November 26, 2017
The Daily Me - Ezra Livent
Thank you, Ezra Livent, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, former Mexican President Vicente Fox urged Justin Trudeau not to abandon NAFTA, which includes Mexico, for a bilateral trade deal with the United States. He warned Trudeau not to be a Judas. He needn't have worried. When it comes to that story, Trudeau has always seen himself in a more leading role.
The Daily Me Staff
You Know What They Say: If You Look Around The Writers' Room And You Can't Identify The Person Who Has Had Their Last 147 Sketch Ideas Rejected - The Woman Is Probably You
INT. WEEKEND RELAPSE SET - NIGHT
ANCHOR: Senator Al Franken has been accused of sexual misconduct with Leeann Tweeden while the two were on a USO tour. Unusually for people in his position, Franken has admitted to the wrong-doing and apologized for his bad behaviour. He -
GHOST (short, fat, greasy hair, wearing a toga and holding a can of beer in one hand), bathed in an eerie glow, drunkenly lurches onto set, bumping Anchor's chair.
ANCHOR: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?
GHOST: I am the ghost of - brrrraaaaaaaap - 'scuse me. Had to get that out. Too much gas, and I bloat like a toad with firehose in its mouth!
ANCHOR: Look, I'm trying to do a newscast he -
GHOST: Right. I am the ghost of Weekends! casts past. I'm here to remind you -
Ghost teeters and places a hand on Anchor's head to right himself.
GHOST: Whoa! When was the set put on a gyroscope? You guys must be really desperate for ratings!
ANCHOR: What do you want?
GHOST: I...think I'm gonna throw up!
Anchor squirms out from under Ghost and pushes him away.
GHOST: (grinning) False alarm.
ANCHOR: Okay, I want you out of -
GHOST: You're gonna tell a joke about Al Franken? Really? Cause this show has always been about women's rights, right? Like that time Michael O'Dontoghue brought 147 tampons - not 150, cause that wouldn't have been as funny - to the writers room and used them to -
ANCHOR: Okay! Okay - I get it. No Al Franken jokes.
GHOST: (dismissive) Pussy.
A police probe of a disputed Progressive Conservative nomination race is now a criminal investigation into allegations of fraud. This comes less than a month after two Liberals were acquitted of bribery in a disputed by-election nomination race. Is there any connection between the two?
"We wanted to give the Liberals a bit of a head start," allowed Ontario PC leader Patrick Brown. "Okay, we were hoping it wouldn't be quite so...bitty. You know, that it may have been longer. A few more years head start would have been good. We're very fair that way..."
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
Before The Supreme Court Struck It Down, We Mean
no 1der the Middle East is such a mess) The United States has announced plans to close the Washington diplomatic office of the Palestinians. In its defense, both the US and Israeli governments have shrugged and said, "Eh, it's the law. Waddya gonna do?" Which law is that?
a) The Doing Whatever Israel Wants Us To Do Because Their Right Wing Governments May Be Vicious Bastards, But They're Our Right Wing Vicious Bastards Act of 1981
b) The Doing Whatever We Can To Stop Terrorists As Long As They Have Brown Skin And Come From Other Countries (Although This Last Point Is Negotiable) Act of 2001
c) if there isn't a law to justify the move, how long do you think it would take the Trump administration to demand and get one?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
That's One Small Step For A Deplorable, One Giant Leap Into The Abyss For Deplorablekind
Rick Perry, President Trump's Secretary of Energy, was deplorable long before he was White Housed. The fact that he is now among his own kind only appears to have emboldened him. Unfortunately.
Perry has promoted the proposition that the main contributing factor to women getting raped is darkness. Because he has done an empirical study and can conclusively show that rapes never happen to sedated patients in well lit hospitals or dentist's offices. Or, in brightly lit schools. Or, during the day.
Instead of pushing American oil on Africans, Perry might have chosen American coal instead. It would be much more practical for a woman who is being sexually assaulted to hit her attacker with a nice, hard lump of rock. And, more environmentally friendly than other things that could be done with it. I have done an empirical study that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that every unreconstructed Marxist pundit named Karl believes that hitting himself repeatedly in the head with coal was Perry's main qualification to become Energy Secretary.
Can't argue with that. It's deplorable science.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
TransCanada Sends Extra Lobbyists To Deal With Oil Spill
TransCanada Corp. Says the company has sent additional lobbyists and campaign funding to the site of a hurricane force political response to a 210,000 gallon oil spill in South Dakota from its Keystone pipeline.
TransCanada said Saturday it is making progress in its efforts to minimize the spillover to its bottom line. But, the company did not elaborate on the efforts.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Not To Be Confused With Inappropriate And Thoroughly Unprofessional Public Eyelid Spasm Syndrome (IT-UPESS), Which, Stripped Of Its Academese, Means Winking At Somebody While In The Middle Of Giving An Important Speech
Involuntary Awkward Political Dog Whistle Eyelid Spasm Syndrome (IAP-DWESS): What happens when a politician's eye quickly closes and opens again when they are trying to signal to their base a message that is only partially implied - or utterly contradicted - by what is actually coming out of their mouth. EXAMPLE: "Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders said that the White House believed that the people of Alabama should decide the fate of Senate candidate Roy Moore. Then, she suffered an involuntary awkward political dog whistle eyelid spasm. Several other prominent White House representatives have had the same problem. Could IAP-DWESS be catching? Could there be an epidemic of it in Washington?"
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page