November 26, 2017
Bad Vibrations [ARNS]
by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex/Scandal Writer
Betty-Lou Bibialowski couldn't understand why her husband Bardello had taken her vibrator and was about to throw it into a car compactor. "Hey, I use that!" she shouted. "And, anyway, isn't a car compactor overkill? A trash compactor not visual enough for you? The garburator in the kitchen too plebeian?"
"It's unVesampuccerian!" Bardello Bibialowski shouted back.
"No, it isn't!" Betty-Lou Bibialowski retorted. Shoutingly. "It's a Major Tingly with six settings and adjustable head! It's as Vesampuccerian as apple pudding! My mother used that vibrator! And, her mother before her! That sex toy was a hairloom!"
This was no ordinary family argument about an instrument of sexual pleasure. For Bardello Bibialowski, it was a
political family argument about an instrument of sexual pleasure.
The company that manufactures the vibrator in question, Opalescent Occidental Hooha, Inc., has announced that it is pulling all of its advertising from the Sean Hanjobovverfist Show on Foxindehenhaus News. "Umm, yeah," an OOH, Inc. press release bashfully stated, "we love Sean, but his support for accused child molester Roy Moorepowertooya, weeelllll, it's kind of the opposite of the pleasure we'd like to think our products give people, you know?"
"Let's not jump to conclusions, here," Hanjobovverfist, hastily getting to his feet, cautioned on his show when the allegations against Moorepowertooya first surfaced last week. "In this country, you're innocent until you're proven guilty in a court of law. Unless you're Hillary Roocartoncleveman, of course. That goes without saying. Or, Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush. If anybody didn't deserve the presumption of innocence...! Or, Bernie Macsandbinoffman. Or, George Sorobororos,. Or...or...or anybody who has ever been a Dumboprat, voted for a Dumboprat or watched a movie starring or made by any west coast liberal. But, uhh, other than that, innocent until proven guilty is the way this country works!"
Across the country, men have compacted, flame throwered and, in one memorable case that should be highly entertaining when it reaches the courts, fed OOH, Inc. vibrators to a gorilla in a zoo. Why have they singled out OOH, Inc. rather than Fellow Travellers Checks, Web site fakerealtor.com, Nature's Chemicals or any of the other close to a dozen advertisers that have pulled their business from Hanjobovverfist's show?
"Oh, I can make a pretty good guess," offerred token smart person candidate Jennifer Stefadopolous. "It has to do with genitalia...a particular gender's genitalia - do I have to draw you an anatomically correct map? Or, do you just want me to make a guess? I got a good one!"
Many of the Hanjobovverfist supporters made videos of the rage they directed at OOH, Inc.'s sex toys. One man tried to smash it to pieces on a marble countertop; instead, the marble shattered, sending a large slab crashing down onto his foot. Undaunted, if newly limpy, he smashed the vibrator against a wall, only to put a hole in the plaster. In rapid succession, he destroyed: a chair, a bird cage, a dresser, a second chair, a table lamp, a filing cabinet, a third chair and a metal wire sculpture of a baby's arm holding an apple. In frustration, he tried to break the vibrator with his teeth; the video ends with the man being taken to the hospital for emergency dental surgery.
Hanjobovverfist has taken the high road by personally attacking one of the leaders of the boycott, Media Matters President Angelo Carusharusone. "He obviously hates gays. That much, I can tell y - what? He's gay? Oh. Well. Doesn't matter. This so-called journalistic watchdog hates Jews. That much is ob - what? His partner of 14 years is Jewish? Dammit! Can I say that he...he...he's a lousy dancer? Anybody wanna challenge that? No? Good. Well, he is a terrible, terrible dancer. Naturally, this disqualifies anything he might say about Roy Moorepowertooya, me or sex toys!"
As often happens, sales of the product the right wing is attempting, with mixed success, to destroy have increased. "You could almost zay zales have tumesced," my good friend sex therapist Doctor Ruth Westfrankenheimer joshed with a twinkle in her eye.
"But, zeriously," she went on to say, "ve know zat Dumboprats already own ze majority of sex toys in zis country, including vibrators, dildos and magic cubes. Vat ve are seeing here is ze so-called ‘veekend vibrator' phenomenon. Zat is when a woman buys a second device to use ven she wants to try somezing a little different, maybe a little exotic, yes?" Doctor Ruth explained that while women often give their regular vibrators mundane names such as Ralph, Waldo or Doctor Buttquencher, weekend vibrators are often given unique names like Flower of the Mall, Bobby Sixshooter and Joseph, The Technicolour Dream Catcher.
That fact has nothing to do with the article, but it tickled my fancy. Was it good for you?
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