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Chapter 44
November 26, 2017

What the Heck Do You Know Doesn't Like the Tone of Your Voice -
Keep This Up and It Will Have to Ask You to Step Outside

1) When did businesses become the bad guy? a) 1929
b) 2008
c) the first time a CEO laid off people to boost his stock options (to be reinforced every time since)
d) when were businesses ever the good guy? Outside of an Ayn Rand novel, I mean...

2) Why won't Trump condemn hate? a) it's his favourite emotion
b) it's his base's favourite emotion
c) he's too busy complaining about how George Soros is behind the Chinese conspiracy to destroy the American economy by promoting the global warming hoax - don't interrupt him, because he really hates that!

3) Where has all of our empathy gone? a) they now manufacture our empathy in China, and they're doing a lousy job of it, you ask me! Still, you get what you pay for...
b) we left it in the back of the fridge too long, and it turned into a puddle of rancid racial animosity
c) it went on vacation in the south of France some time in the 1980s and hasn't been heard from since

4) What does what some Hollywood agents refer to as "fat flavour of the month" mean? a) the richest ice cream you can get on Sunset Boulevard
b) this week's special at Encino's Six Degrees of Lard...aration
c) Hollywood can be a disgusting place

5) Is Canada facing a new financial crisis? a) absolutely! You need to change up your financial crises every so often to keep the whole economy thing fresh
b) absolutely not! A crisis implies that somebody actually cares enough to do something about it (see question 3)
c) naah - we're not innovative enough to create our own financial crises (see question 1)

6) How seriously are Canadian investors taking cyberthreats? a) not very - you could say they have their heads in the cloud...
b) not much - their idea of the height of security is a password that is the word "password" with three random digits tacked onto the end
c) not a lot - they don't really care if somebody threatens Siberia - it's not like they have any investments there or anything

7) Does colon cleansing wipe out our gut microbiome? a) yes
b) no
c) ewww!

8) In Afghanistan, can Trump win where Obama couldn't? a) sure...just as soon as he is told where it is on the map...repeatedly, until it finally sinks in...and somebody gives him a strategy...repeatedly, until it finally sinks in...and the strategy actually ends the war to America's advantage
b) if by "winning" you mean pulling all of America's troops out of the country without achieving any of the goals the war was supposed to achieve (whatever they might have been), then, yeah, sure, sure he can
c) if by "winning" you mean pulling all of America's troops out of the country having achieved some ambiguous victories while assuring that new terrorist organizations will rise to take the old ones' place, then, yeah, hell yeah he can

9) How do you know when it's time to leave your job? a) when co-workers post Dilbert cartoons on the office fridge with his name scratched out and your name penned in. In red ink. Underlined three times...
b) when a moat filled with piranhas mysteriously appears around your desk overnight and nobody is willing to take credit for it
c) when your annual review takes place on a firing range

10) In response to Russia's demand that the United States drastically cut its diplomatic staff in that country, the United States has given Moscow 48 hours to shut its San Francisco consulate. Soon after the demand, black smoke could be seen coming out of the consulate. "It was not unintentional. They were burning something," the San Francisco Fire Department claimed. Why, whatever could they have been burning? a) Russian President Vladimir Putin's dream of a pliant puppet in the White House
b) United States President Donald Trump's dream of a tower with his name on it in Moscow
c) Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller's patience

11) The Canadian Border Services Agency has begun sharing information about who crosses the border with the American Homeland Security Agency. According to CBSA, it "takes privacy seriously." What has it done to prove this assertion? a) it got a note from the HSA which reads, "Oh, yeah. Your agency - whaddya call it? CBASS? CBABS? CCRABS? BASIC? - whatever. They're a bunch o' freakin' Boy Scouts - do you even have Boy Scouts in your heathen country? Yeah, whatever. Listen, you don't come to our country, you got no problem with yer freakin' privacy - capisce?"
b) it burned the note from the HSA and prayed that the public would never find out about it
c) what do you mean, what has it done to prove the assertion that it takes privacy seriously? it certainly hasn't shared any information with you, has it‽

12) No charges will be brought against five sailors who call themselves "Proud Boys" who disrupted a Mi'kmaq ceremony in downtown Halifax. According to Rear Admiral John Newton, they are on some kind of probation as punishment for their actions and, "If they fail...they are gone. This is not lightweight punishment." Match the failure with the punishment. a) racism
b) creating a public nuisance
c) bringing disrepute to Canada's armed forces

i) a slap on the wrist
ii) a wink and a nod
iii) throw the evil bastards in the brig for the rest of their lives, the only entertainment they are allowed to watch being endless reruns of The Poseidon Adventure! If that isn't a deterrent to future naval miscreants...!

13) An Ontario man who claims to have a licence to use medical marijuana has protested outside a Cambridge police department in nothing but running shoes and a pair of briefs, demanding that they return his confiscated weed and bong. How is this protest supposed to get him his stuff back? a) would you want a barely clad skinny, pasty drug user standing outside of your workplace? Pretty distracting, right? You'd do anything he asked just to get some work done!
b) when the temperature drops low enough, he will be mistaken for a member of the Blue Man Group, and the Chief is a sucker for performance art
c) this was supposed to get him his stuff back? I thought it performance art!

14) Until what age do kids need supervision? a) 7
b) 17
c) 57 (but, uhh, we're willing to admit that we may be being a little overprotective, here)

15) What should I do if I have scheduled a vacation in an area that is about to be hit by a tornado? a) pack extra underwear and a full bottle of febreze
b) avoid watching any instalment of the Sharknado series for at least two weeks prior to leaving
c) consult with Cameras for Dumbasses on the optimal distance from the funnel to stay to get the best video for your YahooTube channel

16) Are the rich paying their fair share? a) yes - if they paid any more, they wouldn't be able to afford to buy the politicians who will be giving them massive tax breaks, and who wants to live in a world like that?
b) no - the rich don't share, fairly or otherwise
c) maybe - how much are they willing to pay for their fair share of my opinion on whether or not they are paying their fair share?

17) When is a banker not a banker? a) when he's a triple-breasted pucebird of Paradise Papers
b) when you want to close your account - then, she's Scrooge with an attitude
c) bankers are never bankers - they're just a figment of Thomas Pynchon's imagination

18) You've just started your new job and it isn't working for you. What's your next step? a) the boss' toes
b) the CEO's toes
c) being on red alert for signs that you're about to be fired (see question 9)

19) Who is the new man in Celine Dion's life? a) Super Mario (she's been hitting the computer games pretty hard)
b) Dirk Gently (she's been hitting the cable TV pretty hard)
c) Archibald Festrunk. Don't know who Archibald Festrunk is? Why don't you ask me? Go ahead. Ask me who Archibald Festrunk is!

20) Is it cheating if no one cares? a) yes - the person who cheats on their spouse is the kind of person who would cheat on their diet, their taxes and their eye tests
b) ask the IOC

no, seriously, ask them - I have no idea
c) is it answering if I don't care?
d) other

19) Who is the new man in Celine Dion's life? d) you're no fun!

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