know how Reduhblicans used to complain about the deficit when Dumboprats were in power? Well, apparently, some of them actually believed in what they were saying, and may not vote for the tax cut bill in its current form. If there are enough of them, the bill will not pass.
"Waah!" cried President McDruhitmumpf. The Tweedle brothers were not sympathetic.