November 26, 2017
Dumb as a Post Box, But Loyal [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It has been 18 months since Walter Shaloubalaban, the Chair of the Department of Ethics and Light Inebriators & Snacks, resigned six months before the end of his term, saying, "This was the great privilege and honor of my career," with his mouth, but, "I'm going to have to take a six month long shower to feel human again!" with his eyes. Now, it appears that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has finally nominated somebody to take his place.
Press Secretary for the time being Sean Spirochetericer, looking like he had just swallowed fly pate on a low sodium cracker, said, "The President has always been clear that his commitment to ethics in government is, to quote the man himself, yuuge. I'm going to get in trouble for saying that in our meeting later, but it was the best way to describe his position. And, anyway, he doesn't have a copyright on the word, so anybody should be allowed to use i - uhh, he doesn't have a copyright on the word...does he? That would explain - okay, whatever. The point is, this wasn't just any old appointment for the President, so he wanted to be sure to get it right. If that takes 18 months...has the President copyrighted any other words I should know about?"
The candidate for the position is named The Smijodoenesiths. If it looks to you like a mailbox, the sort of thing that you would find in front of farms on rural routes in Callaban County, Montana or Nanobozho, New Mexico, well, that's because that's what it is. It's a bright red mailbox on which somebody has painted over The Smijodoenesiths in white, not quite obscuring what was underneath, and painted crude eyes and a mouth in its place.
"Have you seen the candidate?" asked Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. "The stake on which the mailbox rests has been shattered at the bottom. It's as if some kids were joyriding on a back route, maybe drinking a little even though they aren't of what you would call legal age, shooting at mailboxes - which, don't get me wrong, is their NRA-given rite - and they managed to hit this one in the stake. Only, instead of sending this mailbox to the scrapheap, the Reduhblicans have nominated it for Ethics Commissioner! Believe me, I can't wait until the confirmation hearing - this candidate doesn't have a leg to stand on!"
At 2:37 this morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Ds better not obstruct nomination of DELIS chief, or theyll taste bitter defeet in 2020!" Given recent procedural changes, about the only thing Senate Dumboprats can do is hold their breaths until they turn Smurf. Anticipating this move, at 2:41 this morning, President McDruhitmumpf follow-up tweeped: "Smurfs are powerful, mystical creatures. D's Smurf strategy brilliant, but doomed. #imbrillianter!"
Little is known about The Smijodoenesiths - the government is rumoured to be keeping it in a closet until the confirmation hearings, "The Smijodoenesiths has been sharing a room with its brother-in-law, a broom, and its best friend, a tennis racquet," Press Secretary Spirochetericer stated. "They've been living together for many years, and they are very happy with the arrangement. So happy, in fact, that they engage in spirited hijinks all the time! I mean, it's a regular Three's Company in that closet! So, if you are implying anything negative about the candidate's living arrangements, cut it out!"
How is a mailbox supposed to answer questions at a Senate confirmation hearing? "Through an interpreter," Press Secretary Spirochetericer explained, as if the point's obviousness made him embarrassed to say it out loud. As if he hadn't said a dozen more embarrassing things out loud in the previous ten minutes.
"Does anybody believe that the McDruhitmumpf administration is serious about ethics?" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, who seemed to take her own question too seriously, so perhaps it evened things out. "No, no, no!" she insisted. "The Law of Rhetorical Averages does not apply to this situation! Just because I'm serious doesn't mean - can we please stick to the point, here? President McDruhitmumpf and members of his family and inner circle are making fortunes off his administration! Of course they don't takes ethics seri - GAAACK"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam got Blue Man Group in the face. Not so much Cirque de Soleil is interested in buying your act out to market in China; more, being rushed to Caesar's Sinai Hospital (in Vegas) for a possible brain implosion.
Everybody at the Alternate Reality News Service wishes her a speedy recovery.
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